A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place. Part of me wants to be in a relationship. That part that likes to be held and cuddle. That part that hates that when I was sick this month, I had to go to the store myself to get medicine and soup, almost passing out on the street. That part of me that's an excellent cook and loves cooking for SOMEONE. That part that cooked her own Thanksgiving dinner this year (and the TURKEY!), because someday, I supposedly will be carrying on the traditions I had growing up with future family.

Another big part of me looks at the horrible wreckage of my relationship history and is incredibly SCARED. How many times have I chosen incorrectly? Not just a small misstep but a WHOPPER of a mistake in my choice of men. One was an alcoholic. Another was a con man. Still another put his hands on me. Several definitely had other women. Most common are the ones that aren't looking for anything serious and can't wait to cast me aside, no matter how much I pour into the situation with my hope. What if that happens again? What if it's worse? Maybe all this wreckage is a caution sign from God that I'm not heeding. It's saying, "STOP! You're not supposed to be with someone. Look what keeps happening!"

And still another part of me is ANGRY. SO SO SO SO ANGRY! Like, how dare any of you trifling fools reject ME? ME!!! I'm so awesome. I could list all the amazing attributes that would make me an ideal wife, lover, friend, etc., but there's no reason I should even have to go into that. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, MEN SHOULD WANT ME! How dare you cheat on me? How dare you use me for physical pleasure and then cast me aside when you're "ready" for something "REAL"? Maybe YOU don't deserve ME! And what about God? WTF is God thinking? Is he torturing me? Did I stab several men on the altar in a past life to deserve this type of unceasing emotional carnage? Will my penance continue into my next life too? How much longer am I supposed to keep giving people a try who hurt me? Who tell me I'm not good enough the way I am, even though I most certainly am?

I feel all of those emotions EQUALLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY. They are pushing each other, shoving each other around, vying for the top spot in my mindset. I don't know whether to be bitter, upset, or hopeful from one moment to the next and I've frustrated friends and family over it. I'm the most frustrated of them all.

So what now? I'm in the most difficult media res of my life professionally, and now personally too. Something's Gotta Give! (one of my favorite movies)

30 Days of Bobby McFerrin

So, despite my successes, I have trouble maintaining a positive attitude. Sure, some things don't go my way, but so many amazing things DO come my way, I feel I should be better at staying on an even keel.

I do feel blessed, I do appreciate all that God as done for me, I do recognize all the elite opportunities I've been given and I value them incredibly...but it doesn't seem like it. Because I get so caught up worrying, kvetching, obsessing, whatever you want to call it! It's making me tired and it's to the point where I'm upset with MYSELF for not being able to turn off the Nagging Ninnie and Debbie Downer in my head amidst everything wonderful that I have. I know part of it is this stressful time of year, a few personal setbacks I've gone through, and my mild Seasonal Affective Disorder when the sun stays gone for MONTHS at a time, but still, this is my LIFE. I need to figure out a more long-term way to cope or else I'll feel 60 by the time I'm 30.

The solution? Bobby McFerrin. So long ago, he came up with a song "Don't Worry, Be Happy". I know, I know. It's definitely corny. But I have LONG since believed in the power of music to alter our states of minds. It's time for me to do a drastic overhaul, especially with everything I have coming up in 2012 (more on that later). In light of my birthday, which is tomorrow (and which I've been seriously looking forward to), I'm going to start every morning for 30 DAYS off with this inspirational, upbeat song that, in the past, always put a smile on my face.

The hardest thing to change is a way of thinking, in my opinion, so this is my version of immersion therapy. It doesn't LITERALLY have to be Bobby McFerrin, either. Just a positive song that cheers you up every time you hear it for 30 DAYS, to start your day. Feel free to let me know if it improves your mood in the long term. I'll keep you posted! Every day is another chance to get it right, and I'm taking mine SERIOUSLY. :)

Don't worry, be happy!

On the Horizon!

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted and my apologies about that. So much is going on!

First off, I have a birthday giveaway going on, if you weren't aware. December 15th, 2011 will be my 27TH BIRTHDAY, and to celebrate, I'll be giving FIVE LUCKY FANS presents for answering trivia about me that can be found in Facebook fanpage, blogs, twitter, official website, and tumblr. Three prizes have already been won, and the deadline is my birthday, so hurry for your chance to win. The prizes all come from Taste Budd's Cafe, the wonderful venue in Red Hook, NY in which I had the honor of performing last month. The food was so good I had to share, and to say THANK YOU for being such amazing fans. Here's the link!

https://www.facebook.com/KatWebb1984?sk=app_192229990808929

Second, I'm doing my first ONLINE concert. Months ago, I posted a poll of whether my fans would prefer merchandise, cooking shorts featuring yours truly, or an online concert so ANYONE, ANYWHERE could attend. Well, the online concert won and as my first try, I'll be throwing an ONLINE CHRISTMAS CONCERT of holiday favorites. It will be an intimate acoustic show of myself and a pianist, singing some of your/my holiday favorites. It's pay-what-you-can, and it's online, so anyone can attend. My birthday giveaway is my chance to give something back to the fans, but this Christmas concert, "Have a Merry Kat Webb Christmas", would make a great birthday present to ME from YOU, my lovely fans! I know, I know. You were stressing about what to get me. ;) Now you know! :) Here's the link!

http://www.stageit.com/kat_webb/have_a_merry_kat_webb_christmas/5430

That will bring 2012 to a close for my fans, but not for ME, because I'm currently hard at work selecting songs and writing for my upcoming SOPHOMORE ALBUM! It will be released late Spring 2012, and I'll be filling you in on your chance to be involved soon enough! Just know that amazing producers Christian Ver Halen and Jesse Fischer are signed on, and this will be ORIGINAL MUSIC! Some of it will even be by yours truly! I know, scary, but exciting too! I hope you like it. Stay tuned for more on that.

That's not all folks! I ALREADY have two big shows lined up! One will be at Brooklyn's newest, funkiest venue, Goodbye, Blue Monday. That's on Thursday, April 5th, 2011 and will be a release party for one of the singles from my sophomore album. The bill for the night is still TBD, but so far, emerging electro-soul artist, Domunique (http://domunique.bandcamp.com/) will be joining me. I know it's a ways out, so that's just an FYI, but it's still exciting.

The other big show I have lined up is with hip-hop veteran Chen Lo and The Lo Frequency! OMG, I'm so excited about this one! It will be Friday, February 17th at 9:30pm and TLF and I will have a rockin' show for you of originals and fan favorites to make it a night to remember. Seriously, you don't want to miss that. Here's the link!

https://www.facebook.com/events/256940491025651/

Well, I think that about covers it! Stay tuned for more updates on these great events, especially the BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY and ONLINE CONCERT: "Have a Merry Kat Webb Christmas", which are right around the corner. Thank you so much for being a fan, and joining me on my musical journey. I promise to give you something interesting to listen to and think about! :)

Kat.

P.S. Meow.

Lessons Learned

I'm amazed at what a difference a year makes. A year ago today, I was still grappling with the idea that my little "demo" was going to be a full-fledged album. I was deciding which songs to record in my next big weekend session. I was seeing free shows at The Blue Note with amazing musicians. I was thinking about what my image might be, what my message should be, what my success could be.

In some ways, I was thinking too small. I thought, "I know all these musicians, I have access to this amazing studio, I have experience singing background. It's time to make a demo so venues can book me." It wasn't until Chris Rob ("An Old Soul"'s producer) and all the other musicians told me that what I was doing felt bigger, felt more important than a demo, that I even considered it. "An Old Soul" wasn't planned. It wasn't even something I thought I wanted yet. I wanted to perform first, cultivate a following, hone my style, get comfortable.

But no, there was NO TIME TO GET COMFORTABLE. After TWO YEARS of not singing at all (even background singing, because my ex-boyfriend discouraged it), I came back and was immediately recording an ALBUM. It felt like a runaway train. It felt like I'd lost control. Slowly, I began to think of singing not so much as me UNLEASHING something from within me, and more as me RELEASING the constant control I had over myself to let the music come out as it should.

