C'est La Vie

So, yesterday I ended it with the personal trainer. It was the most horrible feeling of deja vu to have put too much of myself into a casual relationship, developed feelings, and realized the dude could've cared less about me. It sucked. There's no other way to put it. And the deja vu came in because it was almost verbatim the same conversation I'd had with Trini when we ended it. And we ended it the same way, trying to keep it going with stops and starts until finally it was over. 

And Mr. P.T. was ALMOST as big of an asshole as Trini was too, although as soon as I felt those familiar feelings of rejection, I thought, "Why? This dude wasn't reciprocating your efforts anyway. Why are you crying over some dude that you fell for merely because you like being in a relationship and he allowed you to feel that way, but not enjoy any of its benefits?" So I turned the conversation to him and why he'd throw away such an awesome chick because he made an arbitrary decision some time ago to not be in a relationship. He said he'd been hurt before. I asked how long ago. He said years. YEARS? Really? I was pretty badly hurt when the love of my life (so far) and I decided to end it, but after eight months of partying, drinking, making new friends, graduating college and moving, I realized I was ready to try again. YEARS?

I said, "Dude. It's not like she stabbed you. Or stole your car. Or set your apartment on fire. Or slapped your mom. Sure, what happened sucked, but  billions of people (including myself) go through worse and we get back on that horse. Aren't you 32?"

"33", he said. 

33? 33 and STILL dwelling on some ish that happened YEARS ago, that wasn't even as bad as several people's stories that I know personally?

Wow. I mean, now I'm even less attracted to Mr. P.T., because he's not a hurting dude who's still getting over it. That ends in months, maybe a year tops, maybe a little more than that if you were together for like 10+ years. But YEARS? YEARS of wallowing in strangers' vaginas, not actually healing, not actually confronting anything? You're not getting over her. You're being a dick. And at 33, you should be ashamed.

So, whatever, we finished our conversation, and I felt much better realizing that his "coping mechanism" actually put him in the category of "self-pitying asshole taking his relationship misfortunes out on unsuspecting idealists/romantics", and which is in the bigger category of "guys I have ZERO INTEREST in dating." It was a relief. We talked. Like friends. He said we could stay friends. I said I didn't expect to hear from him until the Spring when I'd need training. He said, "no no no, it's not like that", and texted me today to prove a point.

Whatever. I got a new loctician and a personal trainer out of it. And by the time him or any of the other idiots that passed me up because they "weren't ready" realize they should've kept me, I'll either be happily single or happily coupled up.

Hmmm. Happily single. Lets explore that concept.

P.S. The musician that I had a really nice date with last weekend TOTALLY disappointed me this weekend. We'd had a casual thing whenever he was home from tour, but this time, when he got back, it was to a K that was looking for a relationship, and not into getting that feeling of deja vu rejection ever again. He manned up, and took me out, and respected the No Sex rule. But he never followed it up with any cute texts or phone calls, when I called him on it, he called me to say he DID have a great time and had just been super busy and sick, and did indeed want to take me out again. But then he SLEPT through the whole weekend, and made it perfectly clear that, even though he was going to take me out and date me, he was never available and may not have wanted anything from the date but the opportunity to hopefully have sex again. Oh well. He'll realize THAT'S not happening soon enough. ;)

P.P.S. Match.com, which I joined to keep my mother from thinking I was turning into a bitter old hag (which isn't true; I'm a bitter young lady), is full of scammers and crazy people. In other words, it's just like real life, which is the opposite of refreshing. Whatever. All these dudes are giving me a headache. They're good for nothing but talking dirty to when I have a free moment and, at most, making out. If they want to take me out, good for them. I'll give anyone I'm attracted to a shot. But if you don't come correct, I'll tune you out. It's time to get vicious here. I deserve better. What a novel idea that I actually REALIZE that now.

