Down with Love

To be honest, I don't actually feel this way. Love (romantic love, to be precise) is great. My parents have it. Some of my friends have it. It seems pretty awesome. What I mean to say with the title is that I'm DONE with love. At least for now. I only include the "at least for now" caveat because things change and I've always been a mutable person but, at least for the foreseeable future, I am done with romantic/sexual interaction of any sort.

I came to this conclusion logically. After breaking it off with the last of my "Friends With Benefits" in what was, I thought, a very civil and neat manner, I received a nasty, angry voicemail from said FWB saying he wasn't even my man, that he was "trying to be nice", but that I was "acting up" and if I didn't want to see him anymore, "that's cool". Yep. It's cool. It's always cool. No romantic/sexual connection I've ever had has cared when they lost me except my first. I should start referring to him as my only, at this point. My only love. The only guy who ever cared. The only guy who ever fought for us.

I've been thinking of him more and more lately, most likely because I'm taking part in a probably less-than-healthy twitter conversation with him after years of semi-annual emails. I'm CERTAIN I'm romanticizing what was, in fact, a relationship that was doomed from the start. We were going different places. And I can't say that I regret the choice I made to continue my life the way I did, as it's led me to so many amazing things, any more than he would say he regrets his decision, because he's clearly happy with his life.

Which leads me to why I came to my decision. My life is awesome.

• I work at a job I love, that's creative and that pays well with a cool boss that appreciates me and doesn't overwork me. 
• I live in a very nice one-bedroom apartment that I can afford on my own, that has carpeting and that is always full of good meals that I can cook for myself. 
• I have tons of super trendy friends (WAY trendier/cooler than myself) that enjoy my company. 
• I am talented and am pursuing my talent with talented people that are at the top of their fields WORLDWIDE. 
• I've lost 82 pounds since my heaviest weight and am the healthiest I've ever been as a post-pubescent adult.

In short: I'm pretty fucking awesome.

So, where's the snag? What's the ONLY reason I call my friends/family tearful and miserable? What area of my life has caused the most pain and heartache? What area of my life do I seem never to have good news regarding?

It's simple: My love/sex life. My interactions with men (beyond the platonic/professional sense) just NEVER go well. There was a girl from Paraguay on the varsity wrestling team with me in school that said, "Men will be your downfall." I always chuckled inside when I thought about it, because she was a closet lesbian and crushing on me and I thought she was just trying to convince me of men's evil so I'd fall into the comfort of her arms.

But now I think she may have been cursing me. Every time I have to be calmed down from hysterics that my heart was broken again, I think of what she said and wonder.

Another alternative is that God specifically doesn't want me to have love. I mean, I can't get EVERYTHING I want, can I? I can't be Ivy-League educated, smart, successful, from a two-parent home of Ivy-League-educated parents that demonstrate ideal Black love, with all the blessings I listed above and ALSO get love, can I? Maybe that's only for people who are struggling.

Honestly, I wouldn't trade my success in any other area or any of my blessings for love. I will only accept love if it's IN ADDITION to all the other great things I have going for me, and perhaps that's why I don't have it. I can't have EVERYTHING. It's the human condition to struggle and my struggle must be that I cannot find romantic love, no matter how hard I try.

So I'm not trying. I'm also not NOT trying, as people say you should do. They say once you stop looking for it, it'll come. I don't want it even when it does come. All dealing with romance/sex seems to bring is negativity into my life and I'm finally saying "uncle". I'm giving up my masochistic search for love in favor or pursuing what DOES make me happy and what DOES fulfill me and what DOES reward/emphasize all the things that I think are great about me.

I told you I'd report back in two weeks about my romantic situation and there it is: I no longer wish to have one. I don't think that's bad news at all. I just think that's the life I choose to accept. There are other kinds of love that don't allude me and I will enjoy them to the fullest.