Before I knew it, I was recording, I was mixing, I was working with graphic designers, I was getting mechanical licenses, I was pressing CDs, I was seeking publicists, and I was booking gigs. Myself a year ago would NEVER have believed I would take a last minute gig performing at the Fourth Arts Block Festival, OUTDOORS, for anyone to see, with nothing behind me but instrumentals. She would never have believed I'd be able to handle going from thinking I was doing a 15min set, to doing a 30min set on the fly. Kat last year would be SO intimidated by Kat THIS year, and I'm so amazed by that.

In other ways, I was thinking too big. My producer encouraged me to come up with attainable goals of where my music might take me. I THOUGHT I was thinking small in thinking that, by a year later, I'd be living solely off my music, I'd have a serious following, and I'd be thinking of touring, even overseas.

Unfortunately, I am NOT able to live off my music yet. At the moment, I have to think of my music as any other small business owner thinks of their new startup, and understand this a time for spending money, and not yet making money. I even keep in-depth records so I can take my proper tax deductions for my new endeavor. It is, unfortunately, still very expensive for me to perform. Thankfully, because of my day job, I can still do it. Also, because of my day job, I can make another album. Of course, I'll also need support from friends, family and fans via my upcoming Kickstarter campaign.

I also was thinking this cover album would get me more notoriety than it has. Don't get me wrong, it blows my mind to be doing phone interviews with Houston-based radio stations, and being put into soul mixes by UK DJs. Even my recent gig at Church in Boston was inspiring to me, that my reach was expanding. But I thought I'd be travelling to Philly and LA, home to TX and even abroad--all these lovely places where jazz and soul are sought after. But it is just a debut album. Just an introduction. Just a "look what I can do!" event. I still haven't paid the dues necessary to be selling out venues in Paris or even here in NYC. Hence the upcoming sophomore album, with original music.

And after the year I had, I'm both nervous and excited about the year ahead. It is NOTHING but uncertainty. Will I be living off my music alone after NEXT year? Will I be selling out venues then? Will my shows become profitable? Will strangers come up to me and thank me for the difference my music has made to them? With the changes in the music industry, can a person in my position still rise up?

These are the things I think about. And perhaps the biggest change is that, despite the uncertainty, I'm not scared. I'm EAGER.

Integrity or Insanity?

This is more of a personal post brought on by some recent conversations.

One of my father's mantras that I've adopted as my own is "Play Your Own Game". It means be yourself. Follow YOUR rules and not society's. Don't chase after OTHER's ideas of success and happiness but instead, find your OWN and go about achieving your success and happiness in a way that works for YOU.

I fully stand by this. I think it's a really eloquent way to say you should have integrity in your values and ideals, and not let external pressures make you deviate from what makes you YOU.

But lately, I've come to realize that my values in a particular area are not the norm. They're REALLY not the norm. I've yet to run into anyone outside of my immediate family that shares them. When I'm home visiting, that's no problem. "United, We Stand", and all that. We laugh at our jokes, enjoy similar activities, prioritize the same thing, and it makes everyone feel validated.

But "Divided, We Fall", and when I'm up in new territory, on my own, and I look around and people tell me I'm outdated to have the values I have, that I'm naive, that I'm inflexible to the changing times, that I'm CRAZY, I start to wonder if it's true. Yes, I try to play my own game, but people who play a SIMILAR game are few and far between.

So I'll pose the question: If you're the only person who thinks the way you do, are you "playing your own game" and displaying an integrity to be admired, or are you being inflexible to your surroundings and coming off as crazy to the predominant status quo?

Questions? Comments?

**On a professional note: I've just submitted to SXSW, the multimedia festival that was started in my hometown of Austin, TX and has blossomed into an international phenomenon! I'll keep you posted on whether I'm chosen. I'd love to return home to entertain my Texas fans as an artist! :)

Homage, Inspiration & Imitation

If you don't know (and I don't see how you couldn't, as I've mentioned it about a BILLION times), Jill Scott is one of my musical idols. I won't say she's my ONLY musical idol, because I have many, but she's definitely WAY up there at the top with Ella and Aretha. Gosh, wouldn't it be great one day to just have people say, "Kat" and EVERYONE ON THE PLANET knows who I am? LOL. That's a ways off.

But I digress. I put that pic up because Hidden Beach Recordings is using it as her album cover for her previously unreleased work. What struck me as amazing was its similarity to MY OWN debut album.

Notice the black and white.

Notice the cat eye glasses (from the angle in mine, they're less obvious, but I assure you, they're awesome cat eye glasses)

Notice the close-up shot.

Notice the closed eyes in contentment with the music.

And this wasn't done by accident. No, I didn't find this picture and recreate it, but I did look at a lot of pictures for jazz albums that I love from back in the day and try to capture the similar feel with my own album cover.

I noticed many were close up, many were in black and white, and many were in retro clothing. None of that was difficult for me, as I am, as the album title implies, "An Old Soul", and it wasn't surprising that to create the same feel, it involved using the vintage styles as I do myself.

Very few people know that, for the longest time, this album was going to be called, "Homage". It's cover songs, and it's my way of paying homage to the greats. My producer felt it didn't give enough insight into ME, and why I, IN PARTICULAR, chose these artists and these songs. So "An Old Soul" was the choice, to let listeners know they'd be hearing vintage music, that I was a young person into that, and that, as I continue to create music, you're going to hear that in my voice.

But I don't want it to be lost on anyone that I HIGHLY revere the artists of the past that I chose to cover. I highly revered them, and they are a great INSPIRATION to me, but with cover songs, you don't want to have people go away thinking, "Wow, she sang Aretha Franklin's song pretty well." I want them to go away thinking, "Wow, that's one of the best versions of 'Until You Come Back to Me' I've heard!"

So it's a fine line between paying homage, and finding inspiration in your musical idols, and flat-out imitating them. For artists like myself, interested in preserving some of the genres of the past going into the music of the future, this is the fine line we must walk.

Agree? Disagree? Have a favorite song on the album or example for your argument? Chime in! I'm trying to get my fans more involved. This, like music, should always be a CONVERSATION. :)

Pandora.com!!!!

Oh my goodness, everyone! After an extended runaround having to do with UPC codes and ASIN numbers, etc., my music is FINALLY able to be submitted to Pandora.com for possible streaming!!

You see, in order to do this, you had to have your music being sold in MP3 form AND physical form on Amazon.com. Now, my CD is being sold in MP3 form on Amazon, courtesy of Reverb Nation's distribution package, but I found out later that CD Baby was putting the physical CD up for sale on Amazon as well. The only issue? CD Baby didn't have the UPC listed, and without the UPC, Pandora wouldn't believe I had it being sold both ways on Amazon. Then CD Baby didn't want to add my UPC so I could submit it unless I did both hardcopy AND digital distribution through them.

Now, since I haven't yet received payment from my digital sales, I didn't want to switch distributors midstream and risk delaying payment further (oh, the plight of the independent artist!). So I stuck it out and looked for loopholes in the system.

One loophole was Jango.

Jango is the new kid in the streaming market. It's very similar to Pandora, only their rating system is a bit different and I don't think their algorithms for music you might like are quite as sophisticated as those used by Pandora.

BUT, what was AWESOME about Jango is that they were completely open to new artists submitting their work to Jango for possible airtime. In fact, you didn't have to be selling your music ANYWHERE yet. You could just be putting it on Jango to see if you got fans, etc. Jango made it easy to put your music up so people could then find your profile and become a fan. By the way, feel free to search "Kat Webb" on Jango and become a fan, if you haven't already. ;)

Their system was the very simple, "pay for play" method. You pay a certain amount and get a certain amount of plays, which you can target to an audience who might like you.

And that was great...but, for now at least, PANDORA is the leader in streaming internet radio. And I needed to get on there.

