Let Go...

My father has always been there for me. Always available in my time of need. Always has the right thing to say. It's why I'm so protective of him, why only one boyfriend I've had has met him and why only two have even spoken to him. He's a great guy to have in your life and in your corner.

Recently, a lot of men that wanted my attention are now becoming hard to get a hold of. I'm feeling myself text too much, call too much, even think too much about these guys that, SUDDENLY, aren't doing the same for me. My texts are getting longer, and theirs are getting shorter.

When this happens, the first thing I do is call a spade a spade. I let them know I've noticed, ask them if it's intentional, and, if there's no reasonable explanation, wait for the situation to be rectified.

Now if there's no reason for the sudden sporadic nature of our communication, and the new condition isn't corrected, then I let them go on their merry way.

Gone are the days where I would blow up their phone until they called back. Or I'd text five times to their one time. Or I'd wonder what they were doing while I was trying to focus. If they're not thinking about me or contacting me and I've made them aware and they still don't care, then I MOVE ON.

You should NEVER have to remind someone to think about you, to consider you, to be there for you, to REMEMBER you! YOU ARE MEMORABLE! YOU ARE IMPORTANT! And do you REALLY want to keep dealing with someone who is making you feel otherwise? NO, YOU DON'T! So...DON'T.

Someday (soon, I hope), I'll skip the step where I give them a chance to correct it and just bounce as soon as they start acting funny. Honestly, I am and always have been TOO NICE for my own good when it comes to guys, especially those in a large city with plenty of options.

Sure, there's a reason for their new behavior. And do you really want to know if the reason is just that they've LOST INTEREST? No, you DON'T! So chalk it up to being THEIR LOSS, and keep your eye out for someone that's INTERESTED. INTERESTED and AVAILABLE. Because, like one of the tracks on my upcoming debut album, it's "ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL".

"And don't you say you're sorry 'cause you're not..."

I blogged recently about someone I'd had a strong interest in and how we'd finally consummated our attraction. Well, to be more accurate, I consummated my attraction while HE used me to lick the wounds of his recent breakup. It was cold, emotionless, a total letdown, an unbelievable disappointment, and since we've acted as if nothing has happened.

And isn't it better that way? Isn't it better to salvage whatever we can of the relationship rather than allow it to get blown to smithereens by his inconsiderate actions? I suppose so. But every day the hurt he caused goes unacknowledged, every day I think about how what he did devalues a friendship that I thought we had, makes me more and more angry.

I need to let it go. I need to let the disappointment and the hurt and everything go. I need to let HIM go. And just breathe and move on...

Ulterior Motives

I'm not so sure I'm not in this thing by myself. "This thing" being THE WORLD. True, I do have my tight-knit family to lean on, and that definitely means I'm not "by myself", but everyone is looking to expand their circle of people they can trust, and I don't know how effective I've been at that particular task.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to imply that I think the whole world is out to get me. I don't. I'm doing just fine and I feel like I'll continue to flourish. What I mean is, they don't REALLY have my back. Oh sure, they have it to the extent that having it means THEY are benefited. It's a symbiotic relationship, rather than altruistic. I supposed, after taking "The Sexual Evolution of Human Behavior" at Yale, I'm being naive to expect altruism in the real world, but I do.

I like to think that I'm fairly altruistic, as the only thing I expect in return for my good deeds is equal treatment. But alas, that seems impossible. And finding a genuine person who's not just hanging onto you to get where THEY need to go is even harder. Are we really friends? Or are we nothing more than acquaintances and/or business partners who've decided to share personal information about ourselves for the sake of "appearances"?

Well, no need to do that with me. If you're not really someone I can count on, not someone I can call in a pinch, not someone I can confide in and who will confide in me (ACTUALLY confide too, not just to get information from me), then lets drop the pretense. I'll still be cordial. I'll still be professional. I'll still be my usual charming self. I just won't let you inside where you can muck up my thoughts and feelings. That's a no-no.

So who are you? A wolf in sheep's clothing, or a real sheep? I'd prefer a real wolf to a fake sheep...

