Let Go...

My father has always been there for me. Always available in my time of need. Always has the right thing to say. It's why I'm so protective of him, why only one boyfriend I've had has met him and why only two have even spoken to him. He's a great guy to have in your life and in your corner.

Recently, a lot of men that wanted my attention are now becoming hard to get a hold of. I'm feeling myself text too much, call too much, even think too much about these guys that, SUDDENLY, aren't doing the same for me. My texts are getting longer, and theirs are getting shorter.

When this happens, the first thing I do is call a spade a spade. I let them know I've noticed, ask them if it's intentional, and, if there's no reasonable explanation, wait for the situation to be rectified.

Now if there's no reason for the sudden sporadic nature of our communication, and the new condition isn't corrected, then I let them go on their merry way.

Gone are the days where I would blow up their phone until they called back. Or I'd text five times to their one time. Or I'd wonder what they were doing while I was trying to focus. If they're not thinking about me or contacting me and I've made them aware and they still don't care, then I MOVE ON.

You should NEVER have to remind someone to think about you, to consider you, to be there for you, to REMEMBER you! YOU ARE MEMORABLE! YOU ARE IMPORTANT! And do you REALLY want to keep dealing with someone who is making you feel otherwise? NO, YOU DON'T! So...DON'T.

Someday (soon, I hope), I'll skip the step where I give them a chance to correct it and just bounce as soon as they start acting funny. Honestly, I am and always have been TOO NICE for my own good when it comes to guys, especially those in a large city with plenty of options.

Sure, there's a reason for their new behavior. And do you really want to know if the reason is just that they've LOST INTEREST? No, you DON'T! So chalk it up to being THEIR LOSS, and keep your eye out for someone that's INTERESTED. INTERESTED and AVAILABLE. Because, like one of the tracks on my upcoming debut album, it's "ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL".

"And don't you say you're sorry 'cause you're not..."

I blogged recently about someone I'd had a strong interest in and how we'd finally consummated our attraction. Well, to be more accurate, I consummated my attraction while HE used me to lick the wounds of his recent breakup. It was cold, emotionless, a total letdown, an unbelievable disappointment, and since we've acted as if nothing has happened.

And isn't it better that way? Isn't it better to salvage whatever we can of the relationship rather than allow it to get blown to smithereens by his inconsiderate actions? I suppose so. But every day the hurt he caused goes unacknowledged, every day I think about how what he did devalues a friendship that I thought we had, makes me more and more angry.

I need to let it go. I need to let the disappointment and the hurt and everything go. I need to let HIM go. And just breathe and move on...

Ulterior Motives

I'm not so sure I'm not in this thing by myself. "This thing" being THE WORLD. True, I do have my tight-knit family to lean on, and that definitely means I'm not "by myself", but everyone is looking to expand their circle of people they can trust, and I don't know how effective I've been at that particular task.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to imply that I think the whole world is out to get me. I don't. I'm doing just fine and I feel like I'll continue to flourish. What I mean is, they don't REALLY have my back. Oh sure, they have it to the extent that having it means THEY are benefited. It's a symbiotic relationship, rather than altruistic. I supposed, after taking "The Sexual Evolution of Human Behavior" at Yale, I'm being naive to expect altruism in the real world, but I do.

I like to think that I'm fairly altruistic, as the only thing I expect in return for my good deeds is equal treatment. But alas, that seems impossible. And finding a genuine person who's not just hanging onto you to get where THEY need to go is even harder. Are we really friends? Or are we nothing more than acquaintances and/or business partners who've decided to share personal information about ourselves for the sake of "appearances"?

Well, no need to do that with me. If you're not really someone I can count on, not someone I can call in a pinch, not someone I can confide in and who will confide in me (ACTUALLY confide too, not just to get information from me), then lets drop the pretense. I'll still be cordial. I'll still be professional. I'll still be my usual charming self. I just won't let you inside where you can muck up my thoughts and feelings. That's a no-no.

So who are you? A wolf in sheep's clothing, or a real sheep? I'd prefer a real wolf to a fake sheep...

Reset

The above is the title to perhaps my favorite Outkast song. Outkast and I have a very special relationship, as for four months starting in 2006, they were all I could listen to. Listening to them now brings me back to that time instantly. But honestly, even without listening to "Reset", I know that's exactly what I need.

Honestly, all this guy stuff is just getting to be a pain. All these mixed messages are really bringing me down. My father says there are no mixed messages. A man either says yes or no and if you can't tell, he's saying no. Well, if that's the case, a lot of men are saying no to me lately and it's bugging me because I'm the kind of girl men should say yes to. I'm not being egotistical either. When I go to the dating sites and the message boards and read the men's magazines, they all describe a woman that's like me, and I wonder, "Well, why aren't I finding any of these men who want me? They seem to be everywhere but where I am, apparently."

So I've decided to take a reset. A return to my home in Austin, to my family, to my friends from elementary school, to the place that's me, that gets me, that will always want me, no matter how much of a "city girl" I become. It's the holidays, and I've already told y'all it's a hard time for me, regardless of having family and friends to talk to on the phone. No, by holiday time, I need a major dose of them, up close and personal. That's what gets me through the rest of the year in this crazy NYC. Because I may be a reformed Southern gal, but I'll always be country in my heart.