Skeletons in the Closet

They always seem to rear their heads in groups. People I've sworn off or forgotten come out of the woodwork in clusters, making me wonder if they're not cosmically linked with each other and me somehow. Otherwise, what could explain why two dudes I ended it with BOTH contacted me yesterday?

The first was the good musician. I thought, despite our little casual physical affair, that we were friends as well, only to find that he stopped speaking to me when I ended it. One friend said that perhaps he felt more than he was letting on for me, but I gave him every opportunity to try to make more with me and he shot down every one. Also, he gave me the same tired-ass speech all the dudes give when they want to "hit it and quit it": "I just got out of something really serious and I like spending time with you, but I'm not looking to get involved again any time soon."

Save it.

I'm not ready to get involved with any more dudes that use that wack-ass speech. Honestly, if ANOTHER person says to me that speech, or says "I've been hurt before, so I'm really careful with my heart", all OBVIOUSLY in an attempt to sleep with me without allowing me to expect anything from them (like COURTESY, RESPECT, or COMMITMENT), then I'm literally going to get up, walk away, delete their contact information and never speak to them again. You have to be ruthless with these guys, because they're under the impression it's acceptable to give these cop-out excuses because so many women accept them.

Anyway, enough of my rant. The musician hit me up. He said he was just checking on me. After weeks of silence he's "CHECKING ON ME". I was polite, cheerful, but I'm not going down that road with him again. And I'll probably always keep him at a distance because I know that I can't rely on this guy in the future if he bails when the sex stops. Sorry, but try again. I haven't valued myself enough in the past, but I'm getting over that problem REAL QUICK!

Second, the personal trainer dude hit me up. I was beginning to feel like a hotel/soup kitchen/bordello/halfway house for all these dudes, the personal trainer included. I felt like I was bringing so much to the table, and they weren't bringing anything back. I thought I enjoyed being generous and helping these dudes but my parents corrected me. "No, K, you don't like being generous. You like reciprocity. You don't want to just give and give and never receive. You want to be treated like you're treating these guys."

It's true. I'm extremely giving and caring, and my problem has always been that I choose the WRONG DUDES to give to and care for. My mom is convinced the right guy is out there--most likely because she wants grandchildren and she doesn't want me to become a bitter hag--but I'm not so sure anymore. It could be that I was given my one great love and my challenge now is to love myself and figure out how to make that enough. I'm working on it...

Anyway, I bluntly asked the guy if he planned on reciprocating all the great treatment I was giving him. True, it's not a "relationship", and we're just "hooking up", but I'm giving my all to this casual thing and I would appreciate the same thing, even if it doesn't include commitment. He blew me off. Said he was sleeping. At 7:30pm. So I let that go, knowing I was EXTREMELY pissed, and, after almost 72 hours had passed without another word from him, I let him know that he'd shown me his true character, that I knew what I needed to know, and that our time together was great but had reached an end.

He responded by leaving me an extremely disrespectful message, to which I also didn't respond. I know I'm not your girl, Mr. P.T. I know you're not committed to me. I know that you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. I know, I know, I know. I was merely asking if, since you're getting more from this casual relationships than just sex, perhaps I could too. But being blown off was a big, resounding, "NO!", and it hurt.

It shouldn't've hurt. I should be happy he let me know before I put any more effort in. But it did. It hurt because it was the last of the dudes I was dealing with that had ALL ended badly and that with ALL of them, despite my care and my awesomeness, NONE of them had developed any feelings for me and were able to summarily dismiss me and move on to some other chick.

Ugh. That hurt. Can't lie.

But then, yesterday, Mr. P.T. calls me. He doesn't text to resume contact, he calls. He says he wasn't blowing me off. That my text hit him at exactly the wrong time. That he really was sleeping (at the gym, between sessions), that things have been hectic, that he forgot his mom's 50th birthday, blah blah blah. He also said he'd call later. I got tired, fell asleep, and woke up to no missed calls. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, but maybe not after he realizes that I'm really not starting up with him again.

