Anyway, I mentioned in my other post for today that my most recent hookup gave me advice. Well, my TWO most recent hookups did, but I'm only speaking of one. The one who told me not to rush with this new man.
Last night, he is responsible for a major life moment to me. We'd recently decided that we shouldn't continue hooking up, because although he said he felt more when we were intimate, he really only meant a strong PHYSICAL connection and wasn't even CLOSE (I asked, believe me) to being ready to settle down. He'd said he wasn't being fair to me and I was an amazing woman ("wifey material"), that should find a man who really wanted me fully, who could be there for me fully. And as much as he liked our sexual connection (and I did too), the fact that he inadvertently sent me mixed messages that led to me beginning to develop feelings meant things might get crazy later on (like they did with "Trini"), and he didn't want that to happen, so we should just be friends.
I begrudgingly agreed. I'd wanted to see him when I returned from the holidays and he'd wanted to see me, partly because I missed him, partly to make up from a small disagreement, and partly because we missed each other PHYSICALLY, but his grandmother had died that night and various other things had prevented us from linking up.
Call it fate.
Anyway, despite us deciding we should continue as friends, he needed to talk last night. I thought it was a ruse and that he was just trying to get one last hoorah before we called it quits physically. He came over and we talked and chilled and it was nice, but it was also sweet and there was an intimacy there and a softness to him that spoke to me. And I thought, "Hey, let me do something nice for him. I'm not going to go crazy RIGHT THIS MINUTE. How about I offer the sex to cheer him up during his time of grief and THEN we call it quits physically."
I offered, and he, a bit grudgingly, agreed. He was definitely still attracted to me, he said, but he didn't come over for that. I said I know. I know he's a sweet guy. I know he's actually awesome. But I just wanted him to let me do that for him.
So we started to fool around and it was nice but when it came down to REALLY getting started (please don't let my mom be reading this), he couldn't go through with it. When he admitted (and apologized to me) that he shouldn't have said he was developing feelings, he really felt bad. Felt I deserved more. Felt he was doing me wrong. REALLY. And although he desperately did want to be physical with me last night (and I did too, and I was OFFERING), he couldn't do that to me. He likened it to a recent conversation with his father, and his last decent conversation with his late grandmother. He said he hadn't felt this way, hadn't felt so convicted since he last was growing in his relationship with God.
It was awe-inspiring. Literally.
We got dressed. Talked some more. And I said we could be friends. REALLY. He had a journey of self-discovery ahead of him (and made me realize I might want to try one too), and I wanted to support him on it as a friend. I also, and this was humbling, want him to come out the other side of his journey and realize he wants to be with me.
REALLY.
No man has ever shown me that level of respect. I've heard men can change but I've never witnessed it and it was powerful and amazing and I really felt like God was present. Like he was present and changing him and also changing me as a witness. I want him to learn and heal and I want to learn and heal too. And then, seriously, I want to see if I'm the woman he chooses. Because that, no bullshit, is the kind of real man I want. That, perhaps, is the first REAL MAN I've seen outside of my father. And that's what I want.
I plan to live my life, and I don't plan on getting too gushy with him over it (although I did tell him what happened affected me), and I DEFINITELY don't plan on forcing myself on him or impeding his journey in any way, but damn, I just saw a man become a new man and that's the kind of man I want. That's real. I know it exists now. So I can relax and stop worrying I'll never find it. Even if we don't end up together, I know it can happen.
It's REAL. God is real. Begin the journey...
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