A Strange Place

I'm in a strange place. Part of me wants to be in a relationship. That part that likes to be held and cuddle. That part that hates that when I was sick this month, I had to go to the store myself to get medicine and soup, almost passing out on the street. That part of me that's an excellent cook and loves cooking for SOMEONE. That part that cooked her own Thanksgiving dinner this year (and the TURKEY!), because someday, I supposedly will be carrying on the traditions I had growing up with future family.

Another big part of me looks at the horrible wreckage of my relationship history and is incredibly SCARED. How many times have I chosen incorrectly? Not just a small misstep but a WHOPPER of a mistake in my choice of men. One was an alcoholic. Another was a con man. Still another put his hands on me. Several definitely had other women. Most common are the ones that aren't looking for anything serious and can't wait to cast me aside, no matter how much I pour into the situation with my hope. What if that happens again? What if it's worse? Maybe all this wreckage is a caution sign from God that I'm not heeding. It's saying, "STOP! You're not supposed to be with someone. Look what keeps happening!"

And still another part of me is ANGRY. SO SO SO SO ANGRY! Like, how dare any of you trifling fools reject ME? ME!!! I'm so awesome. I could list all the amazing attributes that would make me an ideal wife, lover, friend, etc., but there's no reason I should even have to go into that. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, MEN SHOULD WANT ME! How dare you cheat on me? How dare you use me for physical pleasure and then cast me aside when you're "ready" for something "REAL"? Maybe YOU don't deserve ME! And what about God? WTF is God thinking? Is he torturing me? Did I stab several men on the altar in a past life to deserve this type of unceasing emotional carnage? Will my penance continue into my next life too? How much longer am I supposed to keep giving people a try who hurt me? Who tell me I'm not good enough the way I am, even though I most certainly am?

I feel all of those emotions EQUALLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY. They are pushing each other, shoving each other around, vying for the top spot in my mindset. I don't know whether to be bitter, upset, or hopeful from one moment to the next and I've frustrated friends and family over it. I'm the most frustrated of them all.

So what now? I'm in the most difficult media res of my life professionally, and now personally too. Something's Gotta Give! (one of my favorite movies)

30 Days of Bobby McFerrin

So, despite my successes, I have trouble maintaining a positive attitude. Sure, some things don't go my way, but so many amazing things DO come my way, I feel I should be better at staying on an even keel.

I do feel blessed, I do appreciate all that God as done for me, I do recognize all the elite opportunities I've been given and I value them incredibly...but it doesn't seem like it. Because I get so caught up worrying, kvetching, obsessing, whatever you want to call it! It's making me tired and it's to the point where I'm upset with MYSELF for not being able to turn off the Nagging Ninnie and Debbie Downer in my head amidst everything wonderful that I have. I know part of it is this stressful time of year, a few personal setbacks I've gone through, and my mild Seasonal Affective Disorder when the sun stays gone for MONTHS at a time, but still, this is my LIFE. I need to figure out a more long-term way to cope or else I'll feel 60 by the time I'm 30.

The solution? Bobby McFerrin. So long ago, he came up with a song "Don't Worry, Be Happy". I know, I know. It's definitely corny. But I have LONG since believed in the power of music to alter our states of minds. It's time for me to do a drastic overhaul, especially with everything I have coming up in 2012 (more on that later). In light of my birthday, which is tomorrow (and which I've been seriously looking forward to), I'm going to start every morning for 30 DAYS off with this inspirational, upbeat song that, in the past, always put a smile on my face.

The hardest thing to change is a way of thinking, in my opinion, so this is my version of immersion therapy. It doesn't LITERALLY have to be Bobby McFerrin, either. Just a positive song that cheers you up every time you hear it for 30 DAYS, to start your day. Feel free to let me know if it improves your mood in the long term. I'll keep you posted! Every day is another chance to get it right, and I'm taking mine SERIOUSLY. :)

Don't worry, be happy!

On the Horizon!

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted and my apologies about that. So much is going on!

First off, I have a birthday giveaway going on, if you weren't aware. December 15th, 2011 will be my 27TH BIRTHDAY, and to celebrate, I'll be giving FIVE LUCKY FANS presents for answering trivia about me that can be found in Facebook fanpage, blogs, twitter, official website, and tumblr. Three prizes have already been won, and the deadline is my birthday, so hurry for your chance to win. The prizes all come from Taste Budd's Cafe, the wonderful venue in Red Hook, NY in which I had the honor of performing last month. The food was so good I had to share, and to say THANK YOU for being such amazing fans. Here's the link!

https://www.facebook.com/KatWebb1984?sk=app_192229990808929

Second, I'm doing my first ONLINE concert. Months ago, I posted a poll of whether my fans would prefer merchandise, cooking shorts featuring yours truly, or an online concert so ANYONE, ANYWHERE could attend. Well, the online concert won and as my first try, I'll be throwing an ONLINE CHRISTMAS CONCERT of holiday favorites. It will be an intimate acoustic show of myself and a pianist, singing some of your/my holiday favorites. It's pay-what-you-can, and it's online, so anyone can attend. My birthday giveaway is my chance to give something back to the fans, but this Christmas concert, "Have a Merry Kat Webb Christmas", would make a great birthday present to ME from YOU, my lovely fans! I know, I know. You were stressing about what to get me. ;) Now you know! :) Here's the link!

http://www.stageit.com/kat_webb/have_a_merry_kat_webb_christmas/5430

That will bring 2012 to a close for my fans, but not for ME, because I'm currently hard at work selecting songs and writing for my upcoming SOPHOMORE ALBUM! It will be released late Spring 2012, and I'll be filling you in on your chance to be involved soon enough! Just know that amazing producers Christian Ver Halen and Jesse Fischer are signed on, and this will be ORIGINAL MUSIC! Some of it will even be by yours truly! I know, scary, but exciting too! I hope you like it. Stay tuned for more on that.