Friends is cool. Friends with the musician; friends with Mr. P.T. I could always use more friends. But I need some time alone. And when I'm done with my time alone, I need some quality guys that like me for more than just my physique and what's between my legs. It'll be a long, lonely road, but I'm not giving up my hard-won self-esteem and life lessons of the past year just to settle for dudes that will give me nothing more than an unsatisfying relationship. ANOTHER unsatisfying relationship.

Nope. I've reached my wits end. Good riddance to anyone who's not cool with that.

Down with Love

To be honest, I don't actually feel this way. Love (romantic love, to be precise) is great. My parents have it. Some of my friends have it. It seems pretty awesome. What I mean to say with the title is that I'm DONE with love. At least for now. I only include the "at least for now" caveat because things change and I've always been a mutable person but, at least for the foreseeable future, I am done with romantic/sexual interaction of any sort.

I came to this conclusion logically. After breaking it off with the last of my "Friends With Benefits" in what was, I thought, a very civil and neat manner, I received a nasty, angry voicemail from said FWB saying he wasn't even my man, that he was "trying to be nice", but that I was "acting up" and if I didn't want to see him anymore, "that's cool". Yep. It's cool. It's always cool. No romantic/sexual connection I've ever had has cared when they lost me except my first. I should start referring to him as my only, at this point. My only love. The only guy who ever cared. The only guy who ever fought for us.

I've been thinking of him more and more lately, most likely because I'm taking part in a probably less-than-healthy twitter conversation with him after years of semi-annual emails. I'm CERTAIN I'm romanticizing what was, in fact, a relationship that was doomed from the start. We were going different places. And I can't say that I regret the choice I made to continue my life the way I did, as it's led me to so many amazing things, any more than he would say he regrets his decision, because he's clearly happy with his life.

Which leads me to why I came to my decision. My life is awesome.

• I work at a job I love, that's creative and that pays well with a cool boss that appreciates me and doesn't overwork me. 
• I live in a very nice one-bedroom apartment that I can afford on my own, that has carpeting and that is always full of good meals that I can cook for myself. 
• I have tons of super trendy friends (WAY trendier/cooler than myself) that enjoy my company. 
• I am talented and am pursuing my talent with talented people that are at the top of their fields WORLDWIDE. 
• I've lost 82 pounds since my heaviest weight and am the healthiest I've ever been as a post-pubescent adult.

In short: I'm pretty fucking awesome.

So, where's the snag? What's the ONLY reason I call my friends/family tearful and miserable? What area of my life has caused the most pain and heartache? What area of my life do I seem never to have good news regarding?

It's simple: My love/sex life. My interactions with men (beyond the platonic/professional sense) just NEVER go well. There was a girl from Paraguay on the varsity wrestling team with me in school that said, "Men will be your downfall." I always chuckled inside when I thought about it, because she was a closet lesbian and crushing on me and I thought she was just trying to convince me of men's evil so I'd fall into the comfort of her arms.

But now I think she may have been cursing me. Every time I have to be calmed down from hysterics that my heart was broken again, I think of what she said and wonder.

Another alternative is that God specifically doesn't want me to have love. I mean, I can't get EVERYTHING I want, can I? I can't be Ivy-League educated, smart, successful, from a two-parent home of Ivy-League-educated parents that demonstrate ideal Black love, with all the blessings I listed above and ALSO get love, can I? Maybe that's only for people who are struggling.

Honestly, I wouldn't trade my success in any other area or any of my blessings for love. I will only accept love if it's IN ADDITION to all the other great things I have going for me, and perhaps that's why I don't have it. I can't have EVERYTHING. It's the human condition to struggle and my struggle must be that I cannot find romantic love, no matter how hard I try.

So I'm not trying. I'm also not NOT trying, as people say you should do. They say once you stop looking for it, it'll come. I don't want it even when it does come. All dealing with romance/sex seems to bring is negativity into my life and I'm finally saying "uncle". I'm giving up my masochistic search for love in favor or pursuing what DOES make me happy and what DOES fulfill me and what DOES reward/emphasize all the things that I think are great about me.

