A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place. Part of me wants to be in a relationship. That part that likes to be held and cuddle. That part that hates that when I was sick this month, I had to go to the store myself to get medicine and soup, almost passing out on the street. That part of me that's an excellent cook and loves cooking for SOMEONE. That part that cooked her own Thanksgiving dinner this year (and the TURKEY!), because someday, I supposedly will be carrying on the traditions I had growing up with future family.

Another big part of me looks at the horrible wreckage of my relationship history and is incredibly SCARED. How many times have I chosen incorrectly? Not just a small misstep but a WHOPPER of a mistake in my choice of men. One was an alcoholic. Another was a con man. Still another put his hands on me. Several definitely had other women. Most common are the ones that aren't looking for anything serious and can't wait to cast me aside, no matter how much I pour into the situation with my hope. What if that happens again? What if it's worse? Maybe all this wreckage is a caution sign from God that I'm not heeding. It's saying, "STOP! You're not supposed to be with someone. Look what keeps happening!"

And still another part of me is ANGRY. SO SO SO SO ANGRY! Like, how dare any of you trifling fools reject ME? ME!!! I'm so awesome. I could list all the amazing attributes that would make me an ideal wife, lover, friend, etc., but there's no reason I should even have to go into that. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, MEN SHOULD WANT ME! How dare you cheat on me? How dare you use me for physical pleasure and then cast me aside when you're "ready" for something "REAL"? Maybe YOU don't deserve ME! And what about God? WTF is God thinking? Is he torturing me? Did I stab several men on the altar in a past life to deserve this type of unceasing emotional carnage? Will my penance continue into my next life too? How much longer am I supposed to keep giving people a try who hurt me? Who tell me I'm not good enough the way I am, even though I most certainly am?

I feel all of those emotions EQUALLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY. They are pushing each other, shoving each other around, vying for the top spot in my mindset. I don't know whether to be bitter, upset, or hopeful from one moment to the next and I've frustrated friends and family over it. I'm the most frustrated of them all.

So what now? I'm in the most difficult media res of my life professionally, and now personally too. Something's Gotta Give! (one of my favorite movies)