Strange Days...

Yeah, I'm here again. This blog is proving to be cathartic for me, but hopefully it's entertaining to some and perhaps even enlightening to a few.

So, I had a great session last night! My producer/keys player came and we worked for 5.5 hours making my album that much closer to being radio-friendly, marketable, grown-and-sexy (although I hate such a snobby term), and, ultimately, profitable. It was really impressive to watch each song transform before my ears.

After the session, we had planned to go over my press/album pictures, but keyboard, synthesizer, portable pedal AND notebook computer might've been a bit much, so we opted to do it another day. There's no rush anyway, as my pictures wouldn't've been ready by the new year regardless, and two days won't hurt it. I'm trying to be a lot more zen about this project then I was previously, trying not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the process, even when it moves more slowly than I would hope. Honestly, yes, if it were just me, I would've been done months ago. But it isn't just me, and every additional person has done nothing but enrich and enhance the project. Basically, they're more than worth the delays and the cost (which spread over months, isn't TOO bad). Anyway, my producer also had a bunch of parties to hit up (after all, he is very chic and it was THURSDAY, LOL).

So afterwards, I got home, but I wasn't really ready to be home, you know? I was keyed up from the session going so well and, even though I had to wake up early for work the next day, I was in the mood to stay up and out all night.

BUT, it was RIDICULOUSLY frigid outside. Once I got home, I lost my buzz to go out. I was all set to give up and change into my pajamas when I got the urge to call a friend of mine, who's becoming a real facet in my life and a fairly dependable shoulder in time of need. I called, we talked, and he too was feeling a bit "haunted". So, rather than stay home and sulk over having no plans, or freeze our butts off trying to get to some party some place that would probably be finishing up as soon as we got there, we opted to be haunted together. I brought my work clothes, picked up some munchies, hopped in a cab, and before you know it, I was on his doorstep.

And then the weirdest thing happened...We hooked up.

I say it was weird because, well, it was. I don't know what other way to describe it. I showed up to watch premium cable, laugh, eat and talk, but slowly it transformed into something else. First, we were watching tv in the living room, drinking wine, and then we were watching a DVD in his room. Then, the lights were on and we were laughing, and next the lights were off and he was asking for a massage. Finally, he turned from the DVD to some sensual music, and ultimately the massage turned to something more.

Honestly, I hadn't expected it at all. Sure, I was crushing on this person, but I figured if we ever ended up in that situation, it would be because he'd approached me, clearly stating he wanted to turn our platonic relationship to a more intimate one, and then things would grow from there. It would NOT have been a matter of "one thing leading to another" at 2:30am. Who really believes that "one thing leads to another" bit anyway? It implies you were helpless to stop a set of events that, by most definitely required your participate. If "one thing led to another", it's always because you led it there.

Afterwards, the emotions were just as weird as the situation. To be cautious, I had asked before anything went down what exactly was happening. Was this just a "casual" thing, or was this the culmination of mutual attraction (I hope? Please? Pretty please?)? Welp, it was just a hookup. And part of me almost backed out right then. I don't want to DO casual. He KNEW that! What was I DOING there?

He didn't know. He didn't have any answers. As he said fairly frequently throughout the encounter, he hadn't expected this to happen. He hadn't known he wanted to do this. He hadn't invited me over with these intentions. Blah blah blah. Based on where his head is at lately, I'm inclined to believe him, but it certainly isn't very flattering. You don't want to finally be invited over to your crush's place to get physical, only to find out they just did it on a spur-of-the-moment level, a "casual" level. And even worse, you don't want to hear them repeat, INCESSANTLY: "Wow....wow...um....WOW....I just....Hmmm....I had no idea that would happen. I can't believe that just happened...Wow...wow...I'm shocked. I'm just...wow. I wasn't expecting this, etc." Seriously, he said almost exactly that for about twenty minutes after our rendezvous and it's definitely a blow to a woman's pride.

I mean, hey, you caught me off guard! I didn't want to do casual, but I had a crush on you (which you knew), so I tried to adapt to the situation. I tried to keep it light. Not do what I would really have done. No kissing. No cuddling. No laughing. No CONNECTION. And it was then I realized that, worse than a hookup, I was just some kinda of coping mechanism for the aforementioned troubled time he's going through. I was a band-aid, or a teddy bear, or a hit of heroin.

And that just solidified everything for me. Casual is out, no exceptions, no fine print, no hidden clauses. It was then that I called the musician and told him that, although he had been looking forward to "hanging" with me upon his return to America, that I just couldn't do it anymore. And I literally JUST texted my main "arrangement" that I couldn't continue as well. Neither has responded. And I suppose it's just as well. Because if it was never real, is there a point to a goodbye?

What a Difference a Day Makes!

How funny that I should post for the first time in months and then feel the need to post again, the very next day. I suppose it's cathartic.

Big developments with Trini. As it happens, it's hard to have friends of the opposite sex. "When Harry Met Sally" had it right.

As a result of that fact, I don't have many (straight) male friends). This is normally fine as, for the first time, I have a nice little crew of female friends. Unfortunately, some issues are best asked to a male audience than a female one.

Case in point: I wasn't sure if one of the remaining casual dude I entertained from time to time was catching feelings or not. I thought he might be and I was concerned. If he wasn't, then I was going to eventually be "too busy" and our "relationship" would come to an end. If he was, then I would entertain the idea of getting to know him better. And, since this is exactly the same problem I had with Trini, and because of the aforementioned lack of male friends, I thought he would be a good person to ask.

True, he was helpful in that regard, but the conversation drudged up all the old drama between us, culminating with him shouting at me and making it abundantly clear that he didn't feel anything for me, he never would, and he was incapable of ever doing so. I was nothing but a source of frustration to him. Blah blah blah. He yelled, I cried, and it's clear we'll never speak again.