So the next loophole was going to ARTISTCENTRAL.AMAZON.COM and creating an artist profile for my Amazon store. If you visit Amazon and search Kat Webb, you'll find it. :)

You go there, claim an artist (I claimed myself), and complete a profile. Then I contacted them to let them know that I, the artist, wanted to add my UPC code.

Strangely enough, THAT was complicated too! Even though I owned the artist profile, they first had to link the physical CD being sold with the MP3, and then I had to fill out a form to add the extra info.

But still no UPC code! The MANDATORY UPC code that Pandora required STILL wasn't there.

One more email to Artist Central and FINALLY it's all there. I FINALLY can submit my music to Pandora, and I have.

Three things, though.

First, the title for the hardcopy is incorrect. They have it as "Old Soul", and it's really "An Old Soul". Being that my producer and I spent about an HOUR discussing this differentiation, lol, it's now crucial that the title be correct as I intended. So I submitted the request to have that corrected and that should happen in 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS.

Second, there's another artist by the name of Kat Webb on Amazon, and unfortunately for me, her music is not the kind of music with which I'd like to be associated. I won't make a value statement on it, but I will say it's not the content material that I strive for. So if you go to Amazon, just know that the only music by ME is contained in the album, "An Old Soul".

Third, I'm selling it through Amazon Advantage as well (ADVANTAGE.AMAZON.COM). This way I can more easily make changes to any hardcopy info because I'm one of the vendors.

So yeah, wish me luck, and I'll DEFINITELY let everyone know when my stuff is streaming on Pandora.com!

P.S. Thanks for all your well wishes but I did NOT get selected as Jill Scott's opening act. :( It stinks, but I think it's just a sign that if I come to work with Jill Scott (when I work with her), it'll be as an established artist and collaborator. ;)

Kat.

P.S. Meow.

Lightning Rod

Sometimes when I perform, it's like I'm being struck by lightning. I used to think it was nerves. And, on some level, it was. I was nervous about what was about to leave my body. Certain that it couldn't be contained and that it could only be expressed by my melodic voice, rather than any feeble words I could conjure. I feel this most in church.

As is often the case, I was called up in one of my churches to sing the selection following the offering. I'd assumed this would happen, since too many members of the choir were missing, and I'd missed the last few weeks, so probably would be put on the spot. Since I was expecting it, I'd already decided I would sing "Total Praise".

Sometimes I think "Total Praise" is overdone. It's the go-to song for choirs in a pinch, and I'd definitely performed it recently at a Brooklyn street festival. BUT, I'd never performed it as a solo piece, and hearing it as a solo piece is more rare, considering the Amen fugue at the end.

Anyway, I decided on "Total Praise" and I immediately got nervous. I don't know why. I've sung in church a million times. I'd performed in public three other times in the last week alone. But my hands were shaking. My stomach felt a bit queasy, and my knees felt a bit weak.

And then I was called up. I got up and I sang as if my life depended on it. I know musical performance is highly subjective, but I was not just good, I was GREAT. I even teared up a bit, something that rarely happens. It was as if I was having an out of body experience. Like I was possessed by the song.

Walking back to my seat, my hands were shaking. The pastor said she'd recently had dinner with Richard Smallwood himself and heard that song, so God must be telling her something.

But God was also telling ME something. All those times I felt nervous were not nerves. I'm Mrs. Prepared. I'm Mrs. Organized. I'm Mrs. Rehearsed. So that's not what it's been. It's been God speaking through me. I've often felt that my singing was a calling, and that, for many years, I was repressing it. Well now, it's coming out in full force, leaving my body from my mouth and leaving me zapped and shaking.

It's a powerful feeling, and I'm so happy that I can share it with those around. That's what it's for. It's for sharing.

Kismet.

It's no secret I LOVE Jill Scott. Like, LOOOOVE her. She's a renaissance woman (singing, writing, acting), she's classy, she expresses herself beyond measure, she's beautiful, and she's a ridiculously amazing singer that backs it up with training and serious chops. Yep, she's my musical idol.

I love Jill Scott so much that, after much delay, I finally went to check out Philly for The Roots Picnic and fell in love with Philly too. It was really a shame that I hadn't been since it's so close to NYC, but, if it's not clear, I'm a bit of a workaholic and just never took the time for even day trips for myself. Well, those days are long gone. I've gone to DC, home (for something OTHER than Christmas with the family), and to Philly. I've been TWICE now, since that's where I spent my fourth of July. Anyway, I fell in love with it. When I settle down (IF I settle down...), I think I might like it to be in Philly. It's still urban, it's close enough to the city, it has a great music scene (Jill Scott, The Roots, etc.), it's got a multicultural population which is always a plus, reliable public transit, it's inexpensive (compared to NYC), and it's just plain pretty.

But anyway, back to Jill Scott. Like her, I've had vocal training. Like her, I write (I haven't written in a while, but I'm a relatively accomplished screenwriter). Like her, I keep my hair natural. Like her, I'm drawn to the jazzier, soulful side of music. My frequent drummer, Rashad King, even knew (knows?) her once background vocalist, Vivian Green. And now I've entered in the Budweiser Opening Acts competition, to be her opening act.

So is it kismet? Will I soon and very soon get to work with my musical idol, if only to get fans (and myself) ready to see her? Golly jeepers, I hope so! :)

Back on the horse...

I've reopened my OKCupid account. I'm not sure why. I still cancel dates with the quickness. 

Also, I've recently cut off all my previous hookups. 

The personal trainer was a real dick. I hate to be so blunt, but it's accurate. So I'm done with him. He may not know it. And unlike previous times, I feel no need to announce it. I'm sure he'll get the gist when I stop answering his calls and texts. It's a shame because he supposedly had an industry contact, but hey, if you play games, you can play them with someone else. I'm being vicious about only hanging with people who treat me the way I want to be treated and bring something to the table.

The sax player is also out. He called to "hang out" and I told him I'm not doing that anymore. That I'm looking for something substantial. He said that was "cute", then had to go abruptly but said he'd call back. Of course he never did. I didn't expect him too. I teased him about this and he joked that he would, but he didn't. He also said he'd definitely see me before he left on tour, but he leaves tomorrow and I'm busy tonight and he never attempted to set anything up, so we're done. Stupid me was getting vibes from him at one point that he wanted more. Well, either he wanted more and scared himself out of it when I actually flat out said it, or he never wanted to and I was on crack the whole time. Either way, we're done. Again, I didn't announce it. And although I usually wish him luck on his tours the day he leaves, I wished him luck on Friday or Saturday and he leaves tomorrow. He said I was sweet and that's the last we've spoken. Again, he has professional tools that I'm hoping will be useful to me, but I'm done with that.

Mr. Trini is back. After being flat out disrespectful to me weeks ago, he's allowed back in. He knows the new rules. He knows it's chill. He knows I won't tolerate disrespect. And if he does it again, I'll cut him off again. The end.

There was a Q from CT that I met at a friend's party. We made out a bit. I was hoping it'd go somewhere until he (ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE MEN IN THE TRI-STATE AREA) said he wasn't looking for a relationship. So I said lets be friends. But he couldn't be. You can't be friends with men. They don't want to waste their time on you if they're not messing with you. It used to be you could, before there was sex. But now you can't.

So yeah, I'm not so much enjoying this new state of things, but I'm not bullshitting anymore either. You want to hook up? Find another chick. You want to flake out? Find another chick. You want to use and abuse me? Find another chick. If you'd like to respect me and get to know me, I'm available. And I'm open to relationships. Otherwise, I'm not open to you.

The end.

Summer Season!

So, it's summer. I LOVE summer. While everyone's dreading the heat, I revel in it. I'm a Texan, after all. I like to think my love for summer is why this will be my FOURTH summer in NYC without A/C, but I actually think it's time to put a stop to all that, LOL. This year will be the year for A/C! I said that after the scorcher last summer and I meant to buy it in Winter when it'd be cheap, but I was finishing "An Old Soul" and got caught up. Before I know it, it's JUNE and I'm breaking out the fans yet again, almost dying trying to do Tae Bo in my apartment. Long story short: I need A/C. It's on my urgent to-do list.

