New Year=New Me?

Resolutions are the big thing on everyone's mind. They vow to lose weight. They vow to quit smoking. They vow to stop drinking or to cut out caffeine. I've personally had more existential resolutions like:

• I vow to stop being so afraid of making mistakes.
• I vow to hone my personal and professional persona.
• I vow to put up with less crap from dudes.
• I vow to take more time for me.
• I vow to continue my healthy lifestyle, and with renewed vigor.
• I vow to travel to one place I've been DYING to go to for years.

All of those are my current resolutions for 2011 (and beyond), although I didn't put much thought in them and have been working on them since before the 2011 changeover.

I just ended a bad streak, personally. No one was more excited for 2010 to end on the personal level than me. The first half of the year was spent in a terrible relationship. The second half of the year was spent in unsatisfying casual "relationships". No love for K in 2010. No love for K since 2006. I'm trying not to harp on it. Trying not to wallow. My mother says I'm a bit whiney and that kind of critique hurts. She also says that I am partially to blame for my relationship situation, because I'm allowing myself to be victimized. Again, that hurt like heck to hear.

The dude that I had a meaningless and disappointing hookup with got back with his girl over the break. The dude that said he was feeling more for me took it back over the break. The friend that I used to be able to talk to got laid off and started talking to another girl romantically over break. I didn't get a call/text from "Trini" over break (and I suppose I didn't want to, but I kinda did want to, just to know I was wanted, even if the wanting wasn't mutual.). My biggest RESOLUTION was the resolution of any flimsy relationships in my life, even though the decision and process was painful to say the least.

A lot of crumby personal things happened right after a fairly awesome recording session last night and it just irritates the crap out of me. I don't want to take my personal issues personally, but I do. I wonder why not me? Why can't I have success in ALL areas of my life? True, it's a rather ungrateful desire, but I didn't get as far as I am by relenting. I am driven, demanding, domineering, impatient, and it gets me what I want in all areas but ONE.

And that IS selfish. Both the meaningless hookup dude and my mom agreed that perhaps I should try meditation to get over all my BS. And my mom pointed something out which is that, perhaps I'm not actually angry and upset and frustrated with my project and dudes. Perhaps I'm just hurting from the string of rejections I've suffered at the hands of said dudes. Perhaps there's all this pain and horrible suffering I've been supressing (not PERHAPS; that's DEFINITELY the case), and I just need to take the time to deal with it...or use the angst on my musical project.

They're right (although the meaningless hookup dude is no longer going to be an advice source as his treatment of me has undermined any credibility he had). They're right, and "Trini" is right, and the trainer is right, and everyone is right. I hate that. I'm a know-it-all. I HATE being schooled. HATE IT! ;)

But in this case, perhaps I should just forego the dinner of white wine gulped too fast and try meditation. Just to see. No, it won't undo the hurt. And no, it won't find Mr. Right. And no, it won't make waiting for him to find me any easier. And no, it won't make those who hurt me pay karmically or apologize or anything like that. It'll just help ME, in a personal, effective way.

And, on a positive note, I am one step closer to finishing my album, so that's quite awesome. Despite my intermittent frustration at the project, I'm happy with how things are going and, although I can't see the finish line yet, my producer assures me it's very close.

And on another positive note, there's a young man who's interested in me. He doesn't seem like a young man. He seems older than me. I stopped dating young men a while ago, and haven't really seen the upside to older men. I'm curious about him. We don't know each other and we don't know what the other person really wants, but the attraction is real and strong and, once my close girlfriend gives her blessing (because he once hit on her back in the day), I'll be free to explore my curiosity with him. Legitimate dating. Maybe not with a legitimate adult (we'll call him "Young'n" for now), but, it's a start. And, as my producer said, I can always work on my harmonies to keep myself busy...

Let Go...

My father has always been there for me. Always available in my time of need. Always has the right thing to say. It's why I'm so protective of him, why only one boyfriend I've had has met him and why only two have even spoken to him. He's a great guy to have in your life and in your corner.