So yeah, that was pretty tough.

To feel worthwhile again, I needed to talk to someone who liked my company, whether physical or otherwise. I tried a musician friend of mine; no answer. I tried the remaining casual "friend"; no answer. Then I tried my producer. It may be a cliche, but I have a huge schoolgirl crush on him and he has helped me with personal issues in the past.

And wouldn't you know it, he was free. He calmed me down, cheered me up, and I felt like a person once more. I know I always was, but hey, it's nice to get confirmation. That conversation, on top of the many other chats we've had, further solidified our friendship (and made my schoolgirl crush even more hopeless, lol). A good laugh will cure a good cry any day. ;)

Living Life

So! I've been busy!

1.) I've been baking up a storm. Now that it's winter and my non-air-conditioned apartment won't turn into a death trap if I bake, I've been taking full advantage. So far, I've baked red velvet cake, chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread, carrot cake, sweet potato pie, and lemon cornmeal shortbread.

2.) I've been working on my album. I've chosen which of the fifteen recorded songs will be on the album, chosen the album title, done horn overdubs (and this Thursday, there will be key overdubs), and taken pictures for press and the album cover. Honestly, I'm super-psyched. Yes, I wanted to be done with all the recording/overdubbing by the end of 2010 so that it would just be mixing/mastering/logistics for 2011, but things didn't work out that way. C'est la vies. Getting musicians together (or anyone for that matter) to work in December is like herding cats.

3.) I've given up casual dating. It's not for me. I mean, I may partake occasionally when times get rough, but I'm not seeking any NEW partners and I'm steadily weening off any old partners. "What prompted this revelation?" you ask. Well, several things:

First, I caught feelings again for Trini. I was so SURE he was catching feelings too this time. No dice. I  tried to supress them, but I couldn't, and then I realized, I didn't want to. I deserved to be feeling  something for someone who was also feeling me, and if that wasn't him, then I should move on.  Easier said than done, I know. We still keep minimal contact and flirt a bit, but each time it's clear he  just wants to restart the physical and continue ignoring the emotional. I'm done with that, so we're done  on that level. Who knows what the future holds, but, barring a big rom-com re-enactment of him  running to the airport to catch me before I move to Bangladesh or stopping my wedding to someone  else, we won't be rekindling our romance any time soon.

Second, no dudes wanted to date me. Sure, they wanted the physical, but for some reason, they didn't want anything beyond that. I feel like I'm much more than that, though, and I feel like it's obvious to everyone. I also think my many gifts shouldn't be wasted on anyone who can't see that. Sure, it sucks  that no one wants more, but I am willing to wait for someone (ANYONE) to wake up and realize I'm worth  more. This physical stuff is just hollow otherwise.

So yeah, that was just an internal realization. I figured I probably wasn't a casual type girl, but I figured some experimentation wouldn't be a bad thing and it wasn't. I learned a lot about myself and met some cool people, some of whom are still in my life, in different capacities.

4.) I got a new job! Yay! I don't know if I mentioned how much I hated working for the hedge-fund-that-will-not-be-named. It was just a dead-end job. Even after the promotion (to work for a psycho, power-tripping, RACIST, jerk), it just wasn't worth it. I now work in the entertainment industry (for a national television network), and meet more celebrities than when I worked for the national talent agency (my first real job). And, get this, it PAYS MORE! Can you believe an entertainment job that pays what people are worth! I practically had to pay my employer to work at the talent agency. So yes, this is awesome news!

5.) And lastly, I joined Weight Watchers Online. I had hit a plateau with the calorie counting. I guess my body was used to it. Anyway, I'm now down to 160 and losing on WW and feeling great. I think it shows in my pictures. ;) Wish me luck in my continuing weight loss!

Happy Camper!

Get some, y'all. Seriously.

I was trapped in a little pity party rut for a while there. I was bogged down with anxiety about my upcoming album, letting every little guy-problem get me down. Going out with my girls only seemed to be a temporary fix before I was right back in the doldrums. Even trying on old clothes that were WAY too big since I'd lost all this weight wasn't helping!

So, like every true American, I went in search of a drug that could make me happy. Now, I'm not really into drugs. At least not those of Western medicine. But I MOST DEFINITELY am an advocate for holistic/herbal medicine. I'd done B vitamins for well-being before, but I wanted something with a little more kick. St. John's Wort is what I used to use for a pick-me-up, but it started to feel like a placebo. While in the store, therefore, I called my mother to see if she had any suggestions and she suggested Happy Camper.

Y'all? This stuff works! I don't take it every day, just days I know will be long and stressful (which is every day), or days I know I'll need to be thinking positively (because some big adversity or insurmountable task is about to get thrown at me).

My mom also said she read something saying diet changes and weight loss tend to affect your hormones, which can cause mood swings. This actually makes sense. No wonder I've felt like a manic-depressive lately. So, I'm taking Happy Camper, my multi-vitamin, and trying to cut back on carbs even further, which have ALWAYS caused me to be a bit tense. And they wreak havoc on my body in other ways...

But enough of that! Good news is, with the addition of my kettle-bell workout, I'm off my plateau and I'm not at THIRTY-SEVEN pounds lost!

These things work great because, unlike traditional weights, they force you to use your stabilizer/core muscles even more and, therefore, intensify already intense moves. I got the workout from one of the many fitness magazines that I have but never read (because I was too scared and embarrassed to try weights on my own amongst all the brawny men in the gym), and, like Happy Camper, this ish is WORKING!

I've lost weight, and I can DEFINITELY see definition and a loss of inches all over. It's awesome. So these are my Thursday recommendations. Check them out and tell me if you love them just as much as I do! :)