Bear Food

The saying goes: Some days you eat the bear; some days the bear eats you.

Well, unfortunately, it's felt like the bear has been eating me the past couple of days. Maybe I'm in a funk. Let me just preface this by saying that I'm PMS-ing at the moment, and PMS is the originator of making a mountain out of a molehill, so forgive what may seem trivial to you.


1.) I don't have a full roster of men that I'm dating, or that are pursuing me.

I went out on a date with a guy this past Saturday that I didn't like very much. I knew there wasn't a spark before the date even began because I'd only given him my number on accident (he asked me on my way out of the club and I was apparently too flustered not to give it to him), and the few conversations we had (via text mostly) confirmed that I wasn't very interested in him. But, times are tight and I wasn't about to turn down a free meal. Hey, he might grow on me, you know? And, I'm trying to accept all social invitations (especially dates) so I can remember what it's like to go out and LEARN what it's like to date.

Unfortunately, during the date he became ridiculously touchy-feely, complimenting strange things like my eyebrows, and making kissy faces at me in the restaurant. He left $70 for a meal that was $65.14, but then insisted I let him put me in a cab home. He also held my hand in front of many guys on the street and literally FORCED me to kiss him (read: turned my face into his). When I told him this a few days later and attempted to end things, he went off with the following text:

"Listen im not perfect guy your right i didnt show romance spark im really sorry The thing is i really like you i was trying do so many things @ the same time in the restaurant i never show u my romantic side cause one the radio was loud next to us and it was crowded over there i trying 2 find a better seat and made sure u like the food i wanted it 2 be perfect 2 i was trying comprehend your life story and everytime i try to complement how gorgeiouse u look u cut throat me u started talking and i was apreciating your story lol i was saying when im going tell her shes got sexy lipps sexy eyes sexy complextion beautiful hair she makes my heart melt i didnt want 2 be rude it was 2 hours only my point how your going get 2 know that fast im sorry location with radio was loud im so sorry. Can i make up 2 you im sorry idk what i did wrong"

This was one of MANY texts AFTER he said I was a "pretender analizer" for not wanting to continue after the first date, and (COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED) made sure i knew he would never hit a woman and was not jealous so I could "go to China" if I so chose and he wouldn't trip.

Um, so yeah, I'm pretty sure ending things helped me avoid getting beaten and/or chopped up in little pieces while he told people I'd gone to China.

Losing that guy (and not acquiring any new guys while I was out and about with my girlfriends), mean my roster now consisted of "Mr. B", who I'm legitimately dating and "Trini", who is just supposed to be a friend that I hook up with from time to time but really is a friend that I get along very well with.

The problem is, Trini and I have had a fling before and I accidently started catching feelings, so when my roster gets so sparse, I start getting in the danger zone of developing feelings again and that's no good.


2.) Mr. B. postpones a date so late that I end up canceling.

So, the day after Mr. B. and I hooked up the week before, we made plans for last night (Thursday). Thursday at 8pm. And he spent the whole week saying, "I can't wait 'til Thursday", "I'm gonna take you out Thursday", "Counting the days 'til Thursday", etc. Then Thursday morning comes and now it'll be 8-ISH.

Those who know me know I ABHOR tardiness. Especially from dudes. But I'll forgive you if you give me notice. He did that, and he's a cool dude with a car and the inclination to take me out, so I was OK with it.

But then 8:30 rolls around and he hasn't called. And I decide I'll be like Vivan Green and stop sitting by the phone and call to see what the deal is. Mind you, I haven't heard from him all day. When I call, he says he'll be another hour. This ninja!

I cut short my workout so I wouldn't keep him waiting and he'll be another hour?! Would I have known if I hadn't called? Do I really wanna take this from this dude? Why do dudes keep doing this to me?

All these questions flew through my head while I nicely said it was cool and I'd see him then. But 9:30-ish rolls around and I'm not having it. I'm home, I'm relaxed, and I'm SUPER PISSED at this dude for keeping me waiting. His reason was only semi-legit too! So I, feeling like I deserved better, canceled that date. He called immediately after I sent the text, very apologetic and amazingly, he was JUST NOW free to come over and hang, but I stuck to my guns and kept the date canceled. It would be after 10pm when he got to my house (if he left right then, and didn't go home to get changed) and I wasn't in the mood to have this dude turn me into a booty call. If anyone gets to turn anyone into a booty call, it's ME. So yeah, I canceled that ish and watched "The Nanny Diaries".

3.) No plans on a Friday night.

One of my gfs has friends in town. I know these friends, but they need to bond before I'm added to the mix (at least I think so), so I won't bother them attempting to tag along.

Trini took all day to tell me whether or not he was going to come over to play Scrabble and chill and then, at 5pm (I gave him until 6pm), he says he's just going to stay inside. Sure, this is no biggie. But add that to the lack of dudes in my roster, my date's postponement the night before and the PMS, and it felt like a huge deal.

He asked if we could hang Sunday, but I'm kinda done with dudes (friends or not) for a little while. Don't feel like thinking about them, stressing about them, trying to please them, cooking for them, dressing up for them, NONE of that! So I'll be practicing the songs for my upcoming album instead.

And that's the moral of the story. When you're out there in the dating world, and you start to feel insecure and every little brush-off feels like a monumental rejection you'll never recover from (he asked for her number instead of MINE), then you just take a step back and do you.

And never, EVER, change your plans for a dude. ;)

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

That's exactly what I've been doing lately. There's an expression: "You can sleep when you're dead", and I suppose it's true and it's been kind of my motto lately. But could I possibly be stretching myself too thin? Running myself into the ground?