I told you I'd report back in two weeks about my romantic situation and there it is: I no longer wish to have one. I don't think that's bad news at all. I just think that's the life I choose to accept. There are other kinds of love that don't allude me and I will enjoy them to the fullest.

Vasilopita!! Opa!!

For those who don't know, Vasilopita is a Greek bread served on New Year's Day. I'll spare you the details (as I don't really know them), but it's always served on St. Basil's Day (January 1st), and it contains a coin hidden inside. Whoever gets the piece that contains the coin gets a year of good luck.

The King cake (pictured above) has the same lore attached. Inside, you can find a coin or a tiny baby figurine and receive good luck, and sometimes it means you'll have to bake/buy next year's cake.

Anyway, I NEVER win things like this! I've never guessed the right amount of candies in a jar. I've never won a raffle. I very rarely won bingo and never for any big prizes. Honestly, this was kind of a big deal. I hope it is as fortuitous as it claims to be. With the release of this album, my weight loss, my new relationship goals, ETC. ETC., I could use all the luck I can get this year. I'm really excited and this is a great omen! :)

Happy Birthday to Me!

So, I may not have mentioned this, but my birthday is December 15th. I just turned 26. The awesome thing about having a birthday near the end of the year is that the new year and all its amazing possibilities and its clean slate feels like one of your birthday presents. And isn't that an awesome present?

I could say things about my love life (or lack thereof), but I won't. It's tiring to even care. I told you I'd give it a few weeks and I will. My horoscope (I find myself getting back into them lately, perhaps because I'm becoming impatient with the future) said I have the best chance to meet the love of my life starting January 22nd and lasting for six months. Apparently, I haven't had a love boost this big since 1999. I didn't really feel it then (I was in 8th and 9th grade then, and my heaviest weight ever, dealing with significant depression, starting high school, etc.), but hey, here's hoping. I'd love to meet my true love. I am so very tired of dealing with settling for substitutes. Poor substitutes at that. There I go again. Let me not get into that. A few weeks. I'm sure everything will sort itself out.

That last line really is the truth. Despite my bouts of depression, the rough patches we all go through, my disappointments and setbacks and EVERYTHING, I have always felt I'd be OK. That I'd find a way. That I'd be successful and my dreams would come true and that everything I went through wasn't in vain. Honestly, I've won in situations where the odds were against me so many times, I don't think it's a fluke. I think I truly have favor. And you know what they say about favor...

**(If you don't, the expression is: "Favor ain't fair, but it's on me.")

Anyway, my producer and I had a talk. It was nice. He explained that he's super busy and it's not his loss of interest or lack of faith in my talents/abilities that lead to him completely ignoring me for long spans of time. That's comforting. If you don't know, artists are extremely sensitive. You'd have to live under a rock not to know, but it bears repeating. People see all the bravado, hear the talent, see the masterpieces, and don't understand exactly how personal, nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching presenting art to the world really is. Erykah Badu said it best: "Keep in mind I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive 'bout my shit."

We talked. We said we had to work on our communication. We said we had to work, PERIOD, and now things are back on track. I'm so glad that's the case. Nothing is worse than to be working on a project so personal and important to you with a person you're not sure agrees. Sure, you don't NEED support. Not TECHNICALLY. But everyone in the world WANTS support, encouragement, acknowledgement and praise.

Anyway, I feel OK. Other than a cold that won't let go of me, I feel fine. Everything is going to be OK. In better-than-OK news, I'm down to 158 lbs. If I'm 5'7", I've finally achieved a healthy BMI. If I'm 5'6", I still have 3 pounds to go. Either way, I think I look sexy as heck and the men in my life seem to agree. Again, not going there. Just sharing that, my body seems to be under control. And that is a huge part of how you feel about the world. :)

About the Album!!