The album is out. I'm gigging. I'm doing big things. I'm making connections. I'm meeting people. If you want to know more, you really should just check out KatWebbMusic.com and read the many updates from yours truly. That's actually the reason for this delayed post. I feel like I'm talking about my "status" and my "likes" and how I feel every other profile page, and this one, which is supposed to be more in-depth, fell by the wayside. But really, awesome things are happening. Kat Webb, "An Old Soul", buy it. :) Please and thank you!

ON THE DATING FRONT:
I've gotten rid of my regulars. For real this time! I had been struggling for a while with what to do about them, since I know I no longer wanted to continue with casual sex but their desires in that area kept coming before my own desires to look for something more substantial. Anyway, I've learned this new way of handling problems, which is just to WAIT A WHILE. If the solution doesn't seem readily available, take a moment to breathe. Give it a week. Give it a month. If it's not endangering your life, just put it on the back burner. Then--surprise, surprise!--life takes care of it. I just had to learn what was urgent and what could wait. And then I waited and these stagnant, old people that needed to be flushed out of my life before I could meet someone new just faded away on their own. Schedules didn't line up, I went on vacation, everyone got too busy, and suddenly I was alone on Friday night.

Honestly, the alone part does suck. Who wants to be alone? Thats why the regulars were so appealing--because I had a guaranteed "date" any night I felt like it. They were all just a call or a text away. But it wasn't fulfilling. I felt empty. I was just marking time. And it got to the point where I couldn't even mark time with them while dating and trying to find "the one". I just had to stop everything completely. And I stopped worrying about it and it just happened, without the difficult convo or the tears. Everything just fell into place, or OUT of place, as it were.

And I'm alone. Yep. Alone alone alone. I feel like Jerry in "Jerry Maguire". That's how alone I am. Unlike Jerry, I'm going to work through it. I'm busy, I'm pretty, I'm pretty happy, and hopefully this dating situation will fall into place. Forcing it hasn't worked. Lets see what happens when I just stop giving a shit and keep doing what makes me happy (music). :)

Ten Steps Forward, Two Steps Back...

First, lets start with the BACK:

1.) My last few attempts to meet a guy for a serious romantic connection rather than a casual connection ended bitterly. And I was more than a bit bummed about it. It's why I didn't want to post for a while, actually, because I didn't want to bear the bad news.

2.) These attempts at a more serious relationship were so upsetting, mainly because they were with the type of guys I'm "SUPPOSED" to end up with. They were slightly older than I am, African-American, Ivy-League-educated, made comparable money, were comparably attractive, etc. And they were both very good kissers. Let them tell the story and I'm sure I'm the reason things didn't work out. But I'm almost positive things didn't work out because I refuse to play the passive-aggressive dating games NYC is famous for, and refuse to accept that they're somehow more of a commodity than I am, and therefore I should walk on eggshells for their love and approval. F THAT!

3.) I got so fed up with the dudes I was meeting and dealing with that I gave up internet dating (for all of TWO WEEKS, given that I'm already back on OKCupid), swore I'd never love again and that love was worthless, said I'd never deal with NYC dudes again and look outside NYC EXCLUSIVELY, etc. etc. I was angry and I was hurt and I was exhausted.

4.) AND, I was depressed. Unfortunately, depression runs in my family. I just take a bit more to get going and stay happy than most people. You wouldn't know it, because I'm all about keeping up appearances and I feel like singing and cooking and eating and hanging with friends are all coping mechanisms to ensure my happiness (and much more appealing than alternatives), but when I spend too much time in my head and alone and single and being a work-a-holic, things get to me and I get into a funk I can't shake.

NOW, for the FORWARD:

1.) The aforementioned funk ended recently. It was a bit more persistent than recent funks, but it finally is gone, so that's awesome.

2.) As I mentioned, I'm already back on OKC, and though I don't know how much faith I have in relationships, I am putting myself out there. And no, I didn't change my mind about NYC men. I still have ZERO interest in them, but will go out with them if they're attractive, fully aware it will go NOWHERE because I'm a nice person and they are SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED BUTT MONKEYS. LOL.

3.) I go back and forth between embracing my newfound romantic bitterness. It's a good thing sometimes, because you can't be too sensitive in this world and bitterness towards men helps protect you against them slightly. I understand I'll need to work on it, but in the meantime, I'm fine with my newfound toughness.

4.) Things are going WONDERFULLY in my music career.

• My publicist made a kick-ass bio and press release with pictures, and put a lot of great thought into a publicity strategy.
• I've got a steady stream of two gigs per munch through July.
• With the help of a Facebook ad, I've doubled my fans in a week.
• I'm meeting more an more musicians, and seeing who I'd like to work with more regularly.
• My gigs are going well and I'm getting tons of invaluable performance experience. Honestly, thinking on your feet can't be practiced.

So yes, all in all, I'd say things are going well. Seeing as it's just my personal life (and just the romantic portion, at that) that's experiencing a terrible slump (will it EVER end?!), I'd say things are going AWESOMELY.

Visit my Facebook fanpage (www.facebook.com/KatWebb1984) to check out my music, upcoming shows, and hopefully become a fan. And thanks for reading! :)

Eggs in a Basket

So, I am once again guilty of putting my eggs in a dude's basket too early. I met a guy, he seems nice, we get along great, he's a good kisser, he says he's on my page, he looks like Mr. Perfect on paper, yada yada yada.

Sounds great, right?

Not great. Because as soon as I start putting him in these terms, I'm fitting him for his wedding tux, at least subconsciously. I'm deciding whether this one is THE ONE, and I am repeatedly given a slap in the face by reality for my efforts.

You might wonder, "How can this be? Isn't it normal to wonder whether a guy you like could have staying power in your life?"

The answer is yes, it's normal. But don't go overboard. Don't stop meeting up with your "friends with benefits" thinking this guy is moments away from possibly considering that maybe he might one day casually describe you as his girlfriend. Sure, I'd love to meet a guy that knew more than just my anatomy, and that actually cared about me, but don't you feel like a schmuck when you cancel on your "friends with benefits" only to find out that the new guy in your life that you're hoping will want to give you a title is going to "try" to come to your first solo gig?

Yes. You do.

Try? TRY?! How 'bout don't bother? As much as I want every gig I do to be filled with bodies, I don't want it to be because I had to BEG or CONVINCE anyone to come. I want it to be because they're a genuine fan, they're curious, they enjoy jazz, or any number of other legitimate reasons. Not because I badgered them and they caved.

So the moral of that story is, don't put all your eggs in one basket until you're sure, and even if you feel sure after a few weeks, really, you SHOULDN'T feel sure until a few MONTHS has passed. Because that gives you enough time to realize whether or not you've gotten the completely wrong idea from him.

ON ANOTHER NOTE....

My first solo gig is tonight! YEA!!!!!! I'm not so much nervous about my own performance as I am nervous about it all coming together. These are new musicians, people I don't know that don't know me. They are amazing and I'm sure they'll do a great job, but given the breakneck pace of putting this gig together, this is a bit of an exercise of faith. But I'm going to have faith, and it's going to be GREAT!

Details:
Kat Webb@The National Underground
159 East Houston Street
Doors open @8:30pm, Show@9pm
Tickets are $11 at the door
30-40min set of jazz and old school R&B

Be there or be square.

Kat.

P.S. Meow.

Gigmaven

Revamp!

Hi All,

New things are happening!

1.) I waiver between three and five pounds of my goal weight! It's so awesome to have finally achieved that! I know it's not the end of the journey by any means, and pretty much plan to be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member to maintain my healthy weight and lifestyle. It's so easy to backslide into bad habits.

2.) I've finished my debut album, "An Old Soul"!!! I paid for the royalties of the hard copies that will arrive in a few weeks, have a fantastic CD design, have a gig this Friday, 4/8 in NYC (my first as a solo artist; details at my Facebook fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kat-Webb/115704781820865), digital distribution could begin in as little as a week, and I'll be signing with a producer for an eight-week campaign (to start) in a couple weeks! How can I NOT be excited.