Reset

The above is the title to perhaps my favorite Outkast song. Outkast and I have a very special relationship, as for four months starting in 2006, they were all I could listen to. Listening to them now brings me back to that time instantly. But honestly, even without listening to "Reset", I know that's exactly what I need.

Honestly, all this guy stuff is just getting to be a pain. All these mixed messages are really bringing me down. My father says there are no mixed messages. A man either says yes or no and if you can't tell, he's saying no. Well, if that's the case, a lot of men are saying no to me lately and it's bugging me because I'm the kind of girl men should say yes to. I'm not being egotistical either. When I go to the dating sites and the message boards and read the men's magazines, they all describe a woman that's like me, and I wonder, "Well, why aren't I finding any of these men who want me? They seem to be everywhere but where I am, apparently."

So I've decided to take a reset. A return to my home in Austin, to my family, to my friends from elementary school, to the place that's me, that gets me, that will always want me, no matter how much of a "city girl" I become. It's the holidays, and I've already told y'all it's a hard time for me, regardless of having family and friends to talk to on the phone. No, by holiday time, I need a major dose of them, up close and personal. That's what gets me through the rest of the year in this crazy NYC. Because I may be a reformed Southern gal, but I'll always be country in my heart.

"Come Back to Your First Love..."

These are the words to the refrain of the Kirk Franklin song, "First Love", which I had on repeat the summer following my breakup with my first love. The song was talking about God, because he's the first one to love you, but it felt like it was speaking directly to me and my situation and I, of course, ended up coming back to my first love when the semester started in September of that year. 

Though the relationship ended for good the day after Thanksgiving of the same year, I still think about him. Especially during the holidays. I spent two great Thanksgivings with he and his family (he's the only boyfriend I ever spent the holidays with), our birthdays are one day apart (I'm 12/15 and he's 12/16), and starting immediately after our breakup, he never fails to wish me a happy birthday, and a merry Christmas. We don't speak on AIM anymore (we met on BlackPlanet.com and spoke on AIM for a while before meeting, so it seems dangerous to start up again on AIM), we don't call, we rarely email (beyond the occasional check-ins about life, jobs, etc.), but we NEVER forget birthdays or Christmas. It's our thing.

And this year, more than ever, I've been thinking of him. Why? Because although he's my first love, he also happens to be my ONLY love to date. Man, it took me months to want until I could date again (8 months, to be precise), and a little more before I didn't get emotional remembering our times together. And I know he felt the same way. Maybe he didn't take as long to seek the refuge in another woman, but his check-ins, I realized, always coincided with right after he'd broken up with someone, and I was the same way. Always circling back to that one time I found someone who truly loved me and wondering if it didn't make more sense to go back than to keep hitting a brick wall with the guys I'm meeting now.

When I was crying my eyes out over our breakup (and getting into running, and cutting off all my hair, and partying and drinking more than ever before), everyone said, "Don't worry. He's just your first love. You'll have many more. Everyone thinks their first love is it, and it rarely ever is." I'm 26. He and I started talking when I had just turned 20. We discussed marriage. We discussed kids. We wanted it to work forever. And four years after our breakup, no one has even come close to comparing. What if that WAS it?

"If it was easy, everyone would do it."

While searching for the above picture, I found that even pets get the "winter blues": those emotional doldrums that sap the joy out of the holiday season should you not be lucky enough to be coupled up in a fairy tale relationship, or home with your family when all the relationship BS doesn't matter. Luckily for me, I ALWAYS see my family on Christmas. Rarely do I get to visit them on Thanksgiving as well, since it's so close time-wise and the flight to Austin is RIDICULOUS ($900, at the cheapest). This time of year is still hard for me, however, for several reasons.

First, I grew up in the sun belt. Austin, TX. Temperatures range from 30 to 115, and when it's 30, there may be ice, but there's not snow and there's hardly any wind. I've had New Years' celebrations driving around in pickup trucks with the windows down, in a t-shirt, and I was SWEATING. So yeah, you don't have to go abroad to go somewhere warm for the holidays. That being said, I currently live in the dark, depressing, sun-deprived world that is New York City. Comic book fans like to brag about knowing "Gotham" in the "Batman" enterprise is NYC, but it's obvious, as there's never any light in either. With my background, therefore, being in NYC when it's at it's darkest, coldest, wettest and most depressing brings on a rough case of S.A.D.