All this lovey-dovey stuff has been giving me a bit of a headache. Even the positive change that's been going on has been overwhelming. I amid a transition, so I'm going to take a break from the constant updates and check back in a few weeks to see if there's any REAL news to report on the love/romance/healing front.

So, what other huge things are going on in my life right now? Well, as you HOPEFULLY have gleaned, I'm working on an album of classic covers. I'm trying to release it in the Spring. I'm not so sure if that's definitely going to be the case.

And, ever the impatient one, that was irritating me. Here's why:

1.) My producer was originally just an artist I hired for my session and was so inspired he decided he wanted to be my mentor/producer for the remainder of the project (and my music career, it seemed). NOW, however, he seems to be losing a bit of steam. Not creatively. He is a WEALTH of creative knowledge and resources that I am proud to be aligned with and completely blessed to work with. BUT, he's a working musician himself. He's got his own album that just came out, with his own shows to do, and his own music videos to shoot. And my eagerness to get this project done so I can GET OUT THERE as an artist appears to be wearing on him.

Also, although he offered his services as a mentor (and definitely HAS provided me with some awesome advice), I was treating him somewhat as my manager during this whole process, and because of the aforementioned responsibilities, he's just not able to be as hands-on and constantly-available as I'd like. I'm new at this, and I'm nervous and excited and amped beyond belief. And it's just a lot of energy to direct at someone who ALSO has his own stuff going on, no matter how much he wants to work with me. I worry he won't actually want to continue working with me after this project is done, at least not on any NEW projects. I could have just tired him out and that's got me a bit bummed.

2.) My producer is busy, and so are ALL THE OTHER MUSICIANS. I'm the only one who's NOT busy, because I haven't released this album, and that's another reason for my eagerness. I want to take four days to respond to a text, possibly NEVER respond to a phone call, and have to pencil someone in two weeks from Saturday to DISCUSS scheduling something else because I'm so busy with my music career. That's where all of the musicians I'm working with are. I'm INSANELY envious of them, and eager to get where they are. I want to put in the work. I'm totally willing to. But, dang, every delay is made worse by seeing people who are already where I want to be.

3.) This is much bigger than I anticipated. This "project" of mine started as a glorified demo, just meant to get me work around NYC and THEN work on a REAL album sometime in the future. I lucked out and found great musicians who wanted to turn my "project" into a bona fide ALBUM, but that means it's costing more money, taking more time (see above), and including way more things I hadn't planned on tackling right now. Like paying for royalties. And getting a website. And taking publicity pictures. And meeting with a lawyer. And possibly submitting this to labels. And researching which labels would even WANT to hear my stuff. And trying to garner fans. And picking a release date. And building a fan place. AND AND AND.... Even ATTEMPTING to think about the big picture makes me a little nauseous and it feels so far away and I'm a bit down about that.

But hey, LIFE INTERVENED. My "project" turned into an ALBUM and that is AWESOME, and YES, that does mean more time and stress, but it also means more IMPACT, more chance of NOTORIETY, more general PROGRESS in my music career than I'd even anticipated at the start.

And so here's what I'm doing to overcome my few frustrations with the project:

1.) Stop treating my producer like my manager. He doesn't need to be consulted for every, little decision I make and he doesn't, if he's really honest with me, WANT to be consulted about the non-musical stuff. Sure, he cares about my album and he's made it abundantly clear he's going to stick with me to the end. But it's not his job to entertain my idle mind. It's not his job and he doesn't have the inclination or ABILITY to walk me through this like a baby. I have to find a way to deal with my own frustration, I have to find a way to keep myself busy and still focused. So I took charge as of 2011 and decided I'd get back to my roots of singing background. True, it's not gigging as a solo artist, but that's coming. And in the meantime, I need some "busy work" to keep me from going insane. So work work work is what I'll do.

2.) Meditate.Nothing like a few "woosah"s to get me to be a bit more zen about something.

