Binge & Purge

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was playing the "wait & see" game with a few dudes in whom I was interested. But after incessantly checking for messages and IMs and pokes and winks and texts and missed calls and what not, I realized that game wasn't very fun.

I also realized I wasn't still playing it with my current guys. I'd deleted a whole bunch of spam in my facebook inbox, but left a few things, as well. What I left were any emails from men in whom I'd been interested. Some of them were "Dear Jane" letters, some were cryptic notes clearly meant to do nothing but confuse, but most were apologies from the men with whom I'd been involved for acting unkind to me. For some reason, I felt the need to hold onto these, even if the men had long ago left my life.

And I woke up this morning and wondered why. Why was I keeping these tokens of their feelings for me? Why should I care how ANY guy feels about me, past or present. I'm single, no one is courting me, no one is actively pursuing me, no one is even overtly conveying interest in me. So why not let these things go?

And so I did. I deleted not only everything from these men in my life (some my skeletons in the closet, some my white whales), but everything I'd sent to them. It was a clean slate. And although I've lost thirty-something pounds, I already feel so much lighter after having hoarded all that negative energy for so long. It's gone. I'm not waiting for anything or anyone to happen to me. I'm making things happen myself (and with the divine's help).

And in that same vein, I experimented with simply smiling at attractive men I passed on the street on my way to the gym and I was pleasantly surprised by the many responses. I think I'll do this all the time. :)