Reckless

I just read a quote that really stuck with me, and with which I struggle:

 "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with those who are reckless with yours."

I'm the epitome of a cheerleader for others, encouraging them, supporting them through the rough times, overlooking their faults and believing in them when no one else would. I guess I have this fantasy that after doing all that (especially when it comes to a guy), the favor will be returned, the person will forever be indebted to me, and their loyalty to me (like mine to them), will be immeasurable.

But, as it turns out, when you stick by people, hoping they'll be there for you, overlooking their faults and not noticing that they don't display any of the characteristics of a person who would even be CAPABLE of being grateful, you sometimes get burned and end up being threatened with court proceedings over a car which is in your name and for which you've been paying (true story). Sometimes, unfortunately, you find out that no one else believed in them because they didn't deserve that kind of support, of energy, of emotional and fiscal investment.

But what do you do when this happens? When you end up with a fractured spine and two broken legs after going out on a limb for a dirtbag, what do you do afterwards?

Do you close off your heart and never let anyone in again, regardless of whether they have all the same red flags as the person who hurt you? Maybe they're just the same sex and that's enough reason to write them off. I've read enough books, watched enough stories and seen enough "empty shell people" (phrase courtesy of "Under the Tuscan Sun") to know that imposing your own version of "locked-in syndrome" for your heart is probably not the best or healthiest way to live your life.

Do you brush it off, say "c'est la vie" and go dashing into the fray once more, figuring that that person was a fluke but the next will be better? That doesn't seem quite right either, as that implies that you haven't learned anything from that little mishap, that maybe love and men and unscrupulous people will ALWAYS turn you into their sucker. If you want to keep your money, dignity and sanity, I wouldn't suggest that route either.

Obviously then, the best solution is something in between. Some way of cutting off SOME people from getting close enough to hurt you, but not the GOOD people. Well, how do you know?

First off, after a train wreck situation like mine, I needed to revamp my allowances from the other person. I was DEFINITELY letting several of the men be "reckless" with my heart, all for the sake of getting to say I rooted for the underdog. But the underdog is a long shot and in the movies, they don't show the other 95% when the underdog finished dead last and bankrupts the team who backed him. And I should have cut them off then instead of hoping their story would turn around. But I didn't, and that's something I need to learn to do.

Secondly, I need to lengthen the screening process for the men I deal with. Maybe 1-3 dates ISN'T enough time to decide I want to pursue a serious relationship with them? Maybe that's not even enough time to decide whether I want to be PHYSICAL with them! Because, as much as people like to pretend, sex is just physical intimacy, and, if you're not ready to get intimate emotionally, you certainly shouldn't be willing to get intimate with your body. Luckily for me, I found that out without needing to test-drive half the men in NYC (although, the way my mother chastises my choices in men, you'd think I did), but the few experiences I've where physical intimacy occurred too soon were painful nonetheless.

Thirdly, I need to take a moment to learn from my mistakes. Following my last relationship, which bordered on apocalyptic for my heart, mind, body and soul (and I get angrier and angrier the more time I spend thinking about it), I tried a fling. Now, the reason I hadn't had a fling before that time was because I'm not a fling type of girl. I get emotionally attached. And that's what happened for me, but luckily the relationship wasn't long enough for the attachment to be too deep to get over, leaving clinging for dear life rather than ending it like I should have. For the first time, I could just walk away. And I also realized, for sure, what I already knew, which is that flings aren't for me. But if I get attached so quickly after physical intimacy, then shouldn't I be being careful about who I go down that road with? The answer is yes. And although it's hard to do, I plan on enjoying the company of several men, but getting physical with NONE of them. They need to know me, they need to LIKE me, they need to CHASE me, and I only need to declare a winner for the most worthy candidate, not the one with the most POTENTIAL, flowery words and attraction.

So, don't give your heart to just anyone, don't stay with someone who's reckless with your heart after you give it to them, and don't assume history will only repeat itself, but also don't assume it can't.