3.) I plan to revamp this site a bit. With the weight loss goal conquered, I plan to devote it a lot more to my budding music career. That isn't to say that I won't include some personal musings from time to time, but hopefully they'll be related to my music and my career, much more that just using this blog as a public diary (that no one reads, LOL).

And on that note, some personal musings!:

No real improvement on the guy front.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've been on a few awesome dates and some of my regular "friends" have settled into a nice routine with me. Even "Mr. Trini" is back. No apology from him, but hey, that's who he is. Now that I no longer have feelings for him, I don't need one.

There IS a dude who has some promise. He's really nice, an Ivy-Leaguer like me, and incredibly fashionable. We seem to click. I don't want to rush things, and I don't want to get too excited if nothing comes of it, but I'm excited as I CAN be at such an early stage. I take his appearance as a sign that, if they aren't already, things in my romantic life could be looking up very soon. I REALLY appreciate that, as I was beginning to worry I was either going to get fame or love but not both. To be honest, I was starting to think fame would have to be enough. That's a TERRIBLE thing for an artist to have to come to terms with, LOL.

Anyway, as usual, I'll keep readers posted on that front too. Again, in less detail, but I'll let you know if there are any big things happening. :)

Check out music from Kat Webb

Done.

I've finally reached my max. There are plenty of people who enjoy dating and dealing with the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your sexual orientation), but I'm not one of them. Sure, my body enjoys the physical stimulation a man can bring me, but it is FAR outweighed by the drama and headaches a man can bring me. Seriously, I feel INSANE when I'm dating a man, and I am NOT crazy. I just might not be cut out for dealing with dudes in a romantic fashion, and that's perfectly OK.

On another note, I have taken back control of my music project. For a while, I felt like it was a little bit like a runaway train. I was chasing after it as it careened out of control. The small vision I had grew into something different, which is great, but it was actually turning into something I didn't want and becoming a negative instead of a positive. I doubted myself, I felt incompetent, and I am NOT musically incompetent. I am talented and I am driven and I am something special. I have NO doubt I'm going places and I am capable of doing it without letting someone else completely take the helm. It's my life, my career, and my choice. So I took it back, and feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted.

I'm relaxed in the studio. I feel like myself again. I LOOK FORWARD to what still has to be done to finish the album. I'm more than HALF WAY finished with it! No one is to blame for how slowly the project was coming along or for how it was going in a direction I didn't care for but me, because I was just wowed by someone else's vision, and allowed myself to forget my own.

DON'T EVER FORGET YOUR VISION!

That's the moral of the story. Don't check how someone else feels or what someone else thinks before you check with YOURSELF. And if you find you're not happy, TAKE ACTION. Stand up for what you think and good things will happen.

And that's just what happened. I'm amidst talks with a possible publicist, as I mentioned, I am over half done with the project itself, I've worked out a SWEET DEAL for the remainder of mixing/mastering/CD duplication with the studio, I've got someone working on my album art/cover. Honestly, having to do it on my own has reminded me that I CAN do it on my own, which means I'm COMPETENT and I'm SOMETHING SPECIAL. Man, had I forgotten that over the last few months. Even the best of us lose our way.

So, even though -13 people even READ this silly blog, I'll be posting news about my upcoming album as it happens. And it's all happening! :)

Oh! And I'm the smallest I've ever been as an adult. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I'm 154 lbs. 154!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell yeah!!!

Stay Strong

Mr. P.T. is still around, lurking. We don't get down, but we talk occasionally. Less and less as time passes. We hung out a lot that first week "apart" and he tried to get me to slip. I very nearly did. I was standing on the edge of a precipice and it would've felt so good to just dive in.

But then what? That horrible feeling when you realize you have to claw your way out of something you did to yourself. You know you're making the mistake when it happens too, but you think, "It feels so good, K. And it's only once. Are you REALLY disrespecting yourself if it's only once? You won't do it again. NEXT TIME you'll be strong. But this time, give in."

Well, screw you, masochistic voice in my head! I'm not going to dive in again. That horrible deja vu I got? I'm NEVER going to feel it again, at least not because of a mistake I KNOWINGLY made.

And, wouldn't you know it, the sax player texted me too! After weeks of silence, he, out of the blue, hopes I'm "having a good day". I'm having a lovely day. I'm having a lovely life. I'm not dealing with people who don't come correct and it's really freeing up a lot of mental and emotional energy.

The more time that passes, the better I feel about my decision. I'm respecting myself and sticking to I want instead of settling for what I can get. And when I'm doing it for the RIGHT reasons, I don't even feel as lonely as normal. That's a good thing. That's something you have to hold onto when the forces of negativity and disillusionment get you thinking that you're the crazy one, rather than the last one of ideals worth striving for.

So, I have to stay strong. And I will...

C'est La Vie

So, yesterday I ended it with the personal trainer. It was the most horrible feeling of deja vu to have put too much of myself into a casual relationship, developed feelings, and realized the dude could've cared less about me. It sucked. There's no other way to put it. And the deja vu came in because it was almost verbatim the same conversation I'd had with Trini when we ended it. And we ended it the same way, trying to keep it going with stops and starts until finally it was over. 

And Mr. P.T. was ALMOST as big of an asshole as Trini was too, although as soon as I felt those familiar feelings of rejection, I thought, "Why? This dude wasn't reciprocating your efforts anyway. Why are you crying over some dude that you fell for merely because you like being in a relationship and he allowed you to feel that way, but not enjoy any of its benefits?" So I turned the conversation to him and why he'd throw away such an awesome chick because he made an arbitrary decision some time ago to not be in a relationship. He said he'd been hurt before. I asked how long ago. He said years. YEARS? Really? I was pretty badly hurt when the love of my life (so far) and I decided to end it, but after eight months of partying, drinking, making new friends, graduating college and moving, I realized I was ready to try again. YEARS?

I said, "Dude. It's not like she stabbed you. Or stole your car. Or set your apartment on fire. Or slapped your mom. Sure, what happened sucked, but  billions of people (including myself) go through worse and we get back on that horse. Aren't you 32?"

"33", he said. 

33? 33 and STILL dwelling on some ish that happened YEARS ago, that wasn't even as bad as several people's stories that I know personally?

Wow. I mean, now I'm even less attracted to Mr. P.T., because he's not a hurting dude who's still getting over it. That ends in months, maybe a year tops, maybe a little more than that if you were together for like 10+ years. But YEARS? YEARS of wallowing in strangers' vaginas, not actually healing, not actually confronting anything? You're not getting over her. You're being a dick. And at 33, you should be ashamed.

So, whatever, we finished our conversation, and I felt much better realizing that his "coping mechanism" actually put him in the category of "self-pitying asshole taking his relationship misfortunes out on unsuspecting idealists/romantics", and which is in the bigger category of "guys I have ZERO INTEREST in dating." It was a relief. We talked. Like friends. He said we could stay friends. I said I didn't expect to hear from him until the Spring when I'd need training. He said, "no no no, it's not like that", and texted me today to prove a point.

Whatever. I got a new loctician and a personal trainer out of it. And by the time him or any of the other idiots that passed me up because they "weren't ready" realize they should've kept me, I'll either be happily single or happily coupled up.

Hmmm. Happily single. Lets explore that concept.

P.S. The musician that I had a really nice date with last weekend TOTALLY disappointed me this weekend. We'd had a casual thing whenever he was home from tour, but this time, when he got back, it was to a K that was looking for a relationship, and not into getting that feeling of deja vu rejection ever again. He manned up, and took me out, and respected the No Sex rule. But he never followed it up with any cute texts or phone calls, when I called him on it, he called me to say he DID have a great time and had just been super busy and sick, and did indeed want to take me out again. But then he SLEPT through the whole weekend, and made it perfectly clear that, even though he was going to take me out and date me, he was never available and may not have wanted anything from the date but the opportunity to hopefully have sex again. Oh well. He'll realize THAT'S not happening soon enough. ;)

P.P.S. Match.com, which I joined to keep my mother from thinking I was turning into a bitter old hag (which isn't true; I'm a bitter young lady), is full of scammers and crazy people. In other words, it's just like real life, which is the opposite of refreshing. Whatever. All these dudes are giving me a headache. They're good for nothing but talking dirty to when I have a free moment and, at most, making out. If they want to take me out, good for them. I'll give anyone I'm attracted to a shot. But if you don't come correct, I'll tune you out. It's time to get vicious here. I deserve better. What a novel idea that I actually REALIZE that now.

