Lightning Rod

Sometimes when I perform, it's like I'm being struck by lightning. I used to think it was nerves. And, on some level, it was. I was nervous about what was about to leave my body. Certain that it couldn't be contained and that it could only be expressed by my melodic voice, rather than any feeble words I could conjure. I feel this most in church.

As is often the case, I was called up in one of my churches to sing the selection following the offering. I'd assumed this would happen, since too many members of the choir were missing, and I'd missed the last few weeks, so probably would be put on the spot. Since I was expecting it, I'd already decided I would sing "Total Praise".

Sometimes I think "Total Praise" is overdone. It's the go-to song for choirs in a pinch, and I'd definitely performed it recently at a Brooklyn street festival. BUT, I'd never performed it as a solo piece, and hearing it as a solo piece is more rare, considering the Amen fugue at the end.

Anyway, I decided on "Total Praise" and I immediately got nervous. I don't know why. I've sung in church a million times. I'd performed in public three other times in the last week alone. But my hands were shaking. My stomach felt a bit queasy, and my knees felt a bit weak.

And then I was called up. I got up and I sang as if my life depended on it. I know musical performance is highly subjective, but I was not just good, I was GREAT. I even teared up a bit, something that rarely happens. It was as if I was having an out of body experience. Like I was possessed by the song.

Walking back to my seat, my hands were shaking. The pastor said she'd recently had dinner with Richard Smallwood himself and heard that song, so God must be telling her something.

But God was also telling ME something. All those times I felt nervous were not nerves. I'm Mrs. Prepared. I'm Mrs. Organized. I'm Mrs. Rehearsed. So that's not what it's been. It's been God speaking through me. I've often felt that my singing was a calling, and that, for many years, I was repressing it. Well now, it's coming out in full force, leaving my body from my mouth and leaving me zapped and shaking.

It's a powerful feeling, and I'm so happy that I can share it with those around. That's what it's for. It's for sharing.