The rough mix for the project isn't ready Tuesday, but SATURDAY? So what? What's a few days in the long run?

Your musician friends aren't asking you to sing on their projects? So what? You should be making a name for YOURSELF, not relying on ANYONE ELSE'S name.

It's going to take FOUR overdub sessions instead of ONE to take care of all the extra instrumental changes to the songs? So what? It'll all be worth it in the end.

My album is going to be ELEVEN songs instead of TEN? No. TWELVE songs instead of ELEVEN? No...So what? However many songs, it'll be awesome.

You just have to take a moment to see the beauty in the constant change.

So yes, my album is coming along. Yes, there's BOATLOADS to still be done. Yes, I'm excited about it (so excited I'm going a little crazy). But it will be done when it's done and it'll be awesome and worth the wait. As my mother said, "You only make your first album once." Thank goodness. Doing this again might KILL me, lol.

Speaking of Which!

It's me. Again. Two posts in a day is quite unusual but I'm in learning mode and I'm loving it. Don't get used to it. The CD is coming along nicely and I'm sure I'll have no time two post soon (I hope!). Get it while supplies last. ;)

Anyway, I mentioned in my other post for today that my most recent hookup gave me advice. Well, my TWO most recent hookups did, but I'm only speaking of one. The one who told me not to rush with this new man.

Last night, he is responsible for a major life moment to me. We'd recently decided that we shouldn't continue hooking up, because although he said he felt more when we were intimate, he really only meant a strong PHYSICAL connection and wasn't even CLOSE (I asked, believe me) to being ready to settle down. He'd said he wasn't being fair to me and I was an amazing woman ("wifey material"), that should find a man who really wanted me fully, who could be there for me fully. And as much as he liked our sexual connection (and I did too), the fact that he inadvertently sent me mixed messages that led to me beginning to develop feelings meant things might get crazy later on (like they did with "Trini"), and he didn't want that to happen, so we should just be friends.

I begrudgingly agreed. I'd wanted to see him when I returned from the holidays and he'd wanted to see me, partly because I missed him, partly to make up from a small disagreement, and partly because we missed each other PHYSICALLY, but his grandmother had died that night and various other things had prevented us from linking up.

Call it fate.

Anyway, despite us deciding we should continue as friends, he needed to talk last night. I thought it was a ruse and that he was just trying to get one last hoorah before we called it quits physically. He came over and we talked and chilled and it was nice, but it was also sweet and there was an intimacy there and a softness to him that spoke to me. And I thought, "Hey, let me do something nice for him. I'm not going to go crazy RIGHT THIS MINUTE. How about I offer the sex to cheer him up during his time of grief and THEN we call it quits physically."

I offered, and he, a bit grudgingly, agreed. He was definitely still attracted to me, he said, but he didn't come over for that. I said I know. I know he's a sweet guy. I know he's actually awesome. But I just wanted him to let me do that for him.

So we started to fool around and it was nice but when it came down to REALLY getting started (please don't let my mom be reading this), he couldn't go through with it. When he admitted (and apologized to me) that he shouldn't have said he was developing feelings, he really felt bad. Felt I deserved more. Felt he was doing me wrong. REALLY. And although he desperately did want to be physical with me last night (and I did too, and I was OFFERING), he couldn't do that to me. He likened it to a recent conversation with his father, and his last decent conversation with his late grandmother. He said he hadn't felt this way, hadn't felt so convicted since he last was growing in his relationship with God.

It was awe-inspiring. Literally.

We got dressed. Talked some more. And I said we could be friends. REALLY. He had a journey of self-discovery ahead of him (and made me realize I might want to try one too), and I wanted to support him on it as a friend. I also, and this was humbling, want him to come out the other side of his journey and realize he wants to be with me.

REALLY.