Second, I didn't get to go home for Thanksgiving. Even though I know it's not practical to go in late November and again in mid December to the same place for the amount of money it costs and the effort it takes, I still am incredibly homesick by the time Thanksgiving comes around. Almost a year's worth of crap has built up and I need to get it off my chest to the people who care for me, to recharge. And all the people up here get to go home and see their families while I'm stuck trying to convince friends/boyfriends/acquaintances to let me cook Thanksgiving for them, or to let me tag along to THEIR Thanksgiving tradition. It's rough.

And third and most-importantly, every time I see my family, I'm breaking up with someone. I noticed this trend in college, when I broke up with my first love. It was right after Thanksgiving and I was so relieved that I had home to look forward to in a few weeks. I see my parents twice a year--once in the Spring-Summer months (at a location outside of Texas), and once at home in Texas, at Christmas. And right before I'm meeting them either time, I'm always cutting either a bunch of people or one very important person out of my life.

This year, right before I saw them in July, I ended a horribly abusive relationship of 18 months shortly before. Now, a little over a week before I get to see them, I've cut out all the casual partners in my life (one of which I grew to deeply care for), and decided to forgo any partners that aren't interested in all of me; the real me. And even the casual partners I didn't particularly care for take a toll when they're gone, as they were at least someone THERE. Sure, for the wrong reasons, but they were there. They wanted you, if only for your body or your money. And now you're alone, in the most depressing months of the year, all by yourself in your apartment.

Add to that the stress from working on my album (both good and bad), and I'm in desperate need of a recharge.

But I asked my family about this peculiar trend. Why did I always break up with someone right before seeing them? Their answer was simple and groundbreaking:

"K, you know we can see through the BS. You know you don't want to be coming home to us in a BS situation, trying to convince us it's real when we know it's not."

And it's true. I get rid of ANYTHING that won't stand up to a rigorous family discussion (and we talk rigorously often) before seeing them, because I hate lying. I hate BS-ing. Last Christmas I was BS-ing them about the abusive relationship, and it killed me to be able to recharge and heal in every way but one, because I was keeping the truth from them. I can lie to myself, to my coworkers, to my friends, to strangers, but I can't lie to my family, at least not for long.

So yes, I'm quite lonely, and I'm full of inner emotional turmoil. More than ever, I need their calming presence. I need to be somewhere where people will listen to what I have to say and I won't have to blog to let it out. I need to be somewhere with friends that say come as you are, be it in Converses or cowboy boots, and I don't have to put on panty hose or stilettos. It's my center; my sanctuary.

Happy Holidays!

Strange Days...

Yeah, I'm here again. This blog is proving to be cathartic for me, but hopefully it's entertaining to some and perhaps even enlightening to a few.

So, I had a great session last night! My producer/keys player came and we worked for 5.5 hours making my album that much closer to being radio-friendly, marketable, grown-and-sexy (although I hate such a snobby term), and, ultimately, profitable. It was really impressive to watch each song transform before my ears.

After the session, we had planned to go over my press/album pictures, but keyboard, synthesizer, portable pedal AND notebook computer might've been a bit much, so we opted to do it another day. There's no rush anyway, as my pictures wouldn't've been ready by the new year regardless, and two days won't hurt it. I'm trying to be a lot more zen about this project then I was previously, trying not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the process, even when it moves more slowly than I would hope. Honestly, yes, if it were just me, I would've been done months ago. But it isn't just me, and every additional person has done nothing but enrich and enhance the project. Basically, they're more than worth the delays and the cost (which spread over months, isn't TOO bad). Anyway, my producer also had a bunch of parties to hit up (after all, he is very chic and it was THURSDAY, LOL).

So afterwards, I got home, but I wasn't really ready to be home, you know? I was keyed up from the session going so well and, even though I had to wake up early for work the next day, I was in the mood to stay up and out all night.