I am what is referred to as an over-achiever. Unless I'm operating at at least 175%, I'm not satisfied and I tend to get restless. "Over-achiever" can also be referred to as "over-committed".

It's actually a blessing to be over-committed. Sure, sometimes I might complain about not having time to catch up on any of my shows online, or feeling like I'm some pack animal, constantly carrying my gym clothes and whatever additional clothes are necessary for my evening plans following the gym, but it's worth it.

Why is it worth it? Because despite the fact that I complain when there's too much to be done, this is the life I want. This is exactly what I asked for in those times when I was spending my entire weekend inside watching "Bridezilla" marathons, giving myself every excuse not to do my laundry.

I fantasized about what it would be like to have friends calling me with constant, glamorous plans to hang out, dates every night of the weekend, an impressive job title with matching work responsibilities, and the clothes, hair and body that go with such a sophisticated, busy, urban woman.

I wanted all that and I still do. The price? The price is sleep. The price is being woken up at 3am with a text to talk because it's 4pm in Tokyo and that's when my friend who was there was free. The price is not getting that moment of relaxation to watch that Lifetime movie Sunday night because an impromptu rooftop party just came up in the city and I have to change into stilettos (and I didn't get back to my apartment until 2am, by the way). The price is having to triage exactly who you get to hang out with and when, and even having to say NO to people because although I can operate at 175%, I can't split myself into two separate people occupying different spaces...yet.

Of course, however, there are perks. The perks are feeling loved. I got out of a relationship recently where I didn't feel loved. If I ever did, it was because I had jumped through some ridiculous hoops the person set up for me, only to find out there were more hoops at the end. But now? Now people are trying to get some of my time.

Now my friends keep me busy almost every weeknight (if not doing karaoke, or a poetry reading or visiting the premier gay men's gym in NYC, then over the phone, relaying some crazy story...and I finally have some of my own to share), men take me out every night of the weekend, and because of the heavy time I put into the gym and in the fashion advice from my amazing friends, I'm looking fabulous while doing all of it.

And the men are a BIG perk. I mean, before I seemed to run into these men who complained about paying the bill, even for the FIRST date. I don't think chivalry is dead, folks. But I was pretending I was so progressive that I was OK with paying, OK with coming over to my place as a date instead of going out, OK with changing my plans because HE freed up some time for ME at the last moment.

Not anymore. The men I date now have cars. Cars! In NYC, that's like crazy awesome. The men I date pay the tab and I don't even have to pretend to reach in my purse when the bill comes like some girls do. Sure, I'll do that on like date 3 or 4, but on the first date, I am completely blind to the bill. The men I date have jobs. Not unemployed! Not part-time employed! Not even minimum wage-employed. Legitimate jobs with legitimate titles that pay for these tabs and cars they have in their lives. And these men are doing their best to impress ME for a change, rather than telling me their sob story and asking for my help. As far as men are concerned, I'm homeless, broke and unemployed and have nothing to give them. They can offer me everything and I'll take it and consider gracing them with my company as a reward.

I know this might sound a bit callous. It is incredibly diva-like. I also know it sounds materialistic. I'm actually not materialistic at all. But folks, EVERYONE enjoys nice things. Every girl DESERVES higher-caliber men than what seems to be prevalent throughout New York. Before May, I'd only had one guy buy me a drink. EVER. With my new attitude, I'm inviting the positive energy in and at least two men offer to buy me a drink EVERY WEEK. I must be doing something right. Chivalry is not dead to these guys.

So I'll keep you posted. I'm living the life I've chosen, trimming the fat and the negativity that kept me away from my dreams. The end result is bound to be amazing...

Playing the Field

That's what I've been doing lately. I feel quite sophisticated, seeing several men, weighing my options, being squired about town and having drinks and food bought for me. Obviously all that isn't the goal of dating, but it's a quite enjoyable perk from the female perspective.

I used to think if you really wanted to get to know someone, you had to give them your undivided attention. While that might be true for your career, your weight-loss goals, any skills you hope to develop, that kind of focus is too much for the average man to handle.

Scratch that. That kind of focus is too much for the average PERSON to handle.

Someone made a comment on one of the many blogs I read about the fact that, though we complain about relationship games, were we to be handed our ideal mate in the perfect situation at the best time of our life, we'd regard the whole thing as suspicious.

"What do you mean there's no subterfuge? You mean I want him and he wants me and we both just talk? And when I say come over he does and when I say I'm hungry, he magically prepares my favorite food?"

I'd have to agree with this. That's why, for those Latin club geeks like myself, the TRUE meaning of the word "utopia" is not "perfect place" but "no place". It's no place because it can't exist. Humans can't accept or exist in perfection. That's why Adam & Eve went looking for that pesky apple, even though they were in Eden.

So we play games. Some people play more than is necessary, more than should be played if we're going to still call them "games". "Games" are fun. Sure, there's a winner and a loser, but they're ultimately made for our entertainment. But relationship games people play can so easily turn into lies, betrayals and cons and that's where many people get into trouble.

I've been conned. I've fallen for game. In retrospect, some of the game I've fallen for wasn't even that believable but the man was just so cute. And my naive self forgot I KNEW it was a game and fell head over heels with a player.

The solution? Play the field. Go out. Go out A LOT. Go out with men you're not sure you want to go out with. Go out on nights you're tired. Go out even if there's one guy you really like more than the others. Weigh your options. Find what works for you. If none of the guys work, you can keep dating them for fun, or you can find new guys. If one or all of them are playing games, drop the game players. It'll be easier to see who's the real deal when you have a comparison.

Go out. Meet people. Date. And see what happens. :)