No man has ever shown me that level of respect. I've heard men can change but I've never witnessed it and it was powerful and amazing and I really felt like God was present. Like he was present and changing him and also changing me as a witness. I want him to learn and heal and I want to learn and heal too. And then, seriously, I want to see if I'm the woman he chooses. Because that, no bullshit, is the kind of real man I want. That, perhaps, is the first REAL MAN I've seen outside of my father. And that's what I want.

I plan to live my life, and I don't plan on getting too gushy with him over it (although I did tell him what happened affected me), and I DEFINITELY don't plan on forcing myself on him or impeding his journey in any way, but damn, I just saw a man become a new man and that's the kind of man I want. That's real. I know it exists now. So I can relax and stop worrying I'll never find it. Even if we don't end up together, I know it can happen.

It's REAL. God is real. Begin the journey...

No time to heal...

I mentioned my bad run of romantic luck yesterday, so y'all are all abreast. It was amazing how strong the epiphany was when my mom informed me that perhaps I was just hurting from all the rejection. A novel idea. Something I hadn't really thought of, even though it was obvious. And she was right. I always cover all my hurt with everything from legitimate projects to white-noise-distractions, and perhaps it's time to slow down and take a look at things. Take a look at me. No, there's nothing WRONG with me, but perhaps I could do with a little me time. A little time to heal before jumping right back on that horse.

I took that time after ending things with my first love because it was necessary. I had no choice. The blow was as strong as I've heard people describe losing a family member. The relationship, like a family member that passes, was completely lost and the grief was real. I took some time, started partying, started drinking harder, started jogging, and eventually, started dating again.

The next guy I legitimately dated after him? Not so hot. He ended up being an abusive alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is a closeted gay man who's repressed feelings come violently to the surface when he gets blackout drunk. When things didn't work out with him, I had two reactions.

ONE: Stay home alone, afraid, unable to open up to another man again.
TWO: Go out like nothing happened, date, be merry, make love, not war, etc.

I chose option TWO over option ONE because I thought option ONE was letting him win. If I stayed home and wallowed and obsessed over how horrible the situation was, I thought I was giving him more power than he already tried to exert during his abuse. So I IMMEDIATELY started dating someone from Match.com, followed by someone from BlackPlanet.com, then someone from eHarmony.com, etc. etc.

Honestly, I've continued that pattern of not allowing myself time to heal to this day. I got out of that horrible and horribly long relationship and immediately decided casual sex was the answer. I had a string of them, all ultimately unsatisfying and none leading to anything more than a tearful conversation on the phone with family and/or friends. My mother said I was to blame for allowing myself to be a victim and she was right, because I was putting myself in a situation I knew would be unsatisfying for me. That's why I hadn't been in casual relationships before that point. As my most recent casual relationship pointed out to me, I'm not built for it.

But when my mother said perhaps I was not really angry with the various guys or guys in general, but that I, K, was HURT, it hit me. I AM hurt. I thought "taking time to heal" was for losers. All I needed to do was take a weekend to myself to brain storm and get back in the ring, right? WRONG. Without realizing it, by not confronting all the hurts I'd sustained since moving to NYC (and dating, in general), I was compounding each scenario so that each time I got hurt, I felt the FULL WEIGHT of ALL THE HURTS I'd ever sustained. They were all simmering just beneath the surface.

I say "were", but they "are". Sure, I didn't want the alcoholic to win. I didn't want to think that he'd damaged me irreparably. I actually refuse to believe that anyone is damaged IRREPARABLY. We can all heal. We can all change. We can all snap out of it.

But he did damage me. I thought I was being healthy, moving on with the quickness, but it was just a coping mechanism, a form of denial that has FINALLY caught up with me. It's time to deal with it. It's time to HEAL.

So yeah, there's a young man trying to date me. And yes, my friend that he originally pursued has given me her blessing should something happen between us. But I'm actually taking the advice of two of my most recent hookups.