BUT, it was RIDICULOUSLY frigid outside. Once I got home, I lost my buzz to go out. I was all set to give up and change into my pajamas when I got the urge to call a friend of mine, who's becoming a real facet in my life and a fairly dependable shoulder in time of need. I called, we talked, and he too was feeling a bit "haunted". So, rather than stay home and sulk over having no plans, or freeze our butts off trying to get to some party some place that would probably be finishing up as soon as we got there, we opted to be haunted together. I brought my work clothes, picked up some munchies, hopped in a cab, and before you know it, I was on his doorstep.

And then the weirdest thing happened...We hooked up.

I say it was weird because, well, it was. I don't know what other way to describe it. I showed up to watch premium cable, laugh, eat and talk, but slowly it transformed into something else. First, we were watching tv in the living room, drinking wine, and then we were watching a DVD in his room. Then, the lights were on and we were laughing, and next the lights were off and he was asking for a massage. Finally, he turned from the DVD to some sensual music, and ultimately the massage turned to something more.

Honestly, I hadn't expected it at all. Sure, I was crushing on this person, but I figured if we ever ended up in that situation, it would be because he'd approached me, clearly stating he wanted to turn our platonic relationship to a more intimate one, and then things would grow from there. It would NOT have been a matter of "one thing leading to another" at 2:30am. Who really believes that "one thing leads to another" bit anyway? It implies you were helpless to stop a set of events that, by most definitely required your participate. If "one thing led to another", it's always because you led it there.

Afterwards, the emotions were just as weird as the situation. To be cautious, I had asked before anything went down what exactly was happening. Was this just a "casual" thing, or was this the culmination of mutual attraction (I hope? Please? Pretty please?)? Welp, it was just a hookup. And part of me almost backed out right then. I don't want to DO casual. He KNEW that! What was I DOING there?

He didn't know. He didn't have any answers. As he said fairly frequently throughout the encounter, he hadn't expected this to happen. He hadn't known he wanted to do this. He hadn't invited me over with these intentions. Blah blah blah. Based on where his head is at lately, I'm inclined to believe him, but it certainly isn't very flattering. You don't want to finally be invited over to your crush's place to get physical, only to find out they just did it on a spur-of-the-moment level, a "casual" level. And even worse, you don't want to hear them repeat, INCESSANTLY: "Wow....wow...um....WOW....I just....Hmmm....I had no idea that would happen. I can't believe that just happened...Wow...wow...I'm shocked. I'm just...wow. I wasn't expecting this, etc." Seriously, he said almost exactly that for about twenty minutes after our rendezvous and it's definitely a blow to a woman's pride.

I mean, hey, you caught me off guard! I didn't want to do casual, but I had a crush on you (which you knew), so I tried to adapt to the situation. I tried to keep it light. Not do what I would really have done. No kissing. No cuddling. No laughing. No CONNECTION. And it was then I realized that, worse than a hookup, I was just some kinda of coping mechanism for the aforementioned troubled time he's going through. I was a band-aid, or a teddy bear, or a hit of heroin.

And that just solidified everything for me. Casual is out, no exceptions, no fine print, no hidden clauses. It was then that I called the musician and told him that, although he had been looking forward to "hanging" with me upon his return to America, that I just couldn't do it anymore. And I literally JUST texted my main "arrangement" that I couldn't continue as well. Neither has responded. And I suppose it's just as well. Because if it was never real, is there a point to a goodbye?

What a Difference a Day Makes!

How funny that I should post for the first time in months and then feel the need to post again, the very next day. I suppose it's cathartic.

Big developments with Trini. As it happens, it's hard to have friends of the opposite sex. "When Harry Met Sally" had it right.

As a result of that fact, I don't have many (straight) male friends). This is normally fine as, for the first time, I have a nice little crew of female friends. Unfortunately, some issues are best asked to a male audience than a female one.

Case in point: I wasn't sure if one of the remaining casual dude I entertained from time to time was catching feelings or not. I thought he might be and I was concerned. If he wasn't, then I was going to eventually be "too busy" and our "relationship" would come to an end. If he was, then I would entertain the idea of getting to know him better. And, since this is exactly the same problem I had with Trini, and because of the aforementioned lack of male friends, I thought he would be a good person to ask.

