Done.

I've finally reached my max. There are plenty of people who enjoy dating and dealing with the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your sexual orientation), but I'm not one of them. Sure, my body enjoys the physical stimulation a man can bring me, but it is FAR outweighed by the drama and headaches a man can bring me. Seriously, I feel INSANE when I'm dating a man, and I am NOT crazy. I just might not be cut out for dealing with dudes in a romantic fashion, and that's perfectly OK.

On another note, I have taken back control of my music project. For a while, I felt like it was a little bit like a runaway train. I was chasing after it as it careened out of control. The small vision I had grew into something different, which is great, but it was actually turning into something I didn't want and becoming a negative instead of a positive. I doubted myself, I felt incompetent, and I am NOT musically incompetent. I am talented and I am driven and I am something special. I have NO doubt I'm going places and I am capable of doing it without letting someone else completely take the helm. It's my life, my career, and my choice. So I took it back, and feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted.

I'm relaxed in the studio. I feel like myself again. I LOOK FORWARD to what still has to be done to finish the album. I'm more than HALF WAY finished with it! No one is to blame for how slowly the project was coming along or for how it was going in a direction I didn't care for but me, because I was just wowed by someone else's vision, and allowed myself to forget my own.

DON'T EVER FORGET YOUR VISION!

That's the moral of the story. Don't check how someone else feels or what someone else thinks before you check with YOURSELF. And if you find you're not happy, TAKE ACTION. Stand up for what you think and good things will happen.

And that's just what happened. I'm amidst talks with a possible publicist, as I mentioned, I am over half done with the project itself, I've worked out a SWEET DEAL for the remainder of mixing/mastering/CD duplication with the studio, I've got someone working on my album art/cover. Honestly, having to do it on my own has reminded me that I CAN do it on my own, which means I'm COMPETENT and I'm SOMETHING SPECIAL. Man, had I forgotten that over the last few months. Even the best of us lose our way.

So, even though -13 people even READ this silly blog, I'll be posting news about my upcoming album as it happens. And it's all happening! :)

Oh! And I'm the smallest I've ever been as an adult. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I'm 154 lbs. 154!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell yeah!!!

Stay Strong

Mr. P.T. is still around, lurking. We don't get down, but we talk occasionally. Less and less as time passes. We hung out a lot that first week "apart" and he tried to get me to slip. I very nearly did. I was standing on the edge of a precipice and it would've felt so good to just dive in.

But then what? That horrible feeling when you realize you have to claw your way out of something you did to yourself. You know you're making the mistake when it happens too, but you think, "It feels so good, K. And it's only once. Are you REALLY disrespecting yourself if it's only once? You won't do it again. NEXT TIME you'll be strong. But this time, give in."

Well, screw you, masochistic voice in my head! I'm not going to dive in again. That horrible deja vu I got? I'm NEVER going to feel it again, at least not because of a mistake I KNOWINGLY made.

And, wouldn't you know it, the sax player texted me too! After weeks of silence, he, out of the blue, hopes I'm "having a good day". I'm having a lovely day. I'm having a lovely life. I'm not dealing with people who don't come correct and it's really freeing up a lot of mental and emotional energy.

The more time that passes, the better I feel about my decision. I'm respecting myself and sticking to I want instead of settling for what I can get. And when I'm doing it for the RIGHT reasons, I don't even feel as lonely as normal. That's a good thing. That's something you have to hold onto when the forces of negativity and disillusionment get you thinking that you're the crazy one, rather than the last one of ideals worth striving for.

So, I have to stay strong. And I will...

C'est La Vie

So, yesterday I ended it with the personal trainer. It was the most horrible feeling of deja vu to have put too much of myself into a casual relationship, developed feelings, and realized the dude could've cared less about me. It sucked. There's no other way to put it. And the deja vu came in because it was almost verbatim the same conversation I'd had with Trini when we ended it. And we ended it the same way, trying to keep it going with stops and starts until finally it was over. 

