Strange Days...

Yeah, I'm here again. This blog is proving to be cathartic for me, but hopefully it's entertaining to some and perhaps even enlightening to a few.

So, I had a great session last night! My producer/keys player came and we worked for 5.5 hours making my album that much closer to being radio-friendly, marketable, grown-and-sexy (although I hate such a snobby term), and, ultimately, profitable. It was really impressive to watch each song transform before my ears.

After the session, we had planned to go over my press/album pictures, but keyboard, synthesizer, portable pedal AND notebook computer might've been a bit much, so we opted to do it another day. There's no rush anyway, as my pictures wouldn't've been ready by the new year regardless, and two days won't hurt it. I'm trying to be a lot more zen about this project then I was previously, trying not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the process, even when it moves more slowly than I would hope. Honestly, yes, if it were just me, I would've been done months ago. But it isn't just me, and every additional person has done nothing but enrich and enhance the project. Basically, they're more than worth the delays and the cost (which spread over months, isn't TOO bad). Anyway, my producer also had a bunch of parties to hit up (after all, he is very chic and it was THURSDAY, LOL).

So afterwards, I got home, but I wasn't really ready to be home, you know? I was keyed up from the session going so well and, even though I had to wake up early for work the next day, I was in the mood to stay up and out all night.

BUT, it was RIDICULOUSLY frigid outside. Once I got home, I lost my buzz to go out. I was all set to give up and change into my pajamas when I got the urge to call a friend of mine, who's becoming a real facet in my life and a fairly dependable shoulder in time of need. I called, we talked, and he too was feeling a bit "haunted". So, rather than stay home and sulk over having no plans, or freeze our butts off trying to get to some party some place that would probably be finishing up as soon as we got there, we opted to be haunted together. I brought my work clothes, picked up some munchies, hopped in a cab, and before you know it, I was on his doorstep.

And then the weirdest thing happened...We hooked up.

I say it was weird because, well, it was. I don't know what other way to describe it. I showed up to watch premium cable, laugh, eat and talk, but slowly it transformed into something else. First, we were watching tv in the living room, drinking wine, and then we were watching a DVD in his room. Then, the lights were on and we were laughing, and next the lights were off and he was asking for a massage. Finally, he turned from the DVD to some sensual music, and ultimately the massage turned to something more.

Honestly, I hadn't expected it at all. Sure, I was crushing on this person, but I figured if we ever ended up in that situation, it would be because he'd approached me, clearly stating he wanted to turn our platonic relationship to a more intimate one, and then things would grow from there. It would NOT have been a matter of "one thing leading to another" at 2:30am. Who really believes that "one thing leads to another" bit anyway? It implies you were helpless to stop a set of events that, by most definitely required your participate. If "one thing led to another", it's always because you led it there.

Afterwards, the emotions were just as weird as the situation. To be cautious, I had asked before anything went down what exactly was happening. Was this just a "casual" thing, or was this the culmination of mutual attraction (I hope? Please? Pretty please?)? Welp, it was just a hookup. And part of me almost backed out right then. I don't want to DO casual. He KNEW that! What was I DOING there?

He didn't know. He didn't have any answers. As he said fairly frequently throughout the encounter, he hadn't expected this to happen. He hadn't known he wanted to do this. He hadn't invited me over with these intentions. Blah blah blah. Based on where his head is at lately, I'm inclined to believe him, but it certainly isn't very flattering. You don't want to finally be invited over to your crush's place to get physical, only to find out they just did it on a spur-of-the-moment level, a "casual" level. And even worse, you don't want to hear them repeat, INCESSANTLY: "Wow....wow...um....WOW....I just....Hmmm....I had no idea that would happen. I can't believe that just happened...Wow...wow...I'm shocked. I'm just...wow. I wasn't expecting this, etc." Seriously, he said almost exactly that for about twenty minutes after our rendezvous and it's definitely a blow to a woman's pride.

I mean, hey, you caught me off guard! I didn't want to do casual, but I had a crush on you (which you knew), so I tried to adapt to the situation. I tried to keep it light. Not do what I would really have done. No kissing. No cuddling. No laughing. No CONNECTION. And it was then I realized that, worse than a hookup, I was just some kinda of coping mechanism for the aforementioned troubled time he's going through. I was a band-aid, or a teddy bear, or a hit of heroin.

And that just solidified everything for me. Casual is out, no exceptions, no fine print, no hidden clauses. It was then that I called the musician and told him that, although he had been looking forward to "hanging" with me upon his return to America, that I just couldn't do it anymore. And I literally JUST texted my main "arrangement" that I couldn't continue as well. Neither has responded. And I suppose it's just as well. Because if it was never real, is there a point to a goodbye?