Skeletons in the Closet

They always seem to rear their heads in groups. People I've sworn off or forgotten come out of the woodwork in clusters, making me wonder if they're not cosmically linked with each other and me somehow. Otherwise, what could explain why two dudes I ended it with BOTH contacted me yesterday?

The first was the good musician. I thought, despite our little casual physical affair, that we were friends as well, only to find that he stopped speaking to me when I ended it. One friend said that perhaps he felt more than he was letting on for me, but I gave him every opportunity to try to make more with me and he shot down every one. Also, he gave me the same tired-ass speech all the dudes give when they want to "hit it and quit it": "I just got out of something really serious and I like spending time with you, but I'm not looking to get involved again any time soon."

Save it.

I'm not ready to get involved with any more dudes that use that wack-ass speech. Honestly, if ANOTHER person says to me that speech, or says "I've been hurt before, so I'm really careful with my heart", all OBVIOUSLY in an attempt to sleep with me without allowing me to expect anything from them (like COURTESY, RESPECT, or COMMITMENT), then I'm literally going to get up, walk away, delete their contact information and never speak to them again. You have to be ruthless with these guys, because they're under the impression it's acceptable to give these cop-out excuses because so many women accept them.

Anyway, enough of my rant. The musician hit me up. He said he was just checking on me. After weeks of silence he's "CHECKING ON ME". I was polite, cheerful, but I'm not going down that road with him again. And I'll probably always keep him at a distance because I know that I can't rely on this guy in the future if he bails when the sex stops. Sorry, but try again. I haven't valued myself enough in the past, but I'm getting over that problem REAL QUICK!

Second, the personal trainer dude hit me up. I was beginning to feel like a hotel/soup kitchen/bordello/halfway house for all these dudes, the personal trainer included. I felt like I was bringing so much to the table, and they weren't bringing anything back. I thought I enjoyed being generous and helping these dudes but my parents corrected me. "No, K, you don't like being generous. You like reciprocity. You don't want to just give and give and never receive. You want to be treated like you're treating these guys."

It's true. I'm extremely giving and caring, and my problem has always been that I choose the WRONG DUDES to give to and care for. My mom is convinced the right guy is out there--most likely because she wants grandchildren and she doesn't want me to become a bitter hag--but I'm not so sure anymore. It could be that I was given my one great love and my challenge now is to love myself and figure out how to make that enough. I'm working on it...

Anyway, I bluntly asked the guy if he planned on reciprocating all the great treatment I was giving him. True, it's not a "relationship", and we're just "hooking up", but I'm giving my all to this casual thing and I would appreciate the same thing, even if it doesn't include commitment. He blew me off. Said he was sleeping. At 7:30pm. So I let that go, knowing I was EXTREMELY pissed, and, after almost 72 hours had passed without another word from him, I let him know that he'd shown me his true character, that I knew what I needed to know, and that our time together was great but had reached an end.

He responded by leaving me an extremely disrespectful message, to which I also didn't respond. I know I'm not your girl, Mr. P.T. I know you're not committed to me. I know that you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. I know, I know, I know. I was merely asking if, since you're getting more from this casual relationships than just sex, perhaps I could too. But being blown off was a big, resounding, "NO!", and it hurt.

It shouldn't've hurt. I should be happy he let me know before I put any more effort in. But it did. It hurt because it was the last of the dudes I was dealing with that had ALL ended badly and that with ALL of them, despite my care and my awesomeness, NONE of them had developed any feelings for me and were able to summarily dismiss me and move on to some other chick.

Ugh. That hurt. Can't lie.

But then, yesterday, Mr. P.T. calls me. He doesn't text to resume contact, he calls. He says he wasn't blowing me off. That my text hit him at exactly the wrong time. That he really was sleeping (at the gym, between sessions), that things have been hectic, that he forgot his mom's 50th birthday, blah blah blah. He also said he'd call later. I got tired, fell asleep, and woke up to no missed calls. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, but maybe not after he realizes that I'm really not starting up with him again.

Friends is cool. Friends with the musician; friends with Mr. P.T. I could always use more friends. But I need some time alone. And when I'm done with my time alone, I need some quality guys that like me for more than just my physique and what's between my legs. It'll be a long, lonely road, but I'm not giving up my hard-won self-esteem and life lessons of the past year just to settle for dudes that will give me nothing more than an unsatisfying relationship. ANOTHER unsatisfying relationship.

Nope. I've reached my wits end. Good riddance to anyone who's not cool with that.

Down with Love

To be honest, I don't actually feel this way. Love (romantic love, to be precise) is great. My parents have it. Some of my friends have it. It seems pretty awesome. What I mean to say with the title is that I'm DONE with love. At least for now. I only include the "at least for now" caveat because things change and I've always been a mutable person but, at least for the foreseeable future, I am done with romantic/sexual interaction of any sort.

I came to this conclusion logically. After breaking it off with the last of my "Friends With Benefits" in what was, I thought, a very civil and neat manner, I received a nasty, angry voicemail from said FWB saying he wasn't even my man, that he was "trying to be nice", but that I was "acting up" and if I didn't want to see him anymore, "that's cool". Yep. It's cool. It's always cool. No romantic/sexual connection I've ever had has cared when they lost me except my first. I should start referring to him as my only, at this point. My only love. The only guy who ever cared. The only guy who ever fought for us.

I've been thinking of him more and more lately, most likely because I'm taking part in a probably less-than-healthy twitter conversation with him after years of semi-annual emails. I'm CERTAIN I'm romanticizing what was, in fact, a relationship that was doomed from the start. We were going different places. And I can't say that I regret the choice I made to continue my life the way I did, as it's led me to so many amazing things, any more than he would say he regrets his decision, because he's clearly happy with his life.

Which leads me to why I came to my decision. My life is awesome.

• I work at a job I love, that's creative and that pays well with a cool boss that appreciates me and doesn't overwork me. 
• I live in a very nice one-bedroom apartment that I can afford on my own, that has carpeting and that is always full of good meals that I can cook for myself. 
• I have tons of super trendy friends (WAY trendier/cooler than myself) that enjoy my company. 
• I am talented and am pursuing my talent with talented people that are at the top of their fields WORLDWIDE. 
• I've lost 82 pounds since my heaviest weight and am the healthiest I've ever been as a post-pubescent adult.

In short: I'm pretty fucking awesome.

So, where's the snag? What's the ONLY reason I call my friends/family tearful and miserable? What area of my life has caused the most pain and heartache? What area of my life do I seem never to have good news regarding?

It's simple: My love/sex life. My interactions with men (beyond the platonic/professional sense) just NEVER go well. There was a girl from Paraguay on the varsity wrestling team with me in school that said, "Men will be your downfall." I always chuckled inside when I thought about it, because she was a closet lesbian and crushing on me and I thought she was just trying to convince me of men's evil so I'd fall into the comfort of her arms.

But now I think she may have been cursing me. Every time I have to be calmed down from hysterics that my heart was broken again, I think of what she said and wonder.

Another alternative is that God specifically doesn't want me to have love. I mean, I can't get EVERYTHING I want, can I? I can't be Ivy-League educated, smart, successful, from a two-parent home of Ivy-League-educated parents that demonstrate ideal Black love, with all the blessings I listed above and ALSO get love, can I? Maybe that's only for people who are struggling.