And Mr. P.T. was ALMOST as big of an asshole as Trini was too, although as soon as I felt those familiar feelings of rejection, I thought, "Why? This dude wasn't reciprocating your efforts anyway. Why are you crying over some dude that you fell for merely because you like being in a relationship and he allowed you to feel that way, but not enjoy any of its benefits?" So I turned the conversation to him and why he'd throw away such an awesome chick because he made an arbitrary decision some time ago to not be in a relationship. He said he'd been hurt before. I asked how long ago. He said years. YEARS? Really? I was pretty badly hurt when the love of my life (so far) and I decided to end it, but after eight months of partying, drinking, making new friends, graduating college and moving, I realized I was ready to try again. YEARS?

I said, "Dude. It's not like she stabbed you. Or stole your car. Or set your apartment on fire. Or slapped your mom. Sure, what happened sucked, but  billions of people (including myself) go through worse and we get back on that horse. Aren't you 32?"

"33", he said. 

33? 33 and STILL dwelling on some ish that happened YEARS ago, that wasn't even as bad as several people's stories that I know personally?

Wow. I mean, now I'm even less attracted to Mr. P.T., because he's not a hurting dude who's still getting over it. That ends in months, maybe a year tops, maybe a little more than that if you were together for like 10+ years. But YEARS? YEARS of wallowing in strangers' vaginas, not actually healing, not actually confronting anything? You're not getting over her. You're being a dick. And at 33, you should be ashamed.

So, whatever, we finished our conversation, and I felt much better realizing that his "coping mechanism" actually put him in the category of "self-pitying asshole taking his relationship misfortunes out on unsuspecting idealists/romantics", and which is in the bigger category of "guys I have ZERO INTEREST in dating." It was a relief. We talked. Like friends. He said we could stay friends. I said I didn't expect to hear from him until the Spring when I'd need training. He said, "no no no, it's not like that", and texted me today to prove a point.

Whatever. I got a new loctician and a personal trainer out of it. And by the time him or any of the other idiots that passed me up because they "weren't ready" realize they should've kept me, I'll either be happily single or happily coupled up.

Hmmm. Happily single. Lets explore that concept.

P.S. The musician that I had a really nice date with last weekend TOTALLY disappointed me this weekend. We'd had a casual thing whenever he was home from tour, but this time, when he got back, it was to a K that was looking for a relationship, and not into getting that feeling of deja vu rejection ever again. He manned up, and took me out, and respected the No Sex rule. But he never followed it up with any cute texts or phone calls, when I called him on it, he called me to say he DID have a great time and had just been super busy and sick, and did indeed want to take me out again. But then he SLEPT through the whole weekend, and made it perfectly clear that, even though he was going to take me out and date me, he was never available and may not have wanted anything from the date but the opportunity to hopefully have sex again. Oh well. He'll realize THAT'S not happening soon enough. ;)

P.P.S. Match.com, which I joined to keep my mother from thinking I was turning into a bitter old hag (which isn't true; I'm a bitter young lady), is full of scammers and crazy people. In other words, it's just like real life, which is the opposite of refreshing. Whatever. All these dudes are giving me a headache. They're good for nothing but talking dirty to when I have a free moment and, at most, making out. If they want to take me out, good for them. I'll give anyone I'm attracted to a shot. But if you don't come correct, I'll tune you out. It's time to get vicious here. I deserve better. What a novel idea that I actually REALIZE that now.

Skeletons in the Closet

They always seem to rear their heads in groups. People I've sworn off or forgotten come out of the woodwork in clusters, making me wonder if they're not cosmically linked with each other and me somehow. Otherwise, what could explain why two dudes I ended it with BOTH contacted me yesterday?

The first was the good musician. I thought, despite our little casual physical affair, that we were friends as well, only to find that he stopped speaking to me when I ended it. One friend said that perhaps he felt more than he was letting on for me, but I gave him every opportunity to try to make more with me and he shot down every one. Also, he gave me the same tired-ass speech all the dudes give when they want to "hit it and quit it": "I just got out of something really serious and I like spending time with you, but I'm not looking to get involved again any time soon."

