"If it was easy, everyone would do it."

While searching for the above picture, I found that even pets get the "winter blues": those emotional doldrums that sap the joy out of the holiday season should you not be lucky enough to be coupled up in a fairy tale relationship, or home with your family when all the relationship BS doesn't matter. Luckily for me, I ALWAYS see my family on Christmas. Rarely do I get to visit them on Thanksgiving as well, since it's so close time-wise and the flight to Austin is RIDICULOUS ($900, at the cheapest). This time of year is still hard for me, however, for several reasons.

First, I grew up in the sun belt. Austin, TX. Temperatures range from 30 to 115, and when it's 30, there may be ice, but there's not snow and there's hardly any wind. I've had New Years' celebrations driving around in pickup trucks with the windows down, in a t-shirt, and I was SWEATING. So yeah, you don't have to go abroad to go somewhere warm for the holidays. That being said, I currently live in the dark, depressing, sun-deprived world that is New York City. Comic book fans like to brag about knowing "Gotham" in the "Batman" enterprise is NYC, but it's obvious, as there's never any light in either. With my background, therefore, being in NYC when it's at it's darkest, coldest, wettest and most depressing brings on a rough case of S.A.D.

Second, I didn't get to go home for Thanksgiving. Even though I know it's not practical to go in late November and again in mid December to the same place for the amount of money it costs and the effort it takes, I still am incredibly homesick by the time Thanksgiving comes around. Almost a year's worth of crap has built up and I need to get it off my chest to the people who care for me, to recharge. And all the people up here get to go home and see their families while I'm stuck trying to convince friends/boyfriends/acquaintances to let me cook Thanksgiving for them, or to let me tag along to THEIR Thanksgiving tradition. It's rough.

And third and most-importantly, every time I see my family, I'm breaking up with someone. I noticed this trend in college, when I broke up with my first love. It was right after Thanksgiving and I was so relieved that I had home to look forward to in a few weeks. I see my parents twice a year--once in the Spring-Summer months (at a location outside of Texas), and once at home in Texas, at Christmas. And right before I'm meeting them either time, I'm always cutting either a bunch of people or one very important person out of my life.

This year, right before I saw them in July, I ended a horribly abusive relationship of 18 months shortly before. Now, a little over a week before I get to see them, I've cut out all the casual partners in my life (one of which I grew to deeply care for), and decided to forgo any partners that aren't interested in all of me; the real me. And even the casual partners I didn't particularly care for take a toll when they're gone, as they were at least someone THERE. Sure, for the wrong reasons, but they were there. They wanted you, if only for your body or your money. And now you're alone, in the most depressing months of the year, all by yourself in your apartment.

Add to that the stress from working on my album (both good and bad), and I'm in desperate need of a recharge.

But I asked my family about this peculiar trend. Why did I always break up with someone right before seeing them? Their answer was simple and groundbreaking:

"K, you know we can see through the BS. You know you don't want to be coming home to us in a BS situation, trying to convince us it's real when we know it's not."

And it's true. I get rid of ANYTHING that won't stand up to a rigorous family discussion (and we talk rigorously often) before seeing them, because I hate lying. I hate BS-ing. Last Christmas I was BS-ing them about the abusive relationship, and it killed me to be able to recharge and heal in every way but one, because I was keeping the truth from them. I can lie to myself, to my coworkers, to my friends, to strangers, but I can't lie to my family, at least not for long.

So yes, I'm quite lonely, and I'm full of inner emotional turmoil. More than ever, I need their calming presence. I need to be somewhere where people will listen to what I have to say and I won't have to blog to let it out. I need to be somewhere with friends that say come as you are, be it in Converses or cowboy boots, and I don't have to put on panty hose or stilettos. It's my center; my sanctuary.

Happy Holidays!