This is what the African (from a country I've never heard of and which I'll be Google-ing immediately) chef I met on the subway last night said to me even AFTER I told him about my boyfriend (completely imaginary) and my reluctance to get involved with any more men at the moment (completely true). He was so persistent and aggressive that he got off about like three stops early at about 4 o'clock in the morning to walk me home (don't worry, I didn't let him walk me ALL the way home) and even kissed me (on the cheek). In our almost ninety-minute train ride from Delancey street, he even whispered in my ear "I like you", at one point, to which I responded, "Yes, I can tell." And I could.
My point in mentioning this story is that I DO enjoy aggressive men. I have been known to go out to a club looking especially sexy (as I did last night), just to get a little male attention and then go home, ALONE, to continue my life following my little self-esteem boost. But sometimes, and I'm sure this happens to MANY women, I get a little too excited about the male attention I'm receiving. There was a time when perhaps I would've taken the African's advances more seriously and perhaps even given him my number because at least SOMEONE noticed me. But one of my many transitions is from shy to self-confidence, especially as it pertains to men. You've heard it before, you've attempted to internalize it before and you know it's true. But learning that you can't rely on the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your persuasion) define your happiness and self-worth is a lesson everyone needs to learn, sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, it's also one that simply won't be internalized unless you come to that conclusion yourself after crashing and burning a few times (for me, more than a few, as I'm an incredibly naive and optimistic romantic who's always trying to see the best in everyone).
My African chef wasn't the only attention I got last night. Last night's occasion was a work friend's 28th birthday, and therefore, another work friend who I've been crushing on for a while was there. First, it was just a rumor that he was there. I went a whole HOUR at the event after being told he was there before I saw him. This irritated me slightly, but as I had no plans that night but to dance and enjoy strutting my new body in what even I have to admit was a super hot dress (that's another one of my transitions--from overweight to fit. I've lost thirty-five pounds since December and it's transformed me from shy to self-confident about my body.), I just enjoyed acting a little bit like a go-go dancer on the club's elevated catwalk.
But then he arrived, and to my satisfaction, he came right over to me and we started talking and dancing. Not WITH each other right away. More like NEXT TO each other. We talked and "next to" finally became "with" and I thought the evening was turning out to be a success. After all, as I mentioned, I've had a significant crush on him since the first few months of working together but the timing always seemed off. First we worked too closely. Then he made a move after transferring but I was taken. Timing is everything and we didn't have it. I thought last night we'd finally achieved our perfect storm but two things alerted me to the fact that we hadn't.
First, at one point in the evening, he spent about twenty minutes texting someone who was clearly NOT AT the club. And who could you be texting at the time of night? Only a chick. And why would you be texting a chick who's not there when you're supposedly having a good time with a chick who IS there? Because something's going down. It could be drama, it could be your actual relationship that I never asked about, it could be anything. But it's never a good sign that something's about to develop, lol.
Second, he never asked for the digits. And I REALLY tried to set him up to ask. I mean, he asked me what I liked to do for fun, whether I was a big clubber--all the usual questions. And I responded with the most flirtatious answers possible. But not only did he NEVER ask for the digits (in the over-an-hour period of time we danced/talked), but he started to act distracted while I was talking to him. I'm generally pretty used to this as I can talk non-stop and not all guys can hang, but it's yet another strike AGAINST something developing between us, lol.
So, once that was starting to fizzle, a tourist visiting from Detroit took the aggressive approach and began grinding on me hardcore. As I mentioned, I enjoy aggressive men. And normally I would've been totally down with the grinding. But the first problem with that scenario was that, in an effort to show off my new, leaner body, I was wearing a dress too short to really grind in (at least in my opinion, because I'm not a "club hoochie") that rode up even further any time I tried to "get low" even a little. The second problem was that it was right in front of my work crush and I felt bad. He'd already seen me get stolen away from him by a dude at the last party we both attended, and I felt kinda bad letting it go down a second time, just because he wasn't as aggressive. I mean, he was a nice guy and one in which I might genuinely be interested, as opposed to these alpha-male-types that attack the nearest booty clad in tight polyester-spandex blends. Those alpha-males are fun for the evening, but they've got no long-term potential.
But my work crush didn't seem to mind one bit that I'd been stolen. And the tourist visiting from Detroit was PERSISTENT. Even after I thanked him for the dance and went back to talk to my work crush to show the interest was still there, he came back again several more times. I guess I can't blame him; it was his last night in the city and he was trying to make something happen.
So the vibe is gone with my work crush and I'm not trying to be the Detroit tourist's "Gal Saturday", so it's back to dancing with myself and enjoying the music. But who walks up but my work crush's friend. His friend was cute, I'm not gonna lie. And as we talked and danced, I really, REALLY enjoyed our vibe. But the big elephant in the room was that he wasn't available and I knew that about ten minutes after I first met him, when my work crush told me. Well, if his friend was supposed to be playing wing man, then he crashed and burned because he was coming on so strong I had to double-check he was definitely not available. Nope, he wasn't available. And it was really a shame too (at least for me, lol).
And it reminded of the last time someone stole me from my work crush. That guy was MARRIED...but separated. And because I'd just gotten out of something serious (and TERRIBLE) but the vibe between us was good, we decided to embark on a little casual thing. But you know what I realized? Just because everyone's casual, and everyone is hyping it up, doesn't mean I am. And I'm REALLY not. I acted like the chick I really am and developed feelings for the guy, which weren't returned, and then he left the country. Sure, we could probably pick things up when he returned if I pretended my feelings weren't there and maybe had a few flirtatious dialogues while he was away but what would be the point? I'm not that kind of girl. I'm a relationship type of girl. I don't want to share my guy, I don't want to be anything but his top romantic priority, and I don't want to have no one to call when something goes wrong in my life, even though there's a man there that's supposed to be available for those situations.
No, there's no upside to the casual for me and I realized that if I pretended my feelings weren't there just to continue the casual thing, I'd be denying who I was and what I wanted and, maybe for the first time, I realized I was no longer willing to do that for a guy. It was a superb epiphany. With it came the realization that I am willing to stay alone and have fun doing my own thing, despite the pressure to be in a relationship and on your way to settling down, if the only scenarios for being with a man are unappealing and require great compromise and denial on my part. No one is going to treat me how I want to be treated unless I demand it and stay away from situations (i.e. relationships/men) that don't provide what I want.
So, it would seem, that despite the great amount of male attention that I received last night, that I'm further along in my transition to independence and self-confidence than I realized when I left for the evening. I'm actually proud of myself. And in the meantime, while I wait for Mr. Right (rather than settling and getting caught up with Mr. Right Now), I'm learning Spanish and recording an album. Stay tuned...my life's just getting interesting!
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