That's not all folks! I ALREADY have two big shows lined up! One will be at Brooklyn's newest, funkiest venue, Goodbye, Blue Monday. That's on Thursday, April 5th, 2011 and will be a release party for one of the singles from my sophomore album. The bill for the night is still TBD, but so far, emerging electro-soul artist, Domunique (http://domunique.bandcamp.com/) will be joining me. I know it's a ways out, so that's just an FYI, but it's still exciting.

The other big show I have lined up is with hip-hop veteran Chen Lo and The Lo Frequency! OMG, I'm so excited about this one! It will be Friday, February 17th at 9:30pm and TLF and I will have a rockin' show for you of originals and fan favorites to make it a night to remember. Seriously, you don't want to miss that. Here's the link!

https://www.facebook.com/events/256940491025651/

Well, I think that about covers it! Stay tuned for more updates on these great events, especially the BIRTHDAY GIVEAWAY and ONLINE CONCERT: "Have a Merry Kat Webb Christmas", which are right around the corner. Thank you so much for being a fan, and joining me on my musical journey. I promise to give you something interesting to listen to and think about! :)

Kat.

P.S. Meow.

Lessons Learned

I'm amazed at what a difference a year makes. A year ago today, I was still grappling with the idea that my little "demo" was going to be a full-fledged album. I was deciding which songs to record in my next big weekend session. I was seeing free shows at The Blue Note with amazing musicians. I was thinking about what my image might be, what my message should be, what my success could be.

In some ways, I was thinking too small. I thought, "I know all these musicians, I have access to this amazing studio, I have experience singing background. It's time to make a demo so venues can book me." It wasn't until Chris Rob ("An Old Soul"'s producer) and all the other musicians told me that what I was doing felt bigger, felt more important than a demo, that I even considered it. "An Old Soul" wasn't planned. It wasn't even something I thought I wanted yet. I wanted to perform first, cultivate a following, hone my style, get comfortable.

But no, there was NO TIME TO GET COMFORTABLE. After TWO YEARS of not singing at all (even background singing, because my ex-boyfriend discouraged it), I came back and was immediately recording an ALBUM. It felt like a runaway train. It felt like I'd lost control. Slowly, I began to think of singing not so much as me UNLEASHING something from within me, and more as me RELEASING the constant control I had over myself to let the music come out as it should.

Before I knew it, I was recording, I was mixing, I was working with graphic designers, I was getting mechanical licenses, I was pressing CDs, I was seeking publicists, and I was booking gigs. Myself a year ago would NEVER have believed I would take a last minute gig performing at the Fourth Arts Block Festival, OUTDOORS, for anyone to see, with nothing behind me but instrumentals. She would never have believed I'd be able to handle going from thinking I was doing a 15min set, to doing a 30min set on the fly. Kat last year would be SO intimidated by Kat THIS year, and I'm so amazed by that.

In other ways, I was thinking too big. My producer encouraged me to come up with attainable goals of where my music might take me. I THOUGHT I was thinking small in thinking that, by a year later, I'd be living solely off my music, I'd have a serious following, and I'd be thinking of touring, even overseas.

Unfortunately, I am NOT able to live off my music yet. At the moment, I have to think of my music as any other small business owner thinks of their new startup, and understand this a time for spending money, and not yet making money. I even keep in-depth records so I can take my proper tax deductions for my new endeavor. It is, unfortunately, still very expensive for me to perform. Thankfully, because of my day job, I can still do it. Also, because of my day job, I can make another album. Of course, I'll also need support from friends, family and fans via my upcoming Kickstarter campaign.

I also was thinking this cover album would get me more notoriety than it has. Don't get me wrong, it blows my mind to be doing phone interviews with Houston-based radio stations, and being put into soul mixes by UK DJs. Even my recent gig at Church in Boston was inspiring to me, that my reach was expanding. But I thought I'd be travelling to Philly and LA, home to TX and even abroad--all these lovely places where jazz and soul are sought after. But it is just a debut album. Just an introduction. Just a "look what I can do!" event. I still haven't paid the dues necessary to be selling out venues in Paris or even here in NYC. Hence the upcoming sophomore album, with original music.

And after the year I had, I'm both nervous and excited about the year ahead. It is NOTHING but uncertainty. Will I be living off my music alone after NEXT year? Will I be selling out venues then? Will my shows become profitable? Will strangers come up to me and thank me for the difference my music has made to them? With the changes in the music industry, can a person in my position still rise up?

These are the things I think about. And perhaps the biggest change is that, despite the uncertainty, I'm not scared. I'm EAGER.