New Year=New Me?

Resolutions are the big thing on everyone's mind. They vow to lose weight. They vow to quit smoking. They vow to stop drinking or to cut out caffeine. I've personally had more existential resolutions like:

• I vow to stop being so afraid of making mistakes.
• I vow to hone my personal and professional persona.
• I vow to put up with less crap from dudes.
• I vow to take more time for me.
• I vow to continue my healthy lifestyle, and with renewed vigor.
• I vow to travel to one place I've been DYING to go to for years.

All of those are my current resolutions for 2011 (and beyond), although I didn't put much thought in them and have been working on them since before the 2011 changeover.

I just ended a bad streak, personally. No one was more excited for 2010 to end on the personal level than me. The first half of the year was spent in a terrible relationship. The second half of the year was spent in unsatisfying casual "relationships". No love for K in 2010. No love for K since 2006. I'm trying not to harp on it. Trying not to wallow. My mother says I'm a bit whiney and that kind of critique hurts. She also says that I am partially to blame for my relationship situation, because I'm allowing myself to be victimized. Again, that hurt like heck to hear.

The dude that I had a meaningless and disappointing hookup with got back with his girl over the break. The dude that said he was feeling more for me took it back over the break. The friend that I used to be able to talk to got laid off and started talking to another girl romantically over break. I didn't get a call/text from "Trini" over break (and I suppose I didn't want to, but I kinda did want to, just to know I was wanted, even if the wanting wasn't mutual.). My biggest RESOLUTION was the resolution of any flimsy relationships in my life, even though the decision and process was painful to say the least.

A lot of crumby personal things happened right after a fairly awesome recording session last night and it just irritates the crap out of me. I don't want to take my personal issues personally, but I do. I wonder why not me? Why can't I have success in ALL areas of my life? True, it's a rather ungrateful desire, but I didn't get as far as I am by relenting. I am driven, demanding, domineering, impatient, and it gets me what I want in all areas but ONE.

And that IS selfish. Both the meaningless hookup dude and my mom agreed that perhaps I should try meditation to get over all my BS. And my mom pointed something out which is that, perhaps I'm not actually angry and upset and frustrated with my project and dudes. Perhaps I'm just hurting from the string of rejections I've suffered at the hands of said dudes. Perhaps there's all this pain and horrible suffering I've been supressing (not PERHAPS; that's DEFINITELY the case), and I just need to take the time to deal with it...or use the angst on my musical project.

They're right (although the meaningless hookup dude is no longer going to be an advice source as his treatment of me has undermined any credibility he had). They're right, and "Trini" is right, and the trainer is right, and everyone is right. I hate that. I'm a know-it-all. I HATE being schooled. HATE IT! ;)

But in this case, perhaps I should just forego the dinner of white wine gulped too fast and try meditation. Just to see. No, it won't undo the hurt. And no, it won't find Mr. Right. And no, it won't make waiting for him to find me any easier. And no, it won't make those who hurt me pay karmically or apologize or anything like that. It'll just help ME, in a personal, effective way.

And, on a positive note, I am one step closer to finishing my album, so that's quite awesome. Despite my intermittent frustration at the project, I'm happy with how things are going and, although I can't see the finish line yet, my producer assures me it's very close.

And on another positive note, there's a young man who's interested in me. He doesn't seem like a young man. He seems older than me. I stopped dating young men a while ago, and haven't really seen the upside to older men. I'm curious about him. We don't know each other and we don't know what the other person really wants, but the attraction is real and strong and, once my close girlfriend gives her blessing (because he once hit on her back in the day), I'll be free to explore my curiosity with him. Legitimate dating. Maybe not with a legitimate adult (we'll call him "Young'n" for now), but, it's a start. And, as my producer said, I can always work on my harmonies to keep myself busy...