True, he was helpful in that regard, but the conversation drudged up all the old drama between us, culminating with him shouting at me and making it abundantly clear that he didn't feel anything for me, he never would, and he was incapable of ever doing so. I was nothing but a source of frustration to him. Blah blah blah. He yelled, I cried, and it's clear we'll never speak again.

So yeah, that was pretty tough.

To feel worthwhile again, I needed to talk to someone who liked my company, whether physical or otherwise. I tried a musician friend of mine; no answer. I tried the remaining casual "friend"; no answer. Then I tried my producer. It may be a cliche, but I have a huge schoolgirl crush on him and he has helped me with personal issues in the past.

And wouldn't you know it, he was free. He calmed me down, cheered me up, and I felt like a person once more. I know I always was, but hey, it's nice to get confirmation. That conversation, on top of the many other chats we've had, further solidified our friendship (and made my schoolgirl crush even more hopeless, lol). A good laugh will cure a good cry any day. ;)

Living Life

So! I've been busy!

1.) I've been baking up a storm. Now that it's winter and my non-air-conditioned apartment won't turn into a death trap if I bake, I've been taking full advantage. So far, I've baked red velvet cake, chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, banana bread, carrot cake, sweet potato pie, and lemon cornmeal shortbread.

2.) I've been working on my album. I've chosen which of the fifteen recorded songs will be on the album, chosen the album title, done horn overdubs (and this Thursday, there will be key overdubs), and taken pictures for press and the album cover. Honestly, I'm super-psyched. Yes, I wanted to be done with all the recording/overdubbing by the end of 2010 so that it would just be mixing/mastering/logistics for 2011, but things didn't work out that way. C'est la vies. Getting musicians together (or anyone for that matter) to work in December is like herding cats.

3.) I've given up casual dating. It's not for me. I mean, I may partake occasionally when times get rough, but I'm not seeking any NEW partners and I'm steadily weening off any old partners. "What prompted this revelation?" you ask. Well, several things:

First, I caught feelings again for Trini. I was so SURE he was catching feelings too this time. No dice. I  tried to supress them, but I couldn't, and then I realized, I didn't want to. I deserved to be feeling  something for someone who was also feeling me, and if that wasn't him, then I should move on.  Easier said than done, I know. We still keep minimal contact and flirt a bit, but each time it's clear he  just wants to restart the physical and continue ignoring the emotional. I'm done with that, so we're done  on that level. Who knows what the future holds, but, barring a big rom-com re-enactment of him  running to the airport to catch me before I move to Bangladesh or stopping my wedding to someone  else, we won't be rekindling our romance any time soon.

Second, no dudes wanted to date me. Sure, they wanted the physical, but for some reason, they didn't want anything beyond that. I feel like I'm much more than that, though, and I feel like it's obvious to everyone. I also think my many gifts shouldn't be wasted on anyone who can't see that. Sure, it sucks  that no one wants more, but I am willing to wait for someone (ANYONE) to wake up and realize I'm worth  more. This physical stuff is just hollow otherwise.

So yeah, that was just an internal realization. I figured I probably wasn't a casual type girl, but I figured some experimentation wouldn't be a bad thing and it wasn't. I learned a lot about myself and met some cool people, some of whom are still in my life, in different capacities.

4.) I got a new job! Yay! I don't know if I mentioned how much I hated working for the hedge-fund-that-will-not-be-named. It was just a dead-end job. Even after the promotion (to work for a psycho, power-tripping, RACIST, jerk), it just wasn't worth it. I now work in the entertainment industry (for a national television network), and meet more celebrities than when I worked for the national talent agency (my first real job). And, get this, it PAYS MORE! Can you believe an entertainment job that pays what people are worth! I practically had to pay my employer to work at the talent agency. So yes, this is awesome news!

5.) And lastly, I joined Weight Watchers Online. I had hit a plateau with the calorie counting. I guess my body was used to it. Anyway, I'm now down to 160 and losing on WW and feeling great. I think it shows in my pictures. ;) Wish me luck in my continuing weight loss!