Save it.

I'm not ready to get involved with any more dudes that use that wack-ass speech. Honestly, if ANOTHER person says to me that speech, or says "I've been hurt before, so I'm really careful with my heart", all OBVIOUSLY in an attempt to sleep with me without allowing me to expect anything from them (like COURTESY, RESPECT, or COMMITMENT), then I'm literally going to get up, walk away, delete their contact information and never speak to them again. You have to be ruthless with these guys, because they're under the impression it's acceptable to give these cop-out excuses because so many women accept them.

Anyway, enough of my rant. The musician hit me up. He said he was just checking on me. After weeks of silence he's "CHECKING ON ME". I was polite, cheerful, but I'm not going down that road with him again. And I'll probably always keep him at a distance because I know that I can't rely on this guy in the future if he bails when the sex stops. Sorry, but try again. I haven't valued myself enough in the past, but I'm getting over that problem REAL QUICK!

Second, the personal trainer dude hit me up. I was beginning to feel like a hotel/soup kitchen/bordello/halfway house for all these dudes, the personal trainer included. I felt like I was bringing so much to the table, and they weren't bringing anything back. I thought I enjoyed being generous and helping these dudes but my parents corrected me. "No, K, you don't like being generous. You like reciprocity. You don't want to just give and give and never receive. You want to be treated like you're treating these guys."

It's true. I'm extremely giving and caring, and my problem has always been that I choose the WRONG DUDES to give to and care for. My mom is convinced the right guy is out there--most likely because she wants grandchildren and she doesn't want me to become a bitter hag--but I'm not so sure anymore. It could be that I was given my one great love and my challenge now is to love myself and figure out how to make that enough. I'm working on it...

Anyway, I bluntly asked the guy if he planned on reciprocating all the great treatment I was giving him. True, it's not a "relationship", and we're just "hooking up", but I'm giving my all to this casual thing and I would appreciate the same thing, even if it doesn't include commitment. He blew me off. Said he was sleeping. At 7:30pm. So I let that go, knowing I was EXTREMELY pissed, and, after almost 72 hours had passed without another word from him, I let him know that he'd shown me his true character, that I knew what I needed to know, and that our time together was great but had reached an end.

He responded by leaving me an extremely disrespectful message, to which I also didn't respond. I know I'm not your girl, Mr. P.T. I know you're not committed to me. I know that you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. I know, I know, I know. I was merely asking if, since you're getting more from this casual relationships than just sex, perhaps I could too. But being blown off was a big, resounding, "NO!", and it hurt.

It shouldn't've hurt. I should be happy he let me know before I put any more effort in. But it did. It hurt because it was the last of the dudes I was dealing with that had ALL ended badly and that with ALL of them, despite my care and my awesomeness, NONE of them had developed any feelings for me and were able to summarily dismiss me and move on to some other chick.

Ugh. That hurt. Can't lie.

But then, yesterday, Mr. P.T. calls me. He doesn't text to resume contact, he calls. He says he wasn't blowing me off. That my text hit him at exactly the wrong time. That he really was sleeping (at the gym, between sessions), that things have been hectic, that he forgot his mom's 50th birthday, blah blah blah. He also said he'd call later. I got tired, fell asleep, and woke up to no missed calls. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, but maybe not after he realizes that I'm really not starting up with him again.

Friends is cool. Friends with the musician; friends with Mr. P.T. I could always use more friends. But I need some time alone. And when I'm done with my time alone, I need some quality guys that like me for more than just my physique and what's between my legs. It'll be a long, lonely road, but I'm not giving up my hard-won self-esteem and life lessons of the past year just to settle for dudes that will give me nothing more than an unsatisfying relationship. ANOTHER unsatisfying relationship.

Nope. I've reached my wits end. Good riddance to anyone who's not cool with that.