Honestly, I wouldn't trade my success in any other area or any of my blessings for love. I will only accept love if it's IN ADDITION to all the other great things I have going for me, and perhaps that's why I don't have it. I can't have EVERYTHING. It's the human condition to struggle and my struggle must be that I cannot find romantic love, no matter how hard I try.

So I'm not trying. I'm also not NOT trying, as people say you should do. They say once you stop looking for it, it'll come. I don't want it even when it does come. All dealing with romance/sex seems to bring is negativity into my life and I'm finally saying "uncle". I'm giving up my masochistic search for love in favor or pursuing what DOES make me happy and what DOES fulfill me and what DOES reward/emphasize all the things that I think are great about me.

I told you I'd report back in two weeks about my romantic situation and there it is: I no longer wish to have one. I don't think that's bad news at all. I just think that's the life I choose to accept. There are other kinds of love that don't allude me and I will enjoy them to the fullest.

Vasilopita!! Opa!!

For those who don't know, Vasilopita is a Greek bread served on New Year's Day. I'll spare you the details (as I don't really know them), but it's always served on St. Basil's Day (January 1st), and it contains a coin hidden inside. Whoever gets the piece that contains the coin gets a year of good luck.

The King cake (pictured above) has the same lore attached. Inside, you can find a coin or a tiny baby figurine and receive good luck, and sometimes it means you'll have to bake/buy next year's cake.

Anyway, I NEVER win things like this! I've never guessed the right amount of candies in a jar. I've never won a raffle. I very rarely won bingo and never for any big prizes. Honestly, this was kind of a big deal. I hope it is as fortuitous as it claims to be. With the release of this album, my weight loss, my new relationship goals, ETC. ETC., I could use all the luck I can get this year. I'm really excited and this is a great omen! :)

Happy Birthday to Me!

So, I may not have mentioned this, but my birthday is December 15th. I just turned 26. The awesome thing about having a birthday near the end of the year is that the new year and all its amazing possibilities and its clean slate feels like one of your birthday presents. And isn't that an awesome present?

I could say things about my love life (or lack thereof), but I won't. It's tiring to even care. I told you I'd give it a few weeks and I will. My horoscope (I find myself getting back into them lately, perhaps because I'm becoming impatient with the future) said I have the best chance to meet the love of my life starting January 22nd and lasting for six months. Apparently, I haven't had a love boost this big since 1999. I didn't really feel it then (I was in 8th and 9th grade then, and my heaviest weight ever, dealing with significant depression, starting high school, etc.), but hey, here's hoping. I'd love to meet my true love. I am so very tired of dealing with settling for substitutes. Poor substitutes at that. There I go again. Let me not get into that. A few weeks. I'm sure everything will sort itself out.

That last line really is the truth. Despite my bouts of depression, the rough patches we all go through, my disappointments and setbacks and EVERYTHING, I have always felt I'd be OK. That I'd find a way. That I'd be successful and my dreams would come true and that everything I went through wasn't in vain. Honestly, I've won in situations where the odds were against me so many times, I don't think it's a fluke. I think I truly have favor. And you know what they say about favor...

**(If you don't, the expression is: "Favor ain't fair, but it's on me.")

Anyway, my producer and I had a talk. It was nice. He explained that he's super busy and it's not his loss of interest or lack of faith in my talents/abilities that lead to him completely ignoring me for long spans of time. That's comforting. If you don't know, artists are extremely sensitive. You'd have to live under a rock not to know, but it bears repeating. People see all the bravado, hear the talent, see the masterpieces, and don't understand exactly how personal, nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching presenting art to the world really is. Erykah Badu said it best: "Keep in mind I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive 'bout my shit."

We talked. We said we had to work on our communication. We said we had to work, PERIOD, and now things are back on track. I'm so glad that's the case. Nothing is worse than to be working on a project so personal and important to you with a person you're not sure agrees. Sure, you don't NEED support. Not TECHNICALLY. But everyone in the world WANTS support, encouragement, acknowledgement and praise.

Anyway, I feel OK. Other than a cold that won't let go of me, I feel fine. Everything is going to be OK. In better-than-OK news, I'm down to 158 lbs. If I'm 5'7", I've finally achieved a healthy BMI. If I'm 5'6", I still have 3 pounds to go. Either way, I think I look sexy as heck and the men in my life seem to agree. Again, not going there. Just sharing that, my body seems to be under control. And that is a huge part of how you feel about the world. :)

About the Album!!

All this lovey-dovey stuff has been giving me a bit of a headache. Even the positive change that's been going on has been overwhelming. I amid a transition, so I'm going to take a break from the constant updates and check back in a few weeks to see if there's any REAL news to report on the love/romance/healing front.

So, what other huge things are going on in my life right now? Well, as you HOPEFULLY have gleaned, I'm working on an album of classic covers. I'm trying to release it in the Spring. I'm not so sure if that's definitely going to be the case.

And, ever the impatient one, that was irritating me. Here's why:

1.) My producer was originally just an artist I hired for my session and was so inspired he decided he wanted to be my mentor/producer for the remainder of the project (and my music career, it seemed). NOW, however, he seems to be losing a bit of steam. Not creatively. He is a WEALTH of creative knowledge and resources that I am proud to be aligned with and completely blessed to work with. BUT, he's a working musician himself. He's got his own album that just came out, with his own shows to do, and his own music videos to shoot. And my eagerness to get this project done so I can GET OUT THERE as an artist appears to be wearing on him.

Also, although he offered his services as a mentor (and definitely HAS provided me with some awesome advice), I was treating him somewhat as my manager during this whole process, and because of the aforementioned responsibilities, he's just not able to be as hands-on and constantly-available as I'd like. I'm new at this, and I'm nervous and excited and amped beyond belief. And it's just a lot of energy to direct at someone who ALSO has his own stuff going on, no matter how much he wants to work with me. I worry he won't actually want to continue working with me after this project is done, at least not on any NEW projects. I could have just tired him out and that's got me a bit bummed.

2.) My producer is busy, and so are ALL THE OTHER MUSICIANS. I'm the only one who's NOT busy, because I haven't released this album, and that's another reason for my eagerness. I want to take four days to respond to a text, possibly NEVER respond to a phone call, and have to pencil someone in two weeks from Saturday to DISCUSS scheduling something else because I'm so busy with my music career. That's where all of the musicians I'm working with are. I'm INSANELY envious of them, and eager to get where they are. I want to put in the work. I'm totally willing to. But, dang, every delay is made worse by seeing people who are already where I want to be.

3.) This is much bigger than I anticipated. This "project" of mine started as a glorified demo, just meant to get me work around NYC and THEN work on a REAL album sometime in the future. I lucked out and found great musicians who wanted to turn my "project" into a bona fide ALBUM, but that means it's costing more money, taking more time (see above), and including way more things I hadn't planned on tackling right now. Like paying for royalties. And getting a website. And taking publicity pictures. And meeting with a lawyer. And possibly submitting this to labels. And researching which labels would even WANT to hear my stuff. And trying to garner fans. And picking a release date. And building a fan place. AND AND AND.... Even ATTEMPTING to think about the big picture makes me a little nauseous and it feels so far away and I'm a bit down about that.

But hey, LIFE INTERVENED. My "project" turned into an ALBUM and that is AWESOME, and YES, that does mean more time and stress, but it also means more IMPACT, more chance of NOTORIETY, more general PROGRESS in my music career than I'd even anticipated at the start.

And so here's what I'm doing to overcome my few frustrations with the project:

1.) Stop treating my producer like my manager. He doesn't need to be consulted for every, little decision I make and he doesn't, if he's really honest with me, WANT to be consulted about the non-musical stuff. Sure, he cares about my album and he's made it abundantly clear he's going to stick with me to the end. But it's not his job to entertain my idle mind. It's not his job and he doesn't have the inclination or ABILITY to walk me through this like a baby. I have to find a way to deal with my own frustration, I have to find a way to keep myself busy and still focused. So I took charge as of 2011 and decided I'd get back to my roots of singing background. True, it's not gigging as a solo artist, but that's coming. And in the meantime, I need some "busy work" to keep me from going insane. So work work work is what I'll do.