ONE: Meditate. Take a moment. Take some quiet time. Ditch the white noise and try some silence and solitude.
TWO: Take your time. Don't rush with this dude. He may be the one. He may not. You DON'T KNOW. Take your TIME to find out.

New Year=New Me?

Resolutions are the big thing on everyone's mind. They vow to lose weight. They vow to quit smoking. They vow to stop drinking or to cut out caffeine. I've personally had more existential resolutions like:

• I vow to stop being so afraid of making mistakes.
• I vow to hone my personal and professional persona.
• I vow to put up with less crap from dudes.
• I vow to take more time for me.
• I vow to continue my healthy lifestyle, and with renewed vigor.
• I vow to travel to one place I've been DYING to go to for years.

All of those are my current resolutions for 2011 (and beyond), although I didn't put much thought in them and have been working on them since before the 2011 changeover.

I just ended a bad streak, personally. No one was more excited for 2010 to end on the personal level than me. The first half of the year was spent in a terrible relationship. The second half of the year was spent in unsatisfying casual "relationships". No love for K in 2010. No love for K since 2006. I'm trying not to harp on it. Trying not to wallow. My mother says I'm a bit whiney and that kind of critique hurts. She also says that I am partially to blame for my relationship situation, because I'm allowing myself to be victimized. Again, that hurt like heck to hear.

The dude that I had a meaningless and disappointing hookup with got back with his girl over the break. The dude that said he was feeling more for me took it back over the break. The friend that I used to be able to talk to got laid off and started talking to another girl romantically over break. I didn't get a call/text from "Trini" over break (and I suppose I didn't want to, but I kinda did want to, just to know I was wanted, even if the wanting wasn't mutual.). My biggest RESOLUTION was the resolution of any flimsy relationships in my life, even though the decision and process was painful to say the least.

A lot of crumby personal things happened right after a fairly awesome recording session last night and it just irritates the crap out of me. I don't want to take my personal issues personally, but I do. I wonder why not me? Why can't I have success in ALL areas of my life? True, it's a rather ungrateful desire, but I didn't get as far as I am by relenting. I am driven, demanding, domineering, impatient, and it gets me what I want in all areas but ONE.

And that IS selfish. Both the meaningless hookup dude and my mom agreed that perhaps I should try meditation to get over all my BS. And my mom pointed something out which is that, perhaps I'm not actually angry and upset and frustrated with my project and dudes. Perhaps I'm just hurting from the string of rejections I've suffered at the hands of said dudes. Perhaps there's all this pain and horrible suffering I've been supressing (not PERHAPS; that's DEFINITELY the case), and I just need to take the time to deal with it...or use the angst on my musical project.

They're right (although the meaningless hookup dude is no longer going to be an advice source as his treatment of me has undermined any credibility he had). They're right, and "Trini" is right, and the trainer is right, and everyone is right. I hate that. I'm a know-it-all. I HATE being schooled. HATE IT! ;)

But in this case, perhaps I should just forego the dinner of white wine gulped too fast and try meditation. Just to see. No, it won't undo the hurt. And no, it won't find Mr. Right. And no, it won't make waiting for him to find me any easier. And no, it won't make those who hurt me pay karmically or apologize or anything like that. It'll just help ME, in a personal, effective way.

And, on a positive note, I am one step closer to finishing my album, so that's quite awesome. Despite my intermittent frustration at the project, I'm happy with how things are going and, although I can't see the finish line yet, my producer assures me it's very close.

And on another positive note, there's a young man who's interested in me. He doesn't seem like a young man. He seems older than me. I stopped dating young men a while ago, and haven't really seen the upside to older men. I'm curious about him. We don't know each other and we don't know what the other person really wants, but the attraction is real and strong and, once my close girlfriend gives her blessing (because he once hit on her back in the day), I'll be free to explore my curiosity with him. Legitimate dating. Maybe not with a legitimate adult (we'll call him "Young'n" for now), but, it's a start. And, as my producer said, I can always work on my harmonies to keep myself busy...