Recently, a lot of men that wanted my attention are now becoming hard to get a hold of. I'm feeling myself text too much, call too much, even think too much about these guys that, SUDDENLY, aren't doing the same for me. My texts are getting longer, and theirs are getting shorter.

When this happens, the first thing I do is call a spade a spade. I let them know I've noticed, ask them if it's intentional, and, if there's no reasonable explanation, wait for the situation to be rectified.

Now if there's no reason for the sudden sporadic nature of our communication, and the new condition isn't corrected, then I let them go on their merry way.

Gone are the days where I would blow up their phone until they called back. Or I'd text five times to their one time. Or I'd wonder what they were doing while I was trying to focus. If they're not thinking about me or contacting me and I've made them aware and they still don't care, then I MOVE ON.

You should NEVER have to remind someone to think about you, to consider you, to be there for you, to REMEMBER you! YOU ARE MEMORABLE! YOU ARE IMPORTANT! And do you REALLY want to keep dealing with someone who is making you feel otherwise? NO, YOU DON'T! So...DON'T.

Someday (soon, I hope), I'll skip the step where I give them a chance to correct it and just bounce as soon as they start acting funny. Honestly, I am and always have been TOO NICE for my own good when it comes to guys, especially those in a large city with plenty of options.

Sure, there's a reason for their new behavior. And do you really want to know if the reason is just that they've LOST INTEREST? No, you DON'T! So chalk it up to being THEIR LOSS, and keep your eye out for someone that's INTERESTED. INTERESTED and AVAILABLE. Because, like one of the tracks on my upcoming debut album, it's "ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL".

"And don't you say you're sorry 'cause you're not..."

I blogged recently about someone I'd had a strong interest in and how we'd finally consummated our attraction. Well, to be more accurate, I consummated my attraction while HE used me to lick the wounds of his recent breakup. It was cold, emotionless, a total letdown, an unbelievable disappointment, and since we've acted as if nothing has happened.

And isn't it better that way? Isn't it better to salvage whatever we can of the relationship rather than allow it to get blown to smithereens by his inconsiderate actions? I suppose so. But every day the hurt he caused goes unacknowledged, every day I think about how what he did devalues a friendship that I thought we had, makes me more and more angry.

I need to let it go. I need to let the disappointment and the hurt and everything go. I need to let HIM go. And just breathe and move on...

Ulterior Motives

I'm not so sure I'm not in this thing by myself. "This thing" being THE WORLD. True, I do have my tight-knit family to lean on, and that definitely means I'm not "by myself", but everyone is looking to expand their circle of people they can trust, and I don't know how effective I've been at that particular task.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to imply that I think the whole world is out to get me. I don't. I'm doing just fine and I feel like I'll continue to flourish. What I mean is, they don't REALLY have my back. Oh sure, they have it to the extent that having it means THEY are benefited. It's a symbiotic relationship, rather than altruistic. I supposed, after taking "The Sexual Evolution of Human Behavior" at Yale, I'm being naive to expect altruism in the real world, but I do.

I like to think that I'm fairly altruistic, as the only thing I expect in return for my good deeds is equal treatment. But alas, that seems impossible. And finding a genuine person who's not just hanging onto you to get where THEY need to go is even harder. Are we really friends? Or are we nothing more than acquaintances and/or business partners who've decided to share personal information about ourselves for the sake of "appearances"?

Well, no need to do that with me. If you're not really someone I can count on, not someone I can call in a pinch, not someone I can confide in and who will confide in me (ACTUALLY confide too, not just to get information from me), then lets drop the pretense. I'll still be cordial. I'll still be professional. I'll still be my usual charming self. I just won't let you inside where you can muck up my thoughts and feelings. That's a no-no.

So who are you? A wolf in sheep's clothing, or a real sheep? I'd prefer a real wolf to a fake sheep...