2.) Meditate.Nothing like a few "woosah"s to get me to be a bit more zen about something.

The rough mix for the project isn't ready Tuesday, but SATURDAY? So what? What's a few days in the long run?

Your musician friends aren't asking you to sing on their projects? So what? You should be making a name for YOURSELF, not relying on ANYONE ELSE'S name.

It's going to take FOUR overdub sessions instead of ONE to take care of all the extra instrumental changes to the songs? So what? It'll all be worth it in the end.

My album is going to be ELEVEN songs instead of TEN? No. TWELVE songs instead of ELEVEN? No...So what? However many songs, it'll be awesome.

You just have to take a moment to see the beauty in the constant change.

So yes, my album is coming along. Yes, there's BOATLOADS to still be done. Yes, I'm excited about it (so excited I'm going a little crazy). But it will be done when it's done and it'll be awesome and worth the wait. As my mother said, "You only make your first album once." Thank goodness. Doing this again might KILL me, lol.

Speaking of Which!

It's me. Again. Two posts in a day is quite unusual but I'm in learning mode and I'm loving it. Don't get used to it. The CD is coming along nicely and I'm sure I'll have no time two post soon (I hope!). Get it while supplies last. ;)

Anyway, I mentioned in my other post for today that my most recent hookup gave me advice. Well, my TWO most recent hookups did, but I'm only speaking of one. The one who told me not to rush with this new man.

Last night, he is responsible for a major life moment to me. We'd recently decided that we shouldn't continue hooking up, because although he said he felt more when we were intimate, he really only meant a strong PHYSICAL connection and wasn't even CLOSE (I asked, believe me) to being ready to settle down. He'd said he wasn't being fair to me and I was an amazing woman ("wifey material"), that should find a man who really wanted me fully, who could be there for me fully. And as much as he liked our sexual connection (and I did too), the fact that he inadvertently sent me mixed messages that led to me beginning to develop feelings meant things might get crazy later on (like they did with "Trini"), and he didn't want that to happen, so we should just be friends.

I begrudgingly agreed. I'd wanted to see him when I returned from the holidays and he'd wanted to see me, partly because I missed him, partly to make up from a small disagreement, and partly because we missed each other PHYSICALLY, but his grandmother had died that night and various other things had prevented us from linking up.

Call it fate.

Anyway, despite us deciding we should continue as friends, he needed to talk last night. I thought it was a ruse and that he was just trying to get one last hoorah before we called it quits physically. He came over and we talked and chilled and it was nice, but it was also sweet and there was an intimacy there and a softness to him that spoke to me. And I thought, "Hey, let me do something nice for him. I'm not going to go crazy RIGHT THIS MINUTE. How about I offer the sex to cheer him up during his time of grief and THEN we call it quits physically."

I offered, and he, a bit grudgingly, agreed. He was definitely still attracted to me, he said, but he didn't come over for that. I said I know. I know he's a sweet guy. I know he's actually awesome. But I just wanted him to let me do that for him.

So we started to fool around and it was nice but when it came down to REALLY getting started (please don't let my mom be reading this), he couldn't go through with it. When he admitted (and apologized to me) that he shouldn't have said he was developing feelings, he really felt bad. Felt I deserved more. Felt he was doing me wrong. REALLY. And although he desperately did want to be physical with me last night (and I did too, and I was OFFERING), he couldn't do that to me. He likened it to a recent conversation with his father, and his last decent conversation with his late grandmother. He said he hadn't felt this way, hadn't felt so convicted since he last was growing in his relationship with God.

It was awe-inspiring. Literally.

We got dressed. Talked some more. And I said we could be friends. REALLY. He had a journey of self-discovery ahead of him (and made me realize I might want to try one too), and I wanted to support him on it as a friend. I also, and this was humbling, want him to come out the other side of his journey and realize he wants to be with me.

REALLY.

No man has ever shown me that level of respect. I've heard men can change but I've never witnessed it and it was powerful and amazing and I really felt like God was present. Like he was present and changing him and also changing me as a witness. I want him to learn and heal and I want to learn and heal too. And then, seriously, I want to see if I'm the woman he chooses. Because that, no bullshit, is the kind of real man I want. That, perhaps, is the first REAL MAN I've seen outside of my father. And that's what I want.

I plan to live my life, and I don't plan on getting too gushy with him over it (although I did tell him what happened affected me), and I DEFINITELY don't plan on forcing myself on him or impeding his journey in any way, but damn, I just saw a man become a new man and that's the kind of man I want. That's real. I know it exists now. So I can relax and stop worrying I'll never find it. Even if we don't end up together, I know it can happen.

It's REAL. God is real. Begin the journey...

No time to heal...

I mentioned my bad run of romantic luck yesterday, so y'all are all abreast. It was amazing how strong the epiphany was when my mom informed me that perhaps I was just hurting from all the rejection. A novel idea. Something I hadn't really thought of, even though it was obvious. And she was right. I always cover all my hurt with everything from legitimate projects to white-noise-distractions, and perhaps it's time to slow down and take a look at things. Take a look at me. No, there's nothing WRONG with me, but perhaps I could do with a little me time. A little time to heal before jumping right back on that horse.

I took that time after ending things with my first love because it was necessary. I had no choice. The blow was as strong as I've heard people describe losing a family member. The relationship, like a family member that passes, was completely lost and the grief was real. I took some time, started partying, started drinking harder, started jogging, and eventually, started dating again.

The next guy I legitimately dated after him? Not so hot. He ended up being an abusive alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he is a closeted gay man who's repressed feelings come violently to the surface when he gets blackout drunk. When things didn't work out with him, I had two reactions.

ONE: Stay home alone, afraid, unable to open up to another man again.
TWO: Go out like nothing happened, date, be merry, make love, not war, etc.

I chose option TWO over option ONE because I thought option ONE was letting him win. If I stayed home and wallowed and obsessed over how horrible the situation was, I thought I was giving him more power than he already tried to exert during his abuse. So I IMMEDIATELY started dating someone from Match.com, followed by someone from BlackPlanet.com, then someone from eHarmony.com, etc. etc.

Honestly, I've continued that pattern of not allowing myself time to heal to this day. I got out of that horrible and horribly long relationship and immediately decided casual sex was the answer. I had a string of them, all ultimately unsatisfying and none leading to anything more than a tearful conversation on the phone with family and/or friends. My mother said I was to blame for allowing myself to be a victim and she was right, because I was putting myself in a situation I knew would be unsatisfying for me. That's why I hadn't been in casual relationships before that point. As my most recent casual relationship pointed out to me, I'm not built for it.

But when my mother said perhaps I was not really angry with the various guys or guys in general, but that I, K, was HURT, it hit me. I AM hurt. I thought "taking time to heal" was for losers. All I needed to do was take a weekend to myself to brain storm and get back in the ring, right? WRONG. Without realizing it, by not confronting all the hurts I'd sustained since moving to NYC (and dating, in general), I was compounding each scenario so that each time I got hurt, I felt the FULL WEIGHT of ALL THE HURTS I'd ever sustained. They were all simmering just beneath the surface.

I say "were", but they "are". Sure, I didn't want the alcoholic to win. I didn't want to think that he'd damaged me irreparably. I actually refuse to believe that anyone is damaged IRREPARABLY. We can all heal. We can all change. We can all snap out of it.

But he did damage me. I thought I was being healthy, moving on with the quickness, but it was just a coping mechanism, a form of denial that has FINALLY caught up with me. It's time to deal with it. It's time to HEAL.

So yeah, there's a young man trying to date me. And yes, my friend that he originally pursued has given me her blessing should something happen between us. But I'm actually taking the advice of two of my most recent hookups.

ONE: Meditate. Take a moment. Take some quiet time. Ditch the white noise and try some silence and solitude.
TWO: Take your time. Don't rush with this dude. He may be the one. He may not. You DON'T KNOW. Take your TIME to find out.