Skeletons in the Closet

They always seem to rear their heads in groups. People I've sworn off or forgotten come out of the woodwork in clusters, making me wonder if they're not cosmically linked with each other and me somehow. Otherwise, what could explain why two dudes I ended it with BOTH contacted me yesterday?

The first was the good musician. I thought, despite our little casual physical affair, that we were friends as well, only to find that he stopped speaking to me when I ended it. One friend said that perhaps he felt more than he was letting on for me, but I gave him every opportunity to try to make more with me and he shot down every one. Also, he gave me the same tired-ass speech all the dudes give when they want to "hit it and quit it": "I just got out of something really serious and I like spending time with you, but I'm not looking to get involved again any time soon."

Save it.

I'm not ready to get involved with any more dudes that use that wack-ass speech. Honestly, if ANOTHER person says to me that speech, or says "I've been hurt before, so I'm really careful with my heart", all OBVIOUSLY in an attempt to sleep with me without allowing me to expect anything from them (like COURTESY, RESPECT, or COMMITMENT), then I'm literally going to get up, walk away, delete their contact information and never speak to them again. You have to be ruthless with these guys, because they're under the impression it's acceptable to give these cop-out excuses because so many women accept them.

Anyway, enough of my rant. The musician hit me up. He said he was just checking on me. After weeks of silence he's "CHECKING ON ME". I was polite, cheerful, but I'm not going down that road with him again. And I'll probably always keep him at a distance because I know that I can't rely on this guy in the future if he bails when the sex stops. Sorry, but try again. I haven't valued myself enough in the past, but I'm getting over that problem REAL QUICK!

Second, the personal trainer dude hit me up. I was beginning to feel like a hotel/soup kitchen/bordello/halfway house for all these dudes, the personal trainer included. I felt like I was bringing so much to the table, and they weren't bringing anything back. I thought I enjoyed being generous and helping these dudes but my parents corrected me. "No, K, you don't like being generous. You like reciprocity. You don't want to just give and give and never receive. You want to be treated like you're treating these guys."

It's true. I'm extremely giving and caring, and my problem has always been that I choose the WRONG DUDES to give to and care for. My mom is convinced the right guy is out there--most likely because she wants grandchildren and she doesn't want me to become a bitter hag--but I'm not so sure anymore. It could be that I was given my one great love and my challenge now is to love myself and figure out how to make that enough. I'm working on it...

Anyway, I bluntly asked the guy if he planned on reciprocating all the great treatment I was giving him. True, it's not a "relationship", and we're just "hooking up", but I'm giving my all to this casual thing and I would appreciate the same thing, even if it doesn't include commitment. He blew me off. Said he was sleeping. At 7:30pm. So I let that go, knowing I was EXTREMELY pissed, and, after almost 72 hours had passed without another word from him, I let him know that he'd shown me his true character, that I knew what I needed to know, and that our time together was great but had reached an end.

He responded by leaving me an extremely disrespectful message, to which I also didn't respond. I know I'm not your girl, Mr. P.T. I know you're not committed to me. I know that you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. I know, I know, I know. I was merely asking if, since you're getting more from this casual relationships than just sex, perhaps I could too. But being blown off was a big, resounding, "NO!", and it hurt.

It shouldn't've hurt. I should be happy he let me know before I put any more effort in. But it did. It hurt because it was the last of the dudes I was dealing with that had ALL ended badly and that with ALL of them, despite my care and my awesomeness, NONE of them had developed any feelings for me and were able to summarily dismiss me and move on to some other chick.

Ugh. That hurt. Can't lie.

But then, yesterday, Mr. P.T. calls me. He doesn't text to resume contact, he calls. He says he wasn't blowing me off. That my text hit him at exactly the wrong time. That he really was sleeping (at the gym, between sessions), that things have been hectic, that he forgot his mom's 50th birthday, blah blah blah. He also said he'd call later. I got tired, fell asleep, and woke up to no missed calls. I'm sure I'll hear from him again, but maybe not after he realizes that I'm really not starting up with him again.

Friends is cool. Friends with the musician; friends with Mr. P.T. I could always use more friends. But I need some time alone. And when I'm done with my time alone, I need some quality guys that like me for more than just my physique and what's between my legs. It'll be a long, lonely road, but I'm not giving up my hard-won self-esteem and life lessons of the past year just to settle for dudes that will give me nothing more than an unsatisfying relationship. ANOTHER unsatisfying relationship.

Nope. I've reached my wits end. Good riddance